You’d Get Either A Cabbit Or A Rat

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Right | May 22, 2017

(My coworker has a woman call in and ask about chinchillas. This is how the conversation goes.)

Coworker: “[Vet Clinic]. [Coworker]. How can I help you?”

Client: Can I get a chinchilla by breeding a cat and a rabbit?

Coworker: “…No.”

Client: “Oh…You sure?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am.”

(Why do I live on this planet?)

Clawing For An “I Told You So”

, | USA | Working | May 22, 2017

(I’ve worked at this vet’s office for over a year. I’ve found myself butting heads with a sort-of new coworker, who worked at a different vet for a few years and will stubbornly try to conform all our documents and protocols to what her old workplace did. She’s started assuming anything I do or say is automatically wrong. On this particular workday, a cat that stays with us regularly has arrived.)

Coworker #1: “I’m bringing back, uh, [Cat] to board.”

Supervisor: “Put him in one of the big cages.”

Me: “I’ll grab the sign.”

(I grab one of our warning signs and go to hang it on the cat’s cage door.)

Coworker #1: “Woah, woah woah, he doesn’t need that! He’s been sweet so far!”

Me: “I’ve met him before, and he’ll rip your face off.”

Coworker #1: “No, he would NOT! You can’t just go saying things like that!”

Coworker #2: *silently dying of laughter behind Coworker #1*

(Fast-forward a couple weeks. I arrive at work and see that the same cat has arrived the day before. Then Coworker #1 arrives, with some recent claw marks on her face and neck. When she’s out of earshot, Coworker #2 comes up to me.)

Coworker #2: “You know, [Cat] tried to rip [Coworker #1]’s face off yesterday.”

Me: “Really? I warned her, didn’t I?”

Coworker #2: *laughs* “Oh, yeah, you did!”

(We had to suffer through even more bossy and angrily manic behavior than usual. Guess we deserved it, for making fun.)

Way To Go

, | USA | Working | May 18, 2017

(The veterinary clinic I work at is next to a popular roast beef sandwich joint. When we have dogs that are terminally ill, neglected, or just refusing to eat and therefore can’t be given their medication, there is nothing that works quite like a hot steamy roast beef sandwich. I’ve been sent to the restaurant for just this reason; I’m wearing scrub pants and a shirt with the clinic logo.)

Cashier: “What can I get you today?”

Me: “I’d like six junior roast beefs, no sauce.”

Cashier: “Anything else?”

Me: “Nope, that’s it.”

(The cashier suddenly looks like she’s trying not to giggle.)

Cashier: “Do you want that… for here… or to go…?”

Me: *catching on to what she’s thinking* “To go, please.”

(While I waited for my order, I almost burst out laughing, imagining myself wolfing down six whole sandwiches in one sitting.)

He’s A Scuffy-Looking Nerf-Herder

| NC, USA | Working | April 20, 2017

(I work as a kennel assistant at an animal hospital. On this particular day, a stray kitten had been brought in for a health assessment. Vet #1 and one of the vet techs are examining the kitten while I stand by in case they need me to fetch anything else, since it’s been a slow day. Vet #2 enters the treatment room.)

Kitten: *squeaks indignantly*

Vet #1: “Oh, you’re just so cute!”

Vet #2: “Did you just call that thing ‘cute’?”

Vet #1: “He’s very cute!”

Vet Tech: “Eh, he’s a little scruffy-looking.”

Me: “He looks like somebody used him to scrub a toilet.”

Vet #2: “Exactly! That’s exactly what he looks like!”

Vet #1: *leans in and stage-whispers to kitten* “Don’t worry, I think you’re cute.”

(We gave the kitten some food, a flea pill, and a clean bill of health; the person who found the kitten came back later that day, having decided to keep him.)

You Did A Great (Dane) Service Today

| Long Island, NY, USA | Right | April 8, 2017

(I am the receptionist at a busy veterinarian’s office. I answer a call from a gentleman who was trying to make an appointment:)

Pet Owner: “I’d like to make an appointment for the vet to see my three dogs.”

Me: “I have an opening two weeks from today.”

Pet Owner: “Gee, I was hoping for something much sooner.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but seeing three dogs takes a longer amount of time, and I don’t see a block of time to accommodate you until then. What seems to be the problem?”

Pet Owner: “My dogs have diarrhea. All three of them.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; that must be difficult for you.”

Pet Owner: “It sure is. My dogs are Great Danes.”

Me: “…bring them in at 6:00 pm today. We’ll stay open.”

(Great Danes are the world’s tallest dogs, with males reaching heights of nearly three feet. (Scooby Doo of the cartoon is a Great Dane.) I knew by giving that poor man an appointment that day I probably saved an entire forest of trees that would have been made into paper towels. The dogs recovered quickly.)

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