Obtaining Information Is Not Their Calling

, , , , | Working | August 10, 2017

(I get calls like this on my mobile regularly.)

Caller: “Hi, this is [Caller] with [Some Company]. Can I speak to [My Name]?”

Me: “This is she.”

Caller: “Thank you; could I have you verify your mailing address and birthdate?”

Me: “Nope.”

Caller: “Well, I won’t be able to proceed with the call unless you give it to me.”

Me: “I won’t give that information over the phone to someone who called me.”

Caller: “I already have your information; I just need you to verify it.”

Me: “You can tell me what you have and I’ll verify it, but I won’t give it to you over the phone since you called me.”

Caller: “Well then, I won’t be able to proceed with the call at this time. We’ll call again later.”

Me: “I still won’t give you that information later.”

Caller: “We’ll call later. Bye.”

Earning That Smile

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2017

(I’m giving out sample cups of French onion dip and carrots in a grocery store. I’m mixing more dip in a bowl on my table when I hear a woman’s voice say “You aren’t smiling enough!” and she flicks the brim of my hat.)

Me: *unsure I heard her correctly* “What?”

Cranky Lady: “I said you don’t smile enough.” *grabs and yanks my hat down over my face* “Are you gonna smile now?”

Me: *I adjust my hat and say in a cheery tone* “Smiles are for people who take samples.” *attempts to give her one*

Cranky Lady: “I don’t want any of that bull-s***.” *walks away*

Me: “…”

Upstairs Fun Beats Downstairs Fun

, , , , | Related | August 4, 2017

(My husband and I are babysitting his younger siblings who are six and eight, as their parents went out of town. After a long day of hearing the two screaming over who killed who in a game, my husband and I want to go upstairs and hide for some peace and quiet for a few minutes.)

Husband: “Hey, so, [My Name] and I need to go upstairs and do something for a few minutes. Don’t kill each other.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “Yeah, you’re probably going upstairs to go make out.”

Husband: *taken aback* “No, we’re not…”

Six-Year-Old Sister: “Don’t go! You’ll miss all the fun!”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “No they won’t. They have their own fun in mind.”

It’s Time To (Road)Kill This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | July 23, 2017

(My ex is not known to be the sharpest tool in the shed. He once hit an elk because he thought it was a good idea to drive 75 mph to get away from the herd faster. This one evening, I finally figure out how he manages to hit so many animals:)

Me: *seeing a deer standing in the road ahead and realizing ex is not slowing down* “[Ex], there’s a deer in the road.”

Ex: “I’m going the speed limit!”

Me: “But the deer isn’t!”

Ex: “Well, what do you expect me to do? Stop?”

Me: “Yes, stopping would be preferable to hitting a deer!”

Ex: *stopping the car and pouting* “It’s illegal to stop in the road.”

Me: *mental facepalm* “I think it’s allowed when avoiding a collision with a large animal.”

(How I stuck with him for five years, I’ll never know.)

Should Have Bread-Stuck To The Order

, , , , , | Working | July 2, 2017

(A coworker and I order pizza from a local pizza chain. When the order shows up, it’s missing part of it.)

Me: “Do you have the parmesan bread sticks? I don’t see it with our order.”

Driver: “You must not have ordered it.”

Me: “But I see it here on my receipt? Are you sure you don’t have it?”

Driver: “Oh! I accidentally delivered that to my last customer. I’m sorry about that. I’ll go get it.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

(Before we can stop him, he leaves the building.)

Me: *to Coworker* “I am so not taking it when he gets back. Did he really just go to his last customer to pick up our bread?”

(Ten minutes go by and he comes back holding the package of bread sticks.)

Driver: “Here you are! I got them back for you.”

Me: “Um. I’m not taking those.”

Driver: “What? You’re not? But I just got them back for you.”

Me: “I’m not taking those.”

(The driver got really flustered and called his manager. We could hear her reaction from several feet away.)

Driver: “So I accidentally gave part of their order to someone else and now they won’t take it after I got it back.”

Manager: “You did what?! You actually went back and got it from the previous customer?! You never do that! Ever!”

Driver: “But they wanted their bread sticks!”

Manager: “That is not okay! Put me on the phone with the customer.”

Me: “Hello?”

Manager: “I am so sorry. That should have never happened.”

(She ended up offering to redo our entire order or giving us a code worth about as much in free product for next time. We never saw that driver again.)

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