He’s A Scuffy-Looking Nerf-Herder

| NC, USA | Working | April 20, 2017

(I work as a kennel assistant at an animal hospital. On this particular day, a stray kitten had been brought in for a health assessment. Vet #1 and one of the vet techs are examining the kitten while I stand by in case they need me to fetch anything else, since it’s been a slow day. Vet #2 enters the treatment room.)

Kitten: *squeaks indignantly*

Vet #1: “Oh, you’re just so cute!”

Vet #2: “Did you just call that thing ‘cute’?”

Vet #1: “He’s very cute!”

Vet Tech: “Eh, he’s a little scruffy-looking.”

Me: “He looks like somebody used him to scrub a toilet.”

Vet #2: “Exactly! That’s exactly what he looks like!”

Vet #1: *leans in and stage-whispers to kitten* “Don’t worry, I think you’re cute.”

(We gave the kitten some food, a flea pill, and a clean bill of health; the person who found the kitten came back later that day, having decided to keep him.)

You Did A Great (Dane) Service Today

| Long Island, NY, USA | Right | April 8, 2017

(I am the receptionist at a busy veterinarian’s office. I answer a call from a gentleman who was trying to make an appointment:)

Pet Owner: “I’d like to make an appointment for the vet to see my three dogs.”

Me: “I have an opening two weeks from today.”

Pet Owner: “Gee, I was hoping for something much sooner.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but seeing three dogs takes a longer amount of time, and I don’t see a block of time to accommodate you until then. What seems to be the problem?”

Pet Owner: “My dogs have diarrhea. All three of them.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; that must be difficult for you.”

Pet Owner: “It sure is. My dogs are Great Danes.”

Me: “…bring them in at 6:00 pm today. We’ll stay open.”

(Great Danes are the world’s tallest dogs, with males reaching heights of nearly three feet. (Scooby Doo of the cartoon is a Great Dane.) I knew by giving that poor man an appointment that day I probably saved an entire forest of trees that would have been made into paper towels. The dogs recovered quickly.)

Glad They Nipped That One In The Bud, Part 2

| Portland, OR, USA | Right | March 27, 2017

(A client shows up for an appointment to remove ticks from her dog.)

Coworker: “How many ticks does he have and where are they?

Client: “Six that we’ve counted so far.”

Coworker: “Wow! That’s a lot. Where have you been lately?”

Client: “I know, it’s really weird. They’re on his belly and they’re all symmetrical.”

(The client starts to roll dog over to show us belly. Stunned silence follows.)

Coworker: “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple!”

Client: “But he’s a boy!”

Coworker: “You have nipples, don’t you, sir?”

 

There Is Mushroom For Improvement

| USA | Right | March 21, 2017

(A client left a message on the answering machine that her dog needed his ‘portabello.’ I call her back.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] calling from [Vet]. We got your message about setting an appointment for [Dog].”

Client: “Yes, he needs his portabello for the kennel.”

Me: *trying so hard not to laugh* “Yes, he is due for his bordetella, as well as the rest of his vaccines. When were you looking to make the appointment?”

Client: “No, the kennel said he needed his portabello!”

Me: “The vaccine is actually called bordetella, ma’am. Portabello are a type of mushroom.”

Client: “Well, the kennel said portabello…” *grumbles*

(We set the appointment, and the minute we hung up, I nearly died laughing.)

But What Does The Fox Say?

| UK | Right | February 21, 2017

(A family bring their cat in for a check-up, concerned about a puncture wound through her lip. They say the cat was outdoors for longer than usual and then came home with this wound. I examine the cat:)

Me: “I think she might have been hit by a car.”

Owner: “No, she can’t have been. She’s still alive.”

Me: “Well… see her claws here? They’re all scuffed? That’s very common in cats after a road traffic accident.”

Owner: “She has a hole in her lip; I think she was bitten by a fox.”

Me: “I’m not sure about that; she has a lot of other wounds as well, and they don’t really fit with being attacked by a fox.”

Owner: “She has a bite wound in her lip like a fox got hold of her.”

Me: “Yes, she does have a wound in her lip, but see how some of her teeth are also chipped, particularly her canine teeth? Look, the hole looks like it lines up with this top, broken canine tooth. If she had been hit by a car, it might have caused this damage to her teeth.”

Owner: “She can’t have been hit by a car. Our other cat was hit by a car and we found him dead by the side of the road.”

Me: “Well, if the car was going slower it could have hit her without killing her.”

Owner: “Cars don’t drive slowly down our road. If she had been hit by a car she would be dead. It must have been a fox.”

(The owner wouldn’t let me treat the cat until I said the damage was done by a fox.)

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