Giving The Gift Of Confusion

, , , | Right | December 26, 2017

(I am the customer in this story. It’s the 26th of December, and I’m calling customer support for an online retailer.)

Me: “Yeah, you see, I recently received this package from you guys but I didn’t ask for it.”

Support: “Did you check or buy on our website recently?”

Me: “Actually, yes, I’ve bought a few things, just not this one. It’s a ship for one to mount and paint, you know? I don’t remember buying that.”

Support: “Did you receive some unexpected payment in your card?”

Me: “No, not, at all. Maybe it’s somebody else’s. Maybe somebody bought it and by some sort of mistake it came to me and now they’re waiting for it.”

Support: “Is your name on the package? Is it addressed to you?”

Me: “Yes, yes, of course it is. I wouldn’t have taken it otherwise.”

Support: “Sir, maybe it’s a gift from someone?”

Me: “…”

Support: “Sir?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, that makes sense. A gift. Of course. Thanks for your help.”

Support: “Thanks for calling and Merry Christmas, sir.”

Please Tell Me You’re Kitten

, , , , | Friendly | September 4, 2017

(My girlfriend and I are visiting a friend who has two dogs and two cats.)

Friend: “The weirdest thing happened yesterday. All the animals were in the same room, and I left for about half an hour, but when I came back, there was a single drop of blood on the floor. So, of course, I checked all of them to see if they were hurt, but not one of them had a single scratch. They’ve been living here together for years now without ever attacking each other. I have no idea where that came from.”

Me: “Well, that IS weird, but nothing to worry about, I guess.”

Girlfriend: “I know what happened.”

Friend: “You do?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, clearly one of the cats was pregnant and you didn’t notice. She had her babies in the room, but felt hungry and ate them.”

(Our friend and I start laughing, completely convinced that it’s some sort of joke explanation, but as my girlfriend keeps looking at us with a concerned look, laughter stops.)

Me: “You’re… you’re not serious, right?”

Girlfriend: “It could happen.”

Friend: “No, it could not! How can you not notice a pregnant cat?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know, it surely isn’t that noticeable.”

Me: “You can’t be serious right now. That’s not the only problem here; it takes far longer than half an hour for a cat give birth.”

Girlfriend: “Maybe it was just one or two kitties.”

Friend: “It still takes a while, and also, it’s really messy, there’d be much more than a drop of blood around.”

Girlfriend: “I just told you, she ate it all.”

Me: “But why?”

Girlfriend: “She was hungry!”

Me: “Cats rarely eat bones!”

Girlfriend: “Well, this one obviously does.”

Friend: “Are you for real right now? Nothing of what you said makes any sense whatsoever; stop trying to defend it.”

Girlfriend: “At least I have an explanation, unlike any of you!”