He Knows He’s Full Of Malar-Key

| Right | August 15, 2012

(I work in customer relations for a major utility. A landlord is upset that we haven’t gotten a meter read prior to transferring service into his name.)

Me: “I see we have a key on file, but it appears it stopped working a few months ago.”

Customer: *very irate* “Well, I don’t know why that would have happened. I think your meter reader was just being lazy and didn’t feel like doing his job!”

Me: “Sir, did you by any chance change the locks on your building?”

Customer: *nervous stammering* “N-no… I did not.”

Me: “Usually, the key stops working only because the locks are changed or broken. Did your tenant change the locks by chance?”

Customer: “No, I’m the only one that changes the locks on my building! That tenant was evicted, and I had to change the locks to keep them from stealing from me!”

Me: “So, you DID change the locks, then?”

Customer: “Er… um… well, why wasn’t I notified that the key was no longer working?!”

Me: “So, you wanted us to notify you that YOU changed the locks on your own building?”

Customer: “I’m so F***ING sick of your company!” *click*

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Solar Power With Extra Flare

| Right | April 28, 2011

Me: “Welcome to [power company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I have solar panels, and I’m moving house. I was just
wondering if you could transfer the power?”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to know if you can take the panels to your new house? You’ll have to contact a solar company for that sir, but I don’t think so.”

Caller: “No. I don’t want to move the panels. Can’t you just move the power from them across? Like, through the air or by cable or something?”

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Money To Burn

, , , | Right | May 23, 2010

Caller: “I want to know why my gas bill is so high.”

Me: “Okay, well looking at your account history I can see we have billed you accurate readings which show very high daily consumption. How many hours is your central heating in use per day?”

Caller: “I never use my heating since my boiler started smelling of gas.”

Me: “It sounds like you may have a gas leak in the property. I need you to call the gas emergency helpline as soon as you finish this call. Please extinguish any naked flames and try to turn off your electrical appliances if it is safe to do so.”

Caller: “Is the leak causing my high bill?”

Me: “How long have you been smelling gas?”

Caller: “About five months.”

Me: “Sir, that is a very dangerous amount of time to leave a gas leak unattended. Why did you not query this earlier?”

Caller: “It didn’t seem important.”

Me: “I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to call the emergency helpline straight away.”

Caller: “Can’t we talk about my bill first?”

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Who’s Got The Power Now, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 24, 2009

Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says. Put my f****** power on!”

Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”

Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”

Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”

Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”

Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”

Caller: *click*

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