(My mother, stepdad, stepbrother and I are traveling to a campground. We have been lost for hours. We have no GPS, and my mother is reading our map.)
Me: “So, any guess to how much longer this might be? [Brother] and I would like to get out and stretch please.”
Stepdad: “Yeah. We’ll turn here and stretch.”
(As he turns, my mother turns the map with it.)
Stepbrother: “[Mother]! You don’t turn the map when someone turns! No wonder we’re lost!”
(Our family is on holiday, driving through a particularly beautiful part of the country.)
Sister: “It’s so picture-skew!”
Me: “You’ve only ever used ‘picturesque’ in written form, haven’t you?”
(My dad uses some connections to reserve us an island to camp on in the Gulf of Mexico. The island is tiny, and we are the only people camping there. The largest animal on the island is probably a rabbit. I am eight, and my brother is three. The week we are there, low tide is around 11:00 pm, and my parents leave to go and look for shells. I’ve never been very good at sleeping, so I decide to follow after them. Eventually, they run into me on the beach.)
Dad: “[My Name], is that you?”
Me: “Yes, Daddy!”
Dad: “Do you know what time it is?”
Me: “Dark.”
Dad: “Yes. Why aren’t you asleep in the tent?”
Me: “There’s a bear attacking the tent. It scared me.”
Dad: “Baby, there aren’t any bears on the island. Why do you think there’s a bear attacking the tent?”
Me: “I heard it. It growled and banged on the wall.”
Mom: “Where’s your baby brother?
Me: “He was asleep already. I left him for the bear to eat.”
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(My dad and I are touring the Grand Canyon as part of a father-daughter bonding trip. We want a picture of both of us in front of the canyon, so we ask another tourist wearing a cowboy hat to take our picture.)
Tourist: “Okay, where did you want to stand?”
Dad: “Right here’s good.”
(My dad is wearing a baseball cap because of the sun, but in pictures the shadow from the cap completely hides his face.)
Me: “Take off your hat, or it’ll hide your face.”
Tourist: “Oh yes of course, I’m so sorry; I hadn’t thought of that! I’ll take it off. I’m so sorry!”
Dad: “Don’t boss around people who aren’t family!”
Me: “I was talking to you. His face isn’t even going to be in the picture.”
(My boyfriend, some friends and I are playing Risk. I am trying to take Mexico, when my boyfriend moves his pieces on them.)
Me: “No! Don’t take Mexico! That’s mine!”
Boyfriend: “Ha, nope!”
Me: “If you take Mexico, that’s it. No sex for you!”
Boyfriend: “No sex?”
Me: “You take Mexico, there is no sexico!”
