The Cat’s Last Meow

| OH, USA | Pets & Animals

(Our small animal clinic opens an hour before the doctor comes in, during which time our grooming appointments, boarding appointments, etc. can come in, as well as customers looking for medication or food. We also receive a few calls. Because things are usually quiet, I am the only one answering phones.)

Caller: “Hi, um, I have a cat? It’s having some trouble.”

Me: “What seems to be going on?”

Caller: “Well, is there a reason a cat wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom?”

Me: “Is he having trouble urinating or defecating?”

Caller: “I’m not sure; he’s straining in the litter box.”

Me: “Well, potty problems can be caused by a lot of things in cats. If he’s not going poo, that could be constipation. If he’s not urinating, that could be something more serious, like a UTI or a urinary blockage, which would require immediate attention.”

Caller: “Can I bring him in right now?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not have a doctor here right now. If you do feel this is an emergency, I would recommend Local Emergency Vet #1 or Local Emergency Vet #2. Would you like either of their numbers?”

Caller: “Well, he’s actually a pretty old cat, and I don’t want to spend that kind of money. Can I just bring him in and you look at him?”

Me: “I am not licensed to practice veterinary medicine, ma’am. I’m afraid only a vet can provide medical advice.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not going to have any time later today. Do you have any appointments tomorrow?”

Me: *wondering if she’s heard the part where I said this is definitely an emergency* “Yes?”

(We make the appointment, and she asks to make a grooming appointment for her cat immediately following his examination, which I reluctantly book.)

Me: “And again, if he continues showing signs of pain, do consider calling back or taking him to an emergency vet.”

(The cat did make it to the appointment the next day — by a thread. The vet ended up referring him to the emergency vet for surgical intervention, which they cheerfully accepted.)

Caller: “Nah, he’s old. If he can’t tough it out, he’s had a good life!”

This Prank Is On A Roll

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I am a vet tech at a busy vet clinic. A client comes in with his intact male puppy. After the physical exam, the dog rolls over onto his back in a submissive stance. The owner starts freaking out.)

Owner: “His testicles are rolling up!”

(The vet and I look at each other a bit confused.)

Owner: “The breeder said that the dog’s testicles would go back into his abdomen if he rolled onto his back! I’ve spent the last ten weeks preventing my dog from rolling over!”

(We laughed about this for weeks afterwards.)

More Than Just A Pet Hate

| USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(The owner brings in a little, quite adorable, mixed breed dog. After talking about everything under the sun about her pet’s healthcare we get to the topic of having her pet spayed, which the owner agrees to.)

Me: “We have to wait a couple more months but this is an estimate for how much the spay is going to cost, so you can go ahead and plan for it.”

Owner: *looks at estimate and her face gets really red and she yells* “It says here you have to put my pet under anesthesia!”

Me: “Well, yes, she is getting spayed. It is a it is a surgical procedure where we have to go into the abdomen and remove the—”

Owner: “You are trying to rip me off! There is no reason my pet should have to be asleep for that!”

Me: “Ma’am, like I said, it is a abdominal surgical procedure—”

Owner: “I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN’T JUST HOLD HER DOWN AND SPAY HER! I WAS AWAKE FOR MY C-SECTION!”

Me: “Well, that is a very different procedure than the one we are discussing. Doing surgery on an animal is different than a human.”

(The owner goes into a rant about how she read on the Internet that vets like to rip people off and that her pet will die if she is put under anesthesia.)

Me: “Ma’am, would you want someone to hold you down, cut into your abdomen, and remove your reproductive organs while you are awake!?”

Owner: “NO, I WOULDN’T, BUT I’M A PAYING CUSTOMER. ISN’T THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS RIGHT?!”

Me: “NO! We are a medical practice, not Macy’s. Your pet is our patient.”

Owner: “You clearly don’t know what you’re doing! I’m going to take my pet to a more competent vet!”

(I then gave her her pet’s records and off she went ranting and raving without even paying her office visit fee.)

Boy, What A Problem!

| USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I’m a vet tech. The first appointment of the day is two ladies in their 30s bring in a young Shih Tzu puppy for its first visit. The owners tell me that this is their first puppy.)

Me: “Wow, what a cute little guy. How long have you had him?”

Owner: “Him? The breeder told us it was a girl.”

(I lift puppy up and all the male parts are there, I then turn him around and show owners. Both owners look shocked!)

Owner: “NO! IT’S A GIRL DOG BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE PAID FOR!”

Me: “Ma’am, he has a penis and testicles.”

Owner: “NO! NO, IT’S A GIRL!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you look here there is—”

Owner: “The breeder said it’s just a ambilican hernia and I believe the breeder! Why would he lie?”

Me: “Umm, I don’t know, ma’am. It’s pronounced umbilical hernia, and no, he doesn’t have one. That is his prepuce which sheathes his penis.”

Owner: “What do you know? You’re not a vet! I want to talk to a vet!”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I walked out and informed my vet of the clients’ concerns. I went into the room with the vet and he told them the same thing. The owners actually continued to try to argue with my vet as to whether it was a boy!)

Wish You Could Vet The Customers

| MN, USA | Crazy Requests, Time

Caller: “Hi, I am looking for pricing quotes for my dog.”

Me: “All right, no problem. What is going on with your dog?”

Caller: “My dog can’t walk and I want [dangerous medication], and my current vet will not sell it to me without checking her blood work first, because it is potentially hazardous to her health. So I am switching vets!”

Me: “Well, our exam cost is [amount] but that only includes the exam, no diagnostics or medications. Once the doctor does her initial exam, we can get you a more accurate estimate based on what the DOCTOR recommends for your pet in order to get her the help she needs safely.”

Caller: “No, I am the paying customer. I tell the doctor what I want and they do it. That is how this works.”

Me: *speechless*

Caller: “I want an appointment. When can I be seen?”

Me: “Our earliest appointment would be tomorrow morning. Would you like me to schedule you in for that?”

Caller: “No, I want to be seen right now. Thank you for wasting my time!” *click*

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