Fountains Of Tears

, , , , , | Friendly | December 1, 2017

(I work forty hours a week at my regular job, but I decide to spend weekends as a volunteer host at a historic building for two years. This building has a lot of great features, but our rooftop gardens are the most popular. Since it’s a secure building, you have to be accompanied to the roof by a host with security access. I’m giving a tour to a couple, a dad, and the dad’s three sons. The youngest one is about 11 and is fascinated with the fountains. I don’t mind too much, since he isn’t doing any damage.)

Kid: “Guys! This one has money in it!”

Me: “We encourage coins in the fountain, and we donate every cent to [Hospital].”

Kid: *reaching into the water* “I’m going to get it!”

Me: “I wouldn’t. Everything in that fountain will be given to charity, including kids.”

(The dad and brothers crack up and the kid snatches his hand back.)

Me: “That’s right. Fall in the fountain, and I’ll send you to the hospital.” *beat* “I really didn’t mean that as a threat.”

A Successful Store Drives In Traffic

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(I am working the late shift at the store, my manager is in the office, and there are no customers in the store. The automatic doors open. I look over and A CAR has driven up on the sidewalk far enough for the doors to open, so I walk outside where the customer has backed his car up. They see me and roll down the window.)

Customer: “Are you guys open?”

Me: *staring wide eyed at the customer* “Yes, and what were you doing?”

Customer: “Oh, I was just trying to read the store hours.”

(Our store hours are not posted on the windows; they are on big letters below our store name!)

Me: “Well, next time, get out of your car and walk up here, instead of scaring people half to death!”

H2… Oh

, , , , , | Right | November 27, 2017

(While most restaurants only offer Coke or Pepsi products, this one has both.)

Customer: “What sodas do you have?”

Me: “We have Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, Fanta, Sprite, Root Beer, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Max, Mountain Dew, Diet Mountain Dew, and Dr. Pepper.”

Customer: *with a disappointed look on her face* “I’ll just have water.”

(What could she possibly have wanted that we didn’t have?)

The Booking System Is In Flight Mode

, , , , , | Working | November 27, 2017

(I am at the gate, ready to board the plane. I hand my ticket to the flight attendant.)

Flight Attendant: “You are already on the plane.”

Me: *standing in front of her outside the plane, at the gate* “Umm, no?”

Flight Attendant: “Someone with your name is already in your seat.”

Me: “Obviously, she is not me.”

(There were two women with the same first name, last name, and middle initial on the flight. Apparently, their computers couldn’t handle that. We even had the same seats on our tickets, but with different confirmation codes. They ended up putting me in an empty seat.)

Calibrations Always Go Up And Down

, , | Healthy | November 27, 2017

(It’s the night shift in the hospital lab. I’m the scientist doing the nightly calibrating of our analyzers’ drug screen when the ER requests a drug screen, which I can’t run until I finish my calibrations; once I start, I can’t stop. We tell them it will be done as soon as possible, and we’ll rush the sample, which they’re okay with. Meanwhile, some plumbers are working on one of our sinks. The lead scientist comes to my bench to check on my progress and get a better ETA to tell the doctors.)

Lead Scientist: “How’s it coming over here?”

Me: “I’m almost ready. I just need to do cocaine and marijuana.”

Lead Scientist: *without missing a beat* “[My Name], you know better than to mix uppers and downers.”

(The plumbers all went silent and turned to look at us. I hope they didn’t think we were actually doing drugs.)

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