Nip-Picking

, , , , | Right | October 23, 2010

(A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)

Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”

Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”

Me: “Okay, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”

(Customer lifts up the dog to show me the belly.)

Customer: “See! These!”

Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs, they are his nipples.”

Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male, how does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”

Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”

Customer: “Get the vet, you don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”

Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”

Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well s***!” *walks out*

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You’ve Got To Be Kitten

, , , , , | Right | July 21, 2010

(A caller says she’s found a kitten and is getting information on our services.)

Me: “…we also recommend spaying or neutering the kitten. This can be done around four to six months of age.”

Caller: “What would the cost be for that?”

Me: “A spay surgery runs about $100, and a neuter runs a little cheaper, around $70.  The spay is a bit more expensive because it’s more invasive and takes more time to do.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. I would definitely do the neuter since it’s cheaper.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the surgery depends on the kitten’s gender. If it’s a female, it’ll be a spay, and if it’s a male, it’ll be a neuter.”

Caller: “Why the difference?”

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Not All Customers Are Bona-Fido

, , , , , | Right | June 7, 2010

Me: “[Doctor]’s office; how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, there! I was wondering if I could get an appointment for today?”

Me: “Most likely. What type of animal do you have?”

Customer: *noticeable pause* “I have a dog. I just need the shots to go overseas.”

Me: “How exciting! When are you traveling?”

Customer: “Tomorrow. I tried to get an appointment at the other doctor, but he couldn’t fit me in.”

Me: “Well, just for a vaccination, I think we can manage that around four pm today. Do you happen to know what shots your dog needs?”

Customer: “My dog?”

Me: “Yes… to go abroad.”

Customer: “Why would I give shots to my dog? He’s staying here. I need shots for my wife and me.”

Me: “Sir, this is a veterinarian’s office. We treat animals here.”

Customer: “But my flight’s tomorrow! Can’t you make an exception?”

Me: “Sir, that would be highly illegal. And we only carry shots designed for dogs. We don’t have the type you’d need.”

Customer: “Fine! I’m going to report you to the state!” *click*

(The phone rings a moment later.)

Me: “[Doctor]’s office; how can I help you today?”

Same Customer: “Um… my wife wants to know if you have dog boarding.”

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Hang Ups Over Children

, , , | Right | June 2, 2010

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic]. How can I help you today?”

(Note: the caller sounds around four years old. )

Caller #1: “Hello, is Aunt Betty there?”

Me: “I’m sorry, would you mind repeating that?”

Caller #1: “Can I speak to Aunt Betty?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

Caller #1: “Oh. Okay.”

Me: “Bye!”

(I hang up. Ten seconds later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic]. How can I help you today?”

Caller #2: “My niece just called here and must have got the wrong number.”

Me: *chuckling* “Yes, she thought–”

Caller #2: “Well, next time don’t hang up on her!” *hangs up*

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Putting The Spa In Spay

, , , , | Right | April 20, 2010

(A customer brings in his dog for a spay.)

Customer: “While she’s out, can you trim her nails? They’re getting real long.”

Me: “Of course, sir. We give all patients under anesthesia a complimentary nail trim.”

Customer: “Oh, you do? Would you give me a free pedicure, too?”

Me: “Uhm…”

Customer: “How about a massage?”

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