CONTENT WARNING: Animal Death

Years ago, my aunt was positive that her Samoyed was pregnant. The vet told her she was wrong.

One night, the Samoyed gave birth to one huge pup. The same night, the neighbors’ Doberman died giving birth. The two Doberman pups were given to the Samoyed along with her one pup.

My aunt took all three pups to the vet.

Vet: “Okay, you were right about your Samoyed being pregnant… but there’s no way you can expect me to believe that these two pups are hers!”

A week ago, we were told of a scam call that one of my colleagues received. Someone claimed to have made an erroneous payment of £21 on our website and wanted a refund… but we don’t take online payments on our website!

Me: “[Vet Practice], [My Name], how can I help?”

Scammer: “Hey, pal, we made a mistake on your website and we’ve paid some money to your account. £21.”

Me: *Dripping with sarcasm* “Did you now?! Really?! Oh, my gosh!”

Scammer: “Yeah, right, and basically, you’ve not receive—” *Corrects himself* “I’VE not received payment back of yous and I’d like to know why.”

Me: “Oh, really! So you registered online with us and paid an amount of £200…”

Scammer: “No! No… No… £21 I paid.”

Me: “Oh, £21? And did you phone about this earlier already?”

Scammer: “No.”

Me: “No, really? Because we had the exact same thing happen the other day! It is such a coincidence, isn’t it?!”

Scammer: “It is!”

Me: “What is your postcode?”

Scammer: *Clearly making one up on the spot* “[Manchester area, 350km from us].”

Me: “It might be worth it, if you want to run a scam, to you look in your area because we are in London!”

Scammer: *Pauses* “I know you are in London.”

Me: “So, why would you want to register with us while you are in Manchester?”

Scammer: *Pauses* “Well, that’s the thing, that’s what I can’t understand. We paid £21 via Paypal to yous.”

Me: “That’s another funny thing. Our website is not set up to take payments via Paypal, so that is also not possible.”

Scammer: *Scrambling for words* “Er… er… ehm… it was for registering a microchip! That was what it was!” *Pauses*

Me: “Funny that! That’s not something clients do. That is something we do for clients, so that is also not possible!”

Scammer: “Right… so you… your website has been scammed, then.”

Me: “No, no, our website is fine.”

Scammer: “Er… erm…” *Cheerily* “No worries! I will go to the bank, then, and chase it.”

Me: “I think that is your best option, too. Good luck!”

Scammer: *As if we’ve just had the most normal conversation* “Thank you very much, pal! Bye!”

I am working late at a veterinary hospital and a note was left for the doctor. The phone rings, and I answer.

Me: “[Veterinary Hospital], my name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Owner: *Politely* “Hi there. I left a note for the doctor this afternoon and I haven’t heard back yet. My pet’s name is [Pet] and my last name is [Owner’s Last Name]. I was wondering if we could fill antibiotics for my pet?”

Me: “Okay, let me look that up for you!” *Typing* “Oh, I see the doctor won’t be in until tomorrow. Sorry about that. My coworker should have let you know! She’ll get back to you tomorrow, but I’ll let you know that standardly the doctor does require a recheck exam prior to filling antibiotics, especially since it’s been a couple months since we’ve seen the pet!”

Owner: *Silence*

Me: *Pauses* “Ma’am, did I lose you?”

Owner: *Suddenly angry* “No, I heard you, but that’s theft.”

Me: *Shocked* “What?”

Owner: “That’s theft to demand a recheck!”

Me: “Ma’am, I was letting you know so you have a realistic expectation of tomorrow’s call with the doctor and to see if you wanted to make the appointment.”

Owner: “That’s theft!”

Me: *Sternly, getting back my senses* “No, it is not.”

Owner: “Yes, it is!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you continue yelling at me, I will have to hang up.”

Owner: *Yelling* “I’m not yelling!”

Me: “Yes. You are.”

Owner: “I’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow!” *Hangs up*

Our German shepherd, Donner, is a very big dog — 120 pounds of muscle and bone and a head the size of a microwave oven. He’s also very sweet-tempered and not, alas, the sharpest Crayola in the box.

Our vet, who is a tiny little woman, has him up on the table at his annual exam. When the time comes for him to get a booster shot, she asks me to hold his head in case he responds badly to the needle going in. He doesn’t, nor to the next one she administers. In fact, he doesn’t even seem to notice.

Vet: *After a thoughtful pause* “You know… I’m not sure his brain and his pain centers are connected.”

Me: “That’s an awfully nice way of putting it.”

The veterinary clinic where I work has the most employees in the area; we often have students from the local tech school, and on any given shift, we have at least eight people working in the treatment area alone. This is well known by other clinics, and it is not uncommon for us to get referrals because someone’s regular veterinarian just doesn’t have enough staff to perform the procedure.

We get a call from a clinic with only three people on staff asking if we can do a C-section on a labrador retriever named Panda that has been in labor for hours and no puppies have been born yet. Labs generally have larger litters, and with a C-section, you need a person to stimulate each puppy until it wakes up. No way can that clinic handle more than five puppies. This will also be a great learning experience for our students.

So, our doctor agrees, and the patient is brought over and anesthetized. The procedure goes well, the dogs are recovering, and I get tasked with calling the other clinic to let them know how it went.

Me: “Hey, [Receptionist], we just got done with that C-section you sent over.”

Receptionist: “Oh, really? How’d it go?”

Me: “Great! Panda is recovering fine, 100% survival rate, nursing well.”

Receptionist: “Oh, wonderful. [Doctor] will be so glad to hear that.”

Me: “Did you guys take bets on how many pups there would be?”

Receptionist: “Given how big Panda was, we figured twelve or so. How many?”

Me: “One.”

Receptionist: “What?!”

Me: “One. There was one puppy — average-sized, too, not a giant. We had all the kids lined up ready to get puppies, the doctor handed the pup off to the head tech, and she started demonstrating how to stimulate. Then, the doctor called out, ‘That’s all, folks!’”

Receptionist: *Laughing* “Of course. You know what [Her Coworker] said when we called you?”

Me: “No.”

Receptionist: “He said, ‘I’ll bet there is only one puppy.’ We asked why, and he said, ‘Because Pandas don’t breed well in captivity.’”