(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”

Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”

Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”

(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)

Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”

Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

(When canine patients need a little more fiber added to their diet, the doctor will often advise the owner to add a spoonful of canned pumpkin to the food. One day we get a phone call from an owner to whom we recommended pumpkin.)

Owner: “I ran out of pumpkin pie. Can I use apple pie, instead?”

(Federal law requires that before administering any vaccine or prescribing any medication, there must be a current DCPR — doctor-client-patient-relationship. Basically, the doctor must have examined the pet within one year of the date. I have been called up front to help a new coworker with a client who doesn’t seem to understand this.)

Client: “I don’t need an exam. He’s healthy. Just give him the shot.”

Me: “But federal law says we have to.”

Client: “But he had an exam in January.”

Me: “Yes, January of last year, so we could have given him the shot this January, but it is now April.”

Client: “Well, what can I do? He needs the shot.”

Me: “We can examine him.”

Client: “But I don’t want to do that. Could my friend Benjamin Franklin convince you?”

Me: “Are you asking me to accept a bribe?”

Client: “Maybe.”

Me: “You realize that the exam is only 50 bucks, right?”

Client: “Yeah, but I don’t want to have him examined.”

Me: “So, you want me to break federal law, make the doctor lose her license, and all my coworkers and me find new jobs in new career fields. Yeah, that’s going to be more than $100.”

Client: “So, how much?”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.”

Client: “What?!”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand to break federal law; I think that’s cheap. Or 50 bucks for an exam.”

Client: “What times do you have on Tuesday?”

(After the client is scheduled and leaves…)

Coworker: “What would you have done if he said yes to the $750,000?”

Me: “Insisted he bring cash, and check all the bills for counterfeiting, then administer the vaccine. Tell the doctor, and split the money evenly among the whole staff.”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Official company policy says that if someone wants to give you 15,000 times more than the price of the service, in cash, you are not to expected to turn them down. But accepting anything less, not getting cash, not checking it for fakes, or not splitting the bribe are all offenses that will get you fired. We’ve had that option for 30 years now; so far, nobody has ever taken us up on it. Can’t imagine why.”

(I come home to find that one of my pet snake’s eyes appears to be injured in some way. Since this is my first pet reptile, and I am not sure if this is something that needs immediate attention, I call the veterinary hospital of a very prestigious vet school nearby. Since it’s relatively late in the day, all the vets have left, but there are receptionists on call 24 hours a day.)

Receptionist: “Hi, you’ve called [Vet Hospital]. How can I help you?”

Me: *explains problem with my snake’s eye*

Receptionist: “I see. Is he blinking normally?”

Me: “Um… It’s a snake. It doesn’t have eyelids.”

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