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Being A Cat Lady: There’s An App For That

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2017

(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)

Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”

Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”

Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”

Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”

Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys*  “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”

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Turn Right On Left Street

, , , , , | Right | June 24, 2017

Customer: “Hello, what street are you located on?”

Me: “[Street], in between [Road #1] and [Road #2], opposite the big toy store.”

Customer: “Are you on the left or right hand side on the road?”

Me: *silence and confusion* “Um…”

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Must Be One Of Those IPAs Or Something

, , , , | Right | June 20, 2017

Customer: “What sort of alcohol would you recommend for a single lady in her mid 30s who lives by herself?”

Me: “Cats.”

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You Shall Not Pass This Iceberg

, , , , | Learning | October 7, 2015

(I teach English as a second language. In my conversation class, we’re talking about movies.)

Me: “What’s your favourite movie, [Student]?”

Student:Lord of the Rings!”

Me: “Oh, I love Lord of the Rings. The hobbits are so cute!”

Student: “What?”

Me: “The hobbits. You know, the little short people with the hairy feet.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “Um, why don’t you tell me what Lord of the Rings is about.”

Student: “There’s a man and a woman and they fall in love on a boat, but the boat sinks and he dies and it’s very sad.”

Me: “…Titanic. You mean Titanic.”

Student: “Yes! That one.”

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Your Words Are Broken

, , , , | Learning | April 22, 2015

Me: “What’s up, [Student]?”

Student: *looking sad* “Oh, teacher, I’m so depressed. I broke my girlfriend.”

Me: “You what?”

Student: “I found out she cheated on me so I had to break her.”

Me: “Oh, you broke up with her. That’s too bad.”

Student: “Yes, yes! I feel so bad; I think I might throw out.”

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