(I was just clocking into work, and since I am a traveling teller, meaning I go to different locations every day, I have to wait for the manager of the specific branch to give me a drawer.)

Customer: “Excuse me? What are you doing?”

(I continue starting up my computer, assuming she isn’t speaking to me as I still have my ‘next window’ sign up.)

Customer: *to others in line* “Look at that dumb b****, sitting around doing nothing but play with her hair when there’s a line out of the door!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am? I am not yet up and ready; my shift has just started. I’m sure another teller will be with you in just one moment. Your patience is appreciated.”

Customer: *rolls eyes*

(After a few moments, she finally reaches another teller, and the following conversation happens after her transaction is completed.)

Customer: “Why would you even hire such a lazy, incompetent girl?”

Coworker: “She actually doesn’t have a drawer yet, so she has no cash to work with.”

Customer: “If I wanted to hear excuses, I would have talked to her. Next time I’m in here, she better be fired! I will be reporting her to management. She should have brought her own cash in if you guys were busy.”

Coworker: “Ma’am? You wanted her to bring thousands of dollars of her own money so you wouldn’t have to wait a few moments on Friday afternoon at a very busy bank?”

Customer: “Yes! That would have been the right thing to do.”

(I was yelled at the first two minutes of my shift. I decided this had to be some sort of record, and we all had a good laugh about it in the end. Joke’s on you, lady. You didn’t ruin my day; you just made me laugh! Plus, she didn’t even get my name so she could report me.)

(I get calls like this on my mobile regularly.)

Caller: “Hi, this is [Caller] with [Some Company]. Can I speak to [My Name]?”

Me: “This is she.”

Caller: “Thank you; could I have you verify your mailing address and birthdate?”

Me: “Nope.”

Caller: “Well, I won’t be able to proceed with the call unless you give it to me.”

Me: “I won’t give that information over the phone to someone who called me.”

Caller: “I already have your information; I just need you to verify it.”

Me: “You can tell me what you have and I’ll verify it, but I won’t give it to you over the phone since you called me.”

Caller: “Well then, I won’t be able to proceed with the call at this time. We’ll call again later.”

Me: “I still won’t give you that information later.”

Caller: “We’ll call later. Bye.”

(I’m giving out sample cups of French onion dip and carrots in a grocery store. I’m mixing more dip in a bowl on my table when I hear a woman’s voice say “You aren’t smiling enough!” and she flicks the brim of my hat.)

Me: *unsure I heard her correctly* “What?”

Cranky Lady: “I said you don’t smile enough.” *grabs and yanks my hat down over my face* “Are you gonna smile now?”

Me: *I adjust my hat and say in a cheery tone* “Smiles are for people who take samples.” *attempts to give her one*

Cranky Lady: “I don’t want any of that bull-s***.” *walks away*

Me: “…”

(My husband and I are babysitting his younger siblings who are six and eight, as their parents went out of town. After a long day of hearing the two screaming over who killed who in a game, my husband and I want to go upstairs and hide for some peace and quiet for a few minutes.)

Husband: “Hey, so, [My Name] and I need to go upstairs and do something for a few minutes. Don’t kill each other.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “Yeah, you’re probably going upstairs to go make out.”

Husband: *taken aback* “No, we’re not…”

Six-Year-Old Sister: “Don’t go! You’ll miss all the fun!”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “No they won’t. They have their own fun in mind.”

(My ex is not known to be the sharpest tool in the shed. He once hit an elk because he thought it was a good idea to drive 75 mph to get away from the herd faster. This one evening, I finally figure out how he manages to hit so many animals:)

Me: *seeing a deer standing in the road ahead and realizing ex is not slowing down* “[Ex], there’s a deer in the road.”

Ex: “I’m going the speed limit!”

Me: “But the deer isn’t!”

Ex: “Well, what do you expect me to do? Stop?”

Me: “Yes, stopping would be preferable to hitting a deer!”

Ex: *stopping the car and pouting* “It’s illegal to stop in the road.”

Me: *mental facepalm* “I think it’s allowed when avoiding a collision with a large animal.”

(How I stuck with him for five years, I’ll never know.)