(I work for a company that does outsource billing support for an electric company in another state. Today, this happened.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Power Company]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to pay my bill. I got a shut-off notice.”

Me: “Certainly, I can help you with that. Can I have your account number, please?” *looks up the account* “To keep your service on, we’d need a payment of $148.73 by 5:00 pm today. How would you like to pay that? We accept checks by phone, VISA, and MasterCard.”

Customer: “I don’t have that much.”

Me: “All right, what are you able to pay today?”

Customer: “Seventy-five bucks.”

Me: “Tell you what. I’ll set you up on a payment arrangement — $75 today and we’ll add a portion of the remainder to your next few bills until it’s paid off.”

Customer: “No! I ain’t going on a payment arrangement.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Open your ears, dips***; I said I ain’t going on no f****** payment arrangement!”

Me: “First of all, please watch your language. Secondly, if you went on the arrangement you’d be back to current within a month or two, and you’d keep your electric service on in the meantime.”

Customer: “You’re going to take my $75 and you’re not shutting off my d*** service.”

Me: “Sir, if you only pay the $75 without the arrangement, I can assure you that your service will be shut off come 5:00 pm.”

(Our company uses remote capable or Smart Meters. The power goes off at 5:00 pm on the disconnect notice due date if payment or an arrangement is not made.)

Customer: “F*** you. I’ll pay it online.”

(This was around 4:30 pm. A little after 5:00, out of curiosity, I pulled up his account again. True to his word, he did pay $75 online. Yes, his service was shut off for non-payment. He called back and ended up screaming his way to a supervisor. Now, not only did he need to pay the remainder of the past due to get reconnected, but he also was charged a $500 deposit since he had been shut off before. Karma’s a b****.)

(I work for a utility company in western New York. This customer calls asking for service. From time to time, people call and find out that somebody has used their info to fraudulently start service. This is not one of these situations. I have just informed this customer that he has had two different accounts under his name with our company. He insists he has never had service, so I take a closer look.)

Me: “Sir, I see here that the first address where you previously had service was taken over by your wife after your account ended.”

Customer: “I lived there but it was never in my name. It was only in my wife’s name. I have never had service; somebody must have stolen my identity.”

Me: “Hmm… I also see that the second account listed is at the very same address and it starts immediately after your wife’s account ends. You had service two times at an address where you actually lived.” 

Customer: “I don’t know how that is possible. I mean, I lived there, but I have never had service under my name. Obviously, this is fraud.” 

Me: “So, what you are saying is that somebody stole your personal info to fraudulently start service at an address where you were actually living before your wife had service there and then did it again after your wife’s account ended?”

Customer: “Yes, I think this is what has happened.”

Me: “The only way to dispute these accounts is to file a police report about your identity being stolen and fill out a fraud packet to start an investigation.”

(This usually stops the nonsense dead because nobody wants to file a false police report. Well, they have actually done this and been arrested on the spot, but I digress.)

Customer: “This is not fair. I have never had service under my name. What am I supposed to do?”

Me: “You need to be able to prove you weren’t living at an address you have already admitted that you lived in on a recorded line. “

Customer: “How much do I have to pay?”

Me: Thank you for calling [Utility Company]. My name is [My Name].”

Customer: “I am calling because I cancelled my credit card and you are using it to pay one of my accounts. I need help figuring out which one it is so I can change the card number.”

Me: “I would be happy to help! I can tell you [Utility Company] does not keep any credit card info on file for any reason. We use the customer’s bank information — the routing and account number.”

Customer: “So, how do I delete the card from your system?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it is not there to delete. We don’t keep anyone’s credit card info on file, ever.”

Customer: “So, how do I figure out which account you are using to pay the bill?”

Me: *facepalm* “Ma’am, what I am telling you is that we do not have your card information, or anyone’s card information for that matter. There is none to find as we never keep any card numbers on file.”

Customer: *angrily as she feels she has me caught in a lie* “Well, it shows here on my statement that you are taking payments from my card!”

Me: *calmly and politely* “Ma’am, we keep no credit card info in our system. Each time a customer makes a payment with a credit card they give us the number and we enter it manually. No credit card info is ever kept on file. There is no place to look for it and no information to delete or update because it is not in our system.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?!” *click*

My partner’s father works for a multinational company that fits fire detection equipment, not your standard home or small business detectors but sophisticated multi-sensor systems for large companies, industrial complexes, etc. He’s worked all over the country in everything from steel foundries to naval bases.

He was recently tasked with fitting some new systems at one of the UK’s nuclear sites as part of a team of eight technicians. Due to some of what they were installing actually being inside the housings for a reactor, they were briefed ahead of time on the more unique dangers of working in a potentially radioactive environment. The one thing that stood out was a warning to consider removing wedding rings or other items of significant value; upon leaving the site, anything that registered as radioactive would be retained by the site and sent to deep storage as radioactive waste until pretty much the end of time.

There were eight technicians, seven went in wearing no jewelry, and one decided to carry on wearing his wedding ring. When they exited the site that evening, three of them had items flagged as very slightly radioactive. Two of them went home without their boiler suits, and one of them went home without his boiler suit or his wedding ring. His wife was not impressed.

(My family lives in a part of California that has been subjected to power shutoffs by our power company, in the name of safety concerns. Before the most recent shutoff, my daughter receives this phone alert:)

Alert: “Hello, this is [Huge Power Company] with an important message… Goodbye.” *click*

(A bit ominous, no?)