Balls To Walls Humor

, , , , , | Learning | December 25, 2017

Because I grew up in a small town, our town’s library was located inside the high school for several years. This meant that not only did the library carry children’s and more casual-reading books alongside school curriculum and teen/YA books, but that the computer lab was open to the general public as well as students. Unfortunately, this also meant that teen pranks in the library affected the entire community, not just the school.

At one point during my senior year, just before the library finally got funding to build its own building, it was discovered that some joker was stealing the rubber tracking balls out of the computer mice. (This was back in the day before laser computer mice were a thing.) Because this rendered a computer mouse unusable, the principal, a man with no liking for teenagers and no sense of humor whatsoever, decided to take action.

During morning announcements, after the usual announcements of upcoming events and such, the principal took the microphone and said, in completely serious voice:

“Someone is stealing mouse balls in the library. The theft of the mouse balls is a serious matter, and will NOT be tolerated. If anyone has any information on who’s stealing the mouse balls, please report it right away. And to the rest of the student body, the mouse balls are to be LEFT ALONE…”

And that’s how the entire student body ended up on the floor, nearly peeing themselves with laughter, during morning announcements. “Mouse balls” became a running gag for the rest of the school year, even working its way into the valedictorian’s speech at graduation.

The mouse ball thief was never caught.

It’s The Holidays, In Your Neighborhood…

, , , , | Working | December 25, 2017

(For the holidays this year, my workplace has set up a schedule where a different third of the shop will each be off work the week before Christmas, the week between Christmas and New Year’s, and the week after New Year’s.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], which week are you off?”

Coworker: “First one, why?”

Me: “Just wondering.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: *joking* “Just wondering if I had to look at your face next week.”

Coworker: “See, the first time I misheard what you said as “Ghostbusters”, so I think I’m going to go with that instead.”

That Joke Fell B-Flat

, , , , , | Learning | December 25, 2017

(I’m currently taking a general physics course. We have begun learning about sound and we reach the end of class.)

Professor: “Any more questions? No? Okay, then let’s end the class on a high note.”

(We all groan.)

Me: “Boo!”

Classmate: “Seriously, Professor?”

Professor: “No good, huh? I guess I’ll just have to change my pitch.”

(Cue more groaning. I like my professor, but there is NEVER a good excuse for puns.)

The Need To Drone On About It

, , , , | Working | December 25, 2017

(For Christmas, I get a drone. I plug the battery in to charge, but when I put it into the drone after charging, a couple sparks and some smoke come out. My dad decides to take it back to the store it came from. While the battery is charging, we put the landing gear on but can’t get it off, so we just make holes in the packaging for them to go in when we take it back.)

Employee #1: “Okay, a replacement should arrive in two-four days. We’ll call you when it arrives.”

(Four days go by. No call. Another three days, and there’s still no call, so my dad decides to call the store himself to see if they got it.)

Answering Machine: *ring* *ring* *hangs up*

(He calls again.)

Answering Machine: “What department would you like to be transferred to?”

Dad: “Electronics.”

Answering Machine: “One moment…”

(Five minutes later.)

Answering Machine: *hangs up*

(Another call.)

Answering Machine: “What department would you like to be transferred to?”

Dad: “Electronics.”

(Ten minutes later.)

Answering Machine: *hangs up*

(This time he decides to go to the store to see if they have it yet.)

Employee #2: “How can I help you?”

Dad: “I returned a drone the other day, and guys said you would call me when you got another one, but it’s been a week since then. Do you think you could check to see if you got one?”

Employee #2: “Sure.” *takes receipt then disappears into the back*

(Ten minutes later, my dad goes into the back to see what’s going. He sees the employee just standing there.)

Dad: “Get me your manager.”

Employee #2: “Okay, follow me.”

(He then takes my dad to the manager’s office.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Dad: *explains the situation to her* “…and then your employee is just standing back there!”

Manager: “Okay, let me see if I can find it.”

(The manager then proceeds to spend five minutes on her computer to come up with this conclusion:)

Manager: “Well, that’s weird. It’s saying that we do and don’t have it. I’ll see if I can find it.”

(She and the employee then leave. Ten minutes later…)

Manager: “Alright, here’s you new drone!”

(My dad goes out to the car with the drone. But as he’s putting it in the trunk he notices that it’s already open. When he takes it out he discovers that the landing gear was already attached to the drone, with holes in the packaging for them to go into. He realizes that this was the broken drone that we turned in, so he goes back into the store, and straight to the manager’s office. When he gets there, it’s a different woman than before.)

Dad: “I just got a replacement drone for a broken one I received, but it was the same drone!”

Employee #3: “We’ll, that’s not my problem. I work in clothing.” *walks out*

(My dad tries to go find the manager again, but instead finds the first employee.)

Employee #1: “Hey, did you get the replacement drone?”

Dad: “No, they gave me the broken one I brought here.”

Employee #1: “Well, here… give me your receipt.”

(He then scans the code on the receipt, goes into the back and comes out with a brand new drone. And how long did this employee take? Only about thirty seconds.)

Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 25, 2017

(For as long as I can remember, I have loved a specific Christmas song. One day I’m telling my husband about it.)

Me: “I know it’s weird, but it’s like the holiday season doesn’t really begin until I hear ‘Snoopy’s Christmas.’ I don’t know why. It just isn’t Christmas until someone plays it.”

(The conversation meanders and I don’t think much more about it. About a week later, he gets a package, which he opens to reveal a set of CDs. It’s all the songs by a group called the Royal Guardsmen.)

Me: “What’s this? Who are these guys?”

Husband: “They’re the ones who sing that song.”

(He shows me one of the CDs. Sure enough, there’s “Snoopy’s Christmas” on the list. I’d never known who actually sang the song and, for whatever reason, never investigated the matter. I look to my husband for an explanation.)

Husband: “Now, it can be Christmas whenever you want!”

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