Food Fraud

, , , , , | Right | September 17, 2018

Me: “Would you like to make a donation of a food item to help a local food bank?”

Customer: “I would if it actually went to them, but I honestly don’t trust you.”

Me: *long pause* “All right, your total is $8.47.”

Unfiltered Story #120917

, , | Unfiltered | September 12, 2018

(Our store offers daily deals, a special price on a specific product each day for that day only. This particular day it is one dozen glazed donuts with clear signage in several locations around the donuts and store.)

Customer: “I have a dozen donuts.”

Me: “Certainly, it will be [price].”

Customer: “But they’re on special today.”

Me: “Oh, they’re all glazed donuts?”

Customer: “No, I picked out an assortment. A dozen donuts are on special today for [price].”

Me: “I’m sorry but only the glazed donuts are on special today.”

Customer: “A lady by the donuts told me it was all of them.”

Me: “One of the bakery staff? Do you know who it was?”

Customer: “No, it was just a lady by the donuts and she said all of them were on special.”

(I call up the bakery and inquire if any of the staff spoke to her about donuts and none of them had.)

Me: “I’m afraid if it was a customer and not anyone on our payroll I can’t give these to you for the special price. Customers aren’t the definitive source for our sales and pricing.”

(Another customer has gotten in line behind her and is listening with amusement.)

Customer #2: “Yeah, I could tell you those are 99¢. Can I get mine for that, too?”

(I give him a relieved smile a little laugh.)

Me: “I’ll take six at that price.”

Customer #1: I’m visiting from *state*. That lady who told me should know what the deals are better than me.

Customer #2: Oh, what part? I’m from *city in same state*.

The first customer gave up and let the subject change, quickly paid her bill and left.

Trying To (Car) Wash Their Hands Of Grandma

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2018

A brand new car wash opened and promised free car washes for anyone in line on the first day. My grandmother was the very first person in line. When she went in, she managed to put her car in gear. It jumped the track and she stomped on the gas instead of the brake. As a result the car rammed into the equipment and seriously damaged it.

The car wash had to close down for almost a month for repairs. When it finally opened again, my grandmother went back and asked them when she would get her free car wash. The response she received was a little less than positive.

The Husband Finally Shows Some Teeth

, , , , | Romantic | September 3, 2018

(I am at a surprise party that one of my friends has thrown for his wife. After the surprise, she goes back inside to change into some more comfortable clothes: a tee shirt and some velvet shorts with owls on them.)

Her Friend: “Oh, those are cute shorts!” *laughs*

Wife: “My husband actually wears them sometimes, too!”

Her Friend: “How does he pull that off?!”

Husband: “With my teeth!”

Lions And Water And Buffalo, Oh My!

, , , , | Right | September 2, 2018

(I have just returned from a year teaching at a school in Africa. I am about to move cross-country, but I am working at my old job for a few weeks before the move. For some reason, when my name tag printed, it added, “New to the family,” underneath my name. This has led to a few questions, but this conversation tops them all. It will be important to note that the woman in question is British.)

Woman: “Your tag says, ‘New to the family.’ How long have you been here?”

Me: “Well, I worked here for a year, but then I got a chance to teach in Africa for a year, so now I’m back for a bit.”

Woman: “Oh, Africa! Cool! Was it annoying to not have running water?”

Me: *not realizing exactly where this is going at first* “Well, we had running water most of the time. But it would go out about once a week, and that was pretty annoying.”

Woman: “I see. What about lions? Was it scary to have them walking down the street all the time?”

Me: *finally realizing what she’s thinking* “Well, even in the villages, lions tend to be smart enough to stay away from the villages of people who team up with weapons. But I was in the city, so we really didn’t have to worry about that.”

Woman: “Oh, let me enjoy my fantasy. You know, when I moved to America, I went to Montana first, because I wanted to pet some of the buffalo roaming down the street.”

Me: *somewhat startled* “Ma’am, petting a wild buffalo is about as dangerous as petting a wild lion!”

Woman: “Oh, whatever. I was so disappointed to realize that buffalo don’t just roam around in Montana. Just let me enjoy my fantasy about the lions in Africa!”

(“There are none so blind as those who will not see,” I suppose. After I got over being so startled, it was pretty funny. But it took me a bit to stop shaking my head at her wilful ignorance.)

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