(A mother and daughter are placing an order, and they let me know that the daughter has a gluten allergy. I let them know that this is no problem, and direct them to the gluten-free items on the menu.)

Daughter: “I’d like to order the chicken flatbread, with the tomatoes and flat bread on the side.”

Me: “The flat bread is the base of the item. What do you mean by ‘on the side’?”

Daughter: “I want everything on the side, separated.”

(I explain that the flat bread is not gluten-free, and that even if we did separate the items, we could not guarantee they would be gluten-free since it’s not on the gluten-free menu.)

Mother: “Are you serious? If you can’t provide my daughter something that is gluten-free, then you’re going to have a f****** lawsuit on your hands! There will be an ambulance here to take her away to the hospital if she doesn’t have something to eat! If you can’t do this, quite frankly, someone should lose their job. Now, get this girl some food.”

(Later, the daughter came to apologize for her mother’s behavior and told me that she didn’t have a gluten allergy at all.)

(I work at a clothing store that markets itself as a family-friendly store with clothes for the whole family. We have a t-shirt in the boy’s department that says “ANIMAL” on it three times, with different letters a lighter color than the rest on each line so that it spells out “I’M AN ANIMAL” within the words. We’ve had the shirt for some time, and it’s one of our popular ones. A man and his son, maybe nine years old, come to my register with this shirt. The man seems a bit agitated.)

Customer: “Hi, I need to return this shirt. I don’t know what kind of business you guys are running, but it has a swear word on it.”

Me: “You mean… ‘animal?’”

Customer: “No, just look at it. My poor son wore this to a party.”

(I stare at the shirt for a good thirty seconds and can’t see anything other than the word “animal.” The customer then points to the top line, where the “IM” in the middle of the word is a different color. I still don’t see anything. The customer then points to the “AN” and “AL” on either side.)

Me: Oh… ‘Anal.’ I never even noticed that was there; I think it’s honestly just supposed to say, ‘animal.’ I don’t think they meant to do that on purpose.”

Customer: “Of course they did. They do it so unsuspecting people will wear the shirt and the smarter people will see it and be subjected to that kind of language.”

Me: “Okay, then. Let’s just get that returned for you.”

(The boy seemed unfazed by the whole event, as if his father’s rationale was totally normal and he fully believed it. Of course, this customer also didn’t have his receipt, and expected me to give him cash back for the full price of the shirt when it had gone on clearance, and our policy is store credit without a receipt. Overall, he was a fun customer to deal with.)

(The store I work at is closing at the end of December. I’m particularly stressed about it, since the same thing happened to my previous job only a few months before, and I am still trying to find somewhere else to go. This is, of course, the perfect time for my least favorite regular, a forgetful old lady with two dogs, to come in.)

Regular: “Oh, hello! Why do all these signs say, ‘Everything must go’?”

Me: “Well, the store is closing soon, so we’re liquidating. Just so you know, because of the generous discounts, you can’t use coupons anymore, and all sales are final.”

Regular: “Oh, okay. So, what are the sales?”

(There are sale signs posted on literally everything, all within about two feet of each other, so I point them out and explain and let her go on her way. She and her dogs stay for hours, and she keeps piling things on the back counter like it’s her personal cart. I remind her each time that she is not allowed behind the register and she continues pushing past me. Eventually, she finally checks out, a process which takes almost half an hour because she’s forgotten the sales and I have to explain them to her again multiple times. She also haggles on every item and gives me a ton of “no”s, but then asks me to hold them for her until tomorrow. Finally, she leaves, because she claims her dogs are getting overwhelmed. I think that’s the end of it until she actually comes back the next day, bag and receipt in hand.)

Regular: “Um, hi, I think it was you who helped me yesterday? I don’t know. I bought this pin.”

Me: “Yes, that was me. What about the pin?”

Regular: “Well, you see, on my way home, I was messing with it a little bit, and one of the stones fell out.”

Me: *ready for the crap-storm* “Oh, that sucks. I’m sorry.”

Regular: “You’re not going to ask me if I want to return it?”

Me: “No, because as I explained yesterday, all sales are final and we can’t accept any returns.”

Regular: “But it’s broken!”

Me: “It’s not broken because of us, so we can’t do anything about it. It broke after you left the store because you mishandled it.”

Regular: “Fine! God! Let me see my holds!”

Me: *pulls out the basket we set aside for her yesterday*

Regular: *starts pulling out items one by one and throwing them at me* “Then I don’t want this! I don’t want this! I don’t want any of this!”

Me: *getting beaned in the face by a sharp pair of earrings* “Then don’t buy them, and leave the store now.”

Regular: “How dare you?! I’m going to have you fired!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve effectively already been fired; all of us have. Our store is closing.”

Regular: *on her way out* “Good! You’re the reason they’re closing your store!”

This story is part of our Hagglers roundup.

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(It’s the 30th anniversary of one of my favorite movies. My husband, a movie buff himself, gets us tickets, but our sitter cancels at the last minute. Without another alternative, we decide to risk it and bring our three-year-old son along. We’re able to get a ticket for the seat right next to those we already bought, and plan to take turns taking him out if he interferes with anyone else’s enjoyment of the movie. To our delight, he’s very well-behaved and only needs to go out once, to use the restroom. The movie is nearly over, and we’re watching the climactic sword fight between two brilliant swordsman.)

Inigo: *on screen* “I want my father back, you son of a b****.” *stabs his opponent*

(There’s a moment of silence where the impact of this hits the audience, which is exactly when my son gasps.)

Son: “OH, NO!”

(The whole theater cracks up laughing, and it just ruins the dramatic tension built up over the previous 90 minutes. I am horribly embarrassed, and quickly vow never to bring him to the theater again. We start to head out once the show is over.)

Patron: *spots my son* “Hey, is that the kid who…?”

Me: “Yes. I’m so sorry!”

Patron: “Naw, it was hilarious!” *crouches down to the kid’s level* “Give me five, little buddy! That was awesome!”

(Several others overheard, and also hastened to reassure us that they found it humorous. In fact, we didn’t receive a single negative reaction. Not even so much as a glare. Still, not planning to bring the kid to the theater again any time soon. But thank you, theater patrons, for having a heart!)

This story is included in our Princess Bride roundup!

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(This comment is left on a satisfaction survey a customer filled out online, which gets posted in the break room.)

Customer Comment: “I came in the other day during your summer sale and you guys were super busy. There were employees on the sales floor, but they were too preoccupied helping other customers, so I was never able to get any help. When I was ready to check out, all of the registers were open and the cashiers seemed to be going fast, but the line was way too long, so I just put all my things on hold and left. I don’t think I’ll come back for them, though. I think you guys are doing something wrong. Maybe hire some more people and have your employees stay later after closing, so the store isn’t such a mess when you’re busy like that and customers are leaving their crap everywhere.”

(The survey also stated that this customer came in five hours after we opened for the day, on one of our busiest days of the summer. I don’t think they’ve ever worked a day of retail in their life!)