Y’All Ever Hear Of Sarcasm?

, , , , , | Working | September 29, 2020

I work at a major international coffee chain. I am doing this job only because I need it and living in Vancouver is expensive.

We’re at a regular all-staff meeting.

Management: “We have a new policy to save costs. From now on, when charities come in asking if we can donate food or coffee for their events, we are going to instead offer them volunteers.”

Me: *Over-enthusiastically* “So, we get to volunteer when people ask us for donations?”

Management: “Yeah! We’ll have signup sheets in here so staff can sign up to volunteer when they’re off shift.”

Me: *Still excited* “So, instead of donating food, we get to give them our free time and volunteer on behalf of [Major Company]!”

Management: “Yep. We’re glad you’re so enthusiastic about the changes.”

My coworker whispers to another barista, my friend.

Coworker: “I can’t tell if [My Name] is weirdly excited about her job or if she really hates it.”

Friend: “She definitely hates it. So much, she’s snapped.”

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Being A Real Boob

, , , , , | Friendly | September 22, 2020

I have a friend who’s a little bit… off. She means well, but she sometimes goes in strange directions.

Friend: “It’s weird that they call it coconut milk. I mean, at least with almond milk or oat milk, they were deliberately trying to make something like milk, but coconuts just have the stuff inside them already.”

Me: “Right, but it is similar to milk.”

Friend: “Yes, but people from some cultures wouldn’t know that, not before they made contact with Europeans.”

Me: “Wouldn’t know what?”

Friend: “What milk is.”

Me: *Confused pause* “Why wouldn’t they know that?”

Friend: “Well, they didn’t have cows.”

Me: “Okay, but even if they had no domestic animals at all, they’d still know what milk is.”

Friend: “How could they possibly know that?”

Me: “[Friend]. Humans make milk.”

Friend: “Not without animals! Where would they get it from?”

Me: “From their boobs?”

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Ah, Mothers, Part 9

, , , , , | Related | September 20, 2020

My husband and I are Canadian. When our daughter is eight months old, we drive to British Columbia to stay with my parents for a while, and then we plan to drive to Seattle and stay there for a day or two. This, for some reason, gives my mother a great deal of anxiety.

Mum: “I do wish you’d change your mind about going to Seattle.”

Me: “Why? [Husband] and I spent some time there on our honeymoon and we really liked it. We wanted to revisit some of the places we remember.”

Mum: “It’s the United States, though.”

Me: “And?”

Mum: “Someone might kidnap [Daughter].”

Me: “What? She’s no more likely to be kidnapped there than she is here.”

Mum: “Well, what if you leave her outside in her stroller while you and [Husband] are shopping? Someone could grab her!”

Me: “Are you kidding? I would never do that in a million years, no matter where I was!”

Mum: *Not listening* “Please, just promise me that you won’t leave her outside a shop alone in her stroller.”

Me: “Sure, Mum. You have my word.”

I thought that was the end of it, but no. Both Mum and Dad tackled my husband separately and begged him to get me to change my mind about going to Seattle. He politely told them that our plans were not going to change. We had a wonderful time there, by the way, and our daughter wasn’t kidnapped.

Related:
Ah, Mothers, Part 8
Ah, Mothers, Part 7
Ah, Mothers, Part 6
Ah, Mothers, Part 5
Ah, Mothers, Part 4

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We Hope She Likes Walking Home

, , , , , , | Right | September 15, 2020

A customer brings an item to the till. It comes to about $16, and when she opens her wallet I clearly see a $20 bill. She puts down $2.

Customer: *Whining* “That’s all I have! Is that okay? Can I take it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I need the full amount.”

I don’t mention that I saw a twenty in her wallet. She puts down a few dollars more.

Me: “I still need the full amount.”

Customer: *Still whining* “But I need money for the bus!”

This continued for quite a while until she finally paid the actual amount for the item and left.

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Giving The Misogynists A Good Dressing-Down

, , , , , , | Learning | August 27, 2020

I teach at an international school for adult students learning English as a second language. Obviously, navigating cultural differences between students is an inherent part of the job. 

For the second year in a row that I’ve been at this school, at a staff meeting, an older male teacher has brought up the fact that many of the female students are wearing “revealing” clothing. It’s summer, so we’re talking things like tank tops and shorts — nothing that would get you arrested. Nevertheless, he’s previously suggested that we should have a dress code.

Male Teacher: “I mean, shouldn’t we do something about this?”

Our headteacher is also a middle-aged man.

Head Teacher: *Pause* “Does something need to be done?”

Male Teacher: “Well, I mean, in particular, it attracts a lot of attention from some of the boys, especially the ones from more conservative countries where women don’t dress like that. They’re distracted and they, you know, talk and make comments.”

One of the new teachers, who’s younger and a woman, pipes up. 

Female Teacher: “You’re absolutely right, [Male Teacher]. We should do something. Thanks for bringing that up.”

Everyone looks up in surprise, since the female teacher is known for her outspoken feminism. She continues.

Female Teacher: “I’m so glad you agree that someone should talk about appropriate conduct to these young people. They need to be reminded that, in a multicultural environment, they have to be aware of differences between what is considered respectful and acceptable to their peers, and that there is no excuse for making other people uncomfortable.”

A few teachers, I included, catch on and start smiling.

Female Teacher: “To that end, [Male Teacher], I’m glad you’ve volunteered to talk to the counselors and ask that the students be reminded that ogling and commenting on their classmates in a sexual way is flatly disgusting behavior that will not be tolerated. It doesn’t matter if that’s an okay way to talk in their country; it isn’t here. This is a learning environment and our students should feel safe, not judged and objectified. 

Head Teacher: “Very well said! Thank you, [Female Teacher]; you’re absolutely right.”

Female Teacher: “And thank you, [Male Teacher], for being so sensitive to this problem. So many people would ignore it, or even try to blame it on the young women in this situation.”

She smiled at him like the purest, most innocent angel; he nodded like he was in pain, and never brought up the idea of having a dress code ever again.


This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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Read the Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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