For the last year, I worked at a small town grocery store. Since we are about three years out from the start of the global health crisis and infection rates are down, masks are optional and only a handful of staff and customers wear them, and I am one of the few. 

One day, I think, “You know, my coworkers aren’t getting sick. Maybe it would be okay to unmask.” And I try a shift with no mask. 

It goes fine until my last customer of the day, a little old man, open-mouth coughs in my face through the entire transaction. I take a step back to try and be as far from his cigarette breath as possible while trying to get him through my line as fast as I can. It is skin-crawlingly gross.

And this is why I will probably continue to wear a mask when working a busy public-facing job, health crisis or not.

I work at a certain corporation where blowing up balloons makes up a majority of our business. We’re out of helium as it is in short supply this summer, and we haven’t gotten more in a while.

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need these balloons filled.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are currently out of helium and cannot fill these for you.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you’re out of helium? I called earlier today and someone on the phone said you could fill these!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of my coworkers would have told you this as we have been out of helium for weeks now.”

Customer: “It was the lady on the phone. She said you offer balloon inflation services!”

Me: “Do you remember the name of the employee you talked with?”

Customer: “She wasn’t an employee; she was the lady on the phone.”

Me: “Do you mean the automated message?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “That message is automated by the company. Normally, we do offer balloon inflation, but we are currently out.”

Customer: “But she told me you could!”

Me: “If you clicked ‘one’ on the keypad, it would have brought you to an actual employee who would have told you we were out.”

Customer: “But I didn’t want to talk to an actual employee!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but I cannot fill your balloons for you.”

Customer: “Then you should change the automated message!”

Me: “I don’t have access to that, but I will pass your suggestion along.”

Customer: “Then maybe you should send out a memo to your employees to make sure they don’t tell people they can fill balloons!

I am a cashier at the lowest rung in the corporation, but I just say:

Me: “Yeah, I’ll make sure to send out that memo.”

I work at a popular sandwich shop in a small town. Customers can order and pay online, and then grab the order and leave without even needing to talk to us. Most customers grab and go.

It is an unusually busy day when we get a phone call. The woman on the phone is clearly livid but trying to be polite.

Me: “Hello, [Shop]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m calling because I received the wrong sandwich. I have the order number right here.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What was this an online order?”

Customer: “Yes, and I have the order number right here.”

I go to the till and begin looking up her order.

Me: “What was the order name? Was it [Name]?”

I have a suspicion that a new hire got the order wrong, but I can’t check without being rude to the new hire.

Customer: “Yes. Who am I speaking with?”

Me: “My name is [My Name], and I have the order right here. Which sandwich was incorrect?”

Customer: “I ordered a turkey and I got a meatball. I want to take off the turkey and pay for the meatball. Nobody is going to eat it, but it’s the right thing to do, and I live too far away to come all the way back.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. It has been unusually busy… Let me see—”

Customer: *Cutting me off* “The thing is that we’ve ordered here multiple times and there is usually something wrong with our order.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that.”

She continues and repeats that she wants to swap the sandwich she received with the one she ordered. She also repeats multiple times that “It’s the right thing to do.” The way she says, “It’s the right thing to do,” implies that we were morally wrong for giving her the wrong sandwich. I’m not sure how to react to that, so I don’t react at all to “It’s the right thing to do.”

Me: “I’m very sorry for the inconvenience. It looks like I can’t swap out that one sandwich, but I can refund your entire order and It will go back onto your card.”

You’d think this woman would be pleased with a full refund for the entire order, not that one sandwich, right? WRONG! Her voice gets tense with what sounds like barely-contained rage. It sounds like she’s barely holding in a full-on screaming match. I am absolutely positive that if she were in the store, she would throw something at me.

Customer: “I find it very interesting that you haven’t given me the order number yet, and this is not the same person I was talking to.”

I blink in stunned silence for several seconds.

Me: “My name is [My Name], and I’m the only one you’ve been talking to. The order number is [order number]. Unfortunately, I can’t swap out one sandwich for another. What I can do is give you a full refund and recharge you for the order you received.”

Customer: “No, unacceptable. At this point, I don’t trust that I won’t be overcharged. I don’t want you to get in trouble or have the store lose money. I got a sandwich and I need to pay for it. Even though nobody’s going to eat it, it’s the right thing to do.”

Me: “I can give you a full refund.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Me: “My managers are great; they will understand.”

Customer: “Well, it’s great to have managers who don’t hold people accountable, and this is not the same person who picked up the phone. Customers do know.”

I’m stunned. I’ve never had a talent for voice acting, and I have been the only person on the phone. I’ve also never seen someone so unwilling to take a full refund on one wrong sandwich, and I want to know what she’s talking about when she says, “Customers do know.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am the only person who has been on the phone with you.”

Customer: “DON’T YOU CALL ME ‘MA’AM’!”

Me: “Sorry… Miss… The only thing I can do for you is a full refund.”

We went back and forth for nearly ten more minutes. She did NOT want the refund but eventually conceded and accepted it. The real kicker? The difference in price for the sandwich she got versus the sandwich she ordered was less than a dollar.

Back when I was in high school, there was one kid who sat next to me in homeroom and always had his nose in a book. One of his peculiarities was that he refused to stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of school; he would just continue reading through it. All of us had long since gotten used to this.

One day, we had a substitute filling in who was not used to this and clearly didn’t approve.

Substitute: “Stand up.”

Student: “No, thank you.”

Substitute: “You need to—”

It was at about this time that we finished the Pledge. The substitute sort of trailed off as he apparently realized ordering someone to say the Pledge now that the Pledge was already over was kind of pointless. He waited until the rest of the announcements were over before returning to ask the student why he didn’t say the Pledge.

Me: “He never says the Pledge.”

Substitute: “Why not?”

Student: “I don’t approve of it, it’s a waste of time, and I’d rather read my book.”

Substitute: “It’s not a waste of time. It’s how you show your patriotism.”

Student: “I like our country, but I’m not swearing blind obedience to it. If tomorrow, Hitler Jr. becomes president and starts rounding people up, I’d have no qualms about saying it no longer deserved my support.”

Substitute: “That isn’t what the Pledge says!’

Student: “Regardless, it’s a waste of time with an uncomfortable association with McCarthyism. It’s not like anyone was going to betray America but decided not to because they suddenly remembered they were forced to say some rote pledge in elementary school. And I don’t care what the courts say; forcing someone to say, ‘under God,’ is a clear violation of the first amendment.”

Substitute: “Well, you can explain that all to the principal, then.”

Student: “I’d be happy to, but if that was a threat of punishment, I should point out that the Supreme Court has already ruled that I have the first amendment right to not say the Pledge. Are you going to show your patriotism by trying to violate the most sacred tenet afforded to me by the country you claim to love?”

The substitute seemed taken aback by that. He was saved from trying to figure out a response to that by the bell signaling that it was time to head to our first period.

We never saw that substitute again, which is a shame. Apparently, the student had been rehearsing his own parody pledge to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which he planned to say if that substitute, or anyone else, tried to compel him to take part in the Pledge of Allegiance again. I’d really have loved to see that.

I work as a behavior interventionist. Basically, I observe certain students’ behaviors and come up with ideas to help them be successful in school. I then implement the plans (once approved) and collect data so the school can track progress. I love my job, and seeing the progress students make is incredible. It also happens to be shortly after the song “What Does The Fox Say?” has gone viral.

The student I’m working with now has unintentionally deceptive body language. The same body language could be signs of a bunch of different things, and it’s my job to figure it out.

The science teacher rented a bunch of animal pelts and the students have the option to touch/examine them. They can choose not to, though. The student I’m focusing on might be fine, might be shutting down, might be stressed about the dead animals, might be about to blow, or might just want to draw. This kid is an enigma.

A wonderful child notices their body language, and instead of drawing attention to them and asking, “Are you okay?”, they begin petting the fox pelt and say, in the same way as the song:

Wonderful Child: “What does the fox say?”

Then, the kid drops their happy attitude.

Wonderful Child: “Nothing, the fox is dead.” 

My kid BURST out laughing, and I knew all was well.

That strategy of making a joke to test a student’s mental state is a tool I use now. I have to be careful, of course, about the time, place, and person, but it works! 

Thanks, random kid!