Unable To C Your Point

, , , , , | Right | October 11, 2017

(I drive the shuttle-bus in between the terminals at the DFW airport.)

Me: *to the passenger standing at the stop* “Good day, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “Did you say terminal C?”

Me: “No, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “So, you are not going to terminal C.”

Me: “No, but if you wait a few minutes, there will be another shuttle that will bring you there.”

Passenger: “Okay, so, where do you go?”

Me: “B and D, B and D. I am going to B and D.”

Passenger: “And not to C, right?”

Me: *trying to stay calm* “Nope, sorry.”

Passenger: “But you will go to C eventually, or not?”

Me: “You are one stop away from terminal C. If you come with me, it will take almost half an hour before we get there. The bus you need will be here in a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: *thinking* “Oh, okay, thanks. So, you are sure you are not going to C after this stop?”

(I closed the door and rapidly drove away.)

How To Monday On A Saturday

, , , , , , | Working | October 11, 2017

(My former boss is an incredibly high-strung jerk without any kind of time management or people skills. I receive these shrieking voicemails on my personal cell phone one day when she’s on vacation. The first voicemail:)

Boss: “I have been trying to reach you and [Colleague #1] and [Colleague #2] at the office for an hour this morning. How dare you slack off like this?! We have deadlines! Just because I’m away does not mean you get to waltz into work whenever you feel like it! There are important cases that need to be done by the time I get back! If someone doesn’t call me back in the next ten minutes, you are all fired; do you understand me?! Your a** is out on the street, and I will make sure no one hires you! I will have you and [Colleague #1] disciplined by the [Licensing Authority]! YOU WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN!

(Her screams toward the end escalate in volume and shrillness to the point where I can’t keep the phone against my ear. Then, I listen to the second voicemail.)

Boss: “Um, someone here pointed out that it is Saturday. Please ignore the last voicemail. But I expect you to call me as soon as you get in on Monday! We have important deadlines to make, and I’m extending my vacation, so I need you and [Colleagues #1 and #2] to be on the ball!”

(And she wondered why she couldn’t keep even incompetent employees, and why she didn’t have a better reputation in the field.)

It Is Possible To Not Like Sports

, , , , , | Working | October 11, 2017

(I am checking out at a grocery store the morning of a big football game.)

Cashier: “You’re not wearing your [Team] gear!”

Me: “Well, I’d have to own some. And care.”

Cashier: *shock*

A Weak Week Off

, , , , | Working | October 11, 2017

(I’m a paralegal working in the legal department of a company. Between company holidays, the weekend, and paid time off, I have six days off in a row. Before leaving on the last day before almost a week off, I give some important paperwork that needs to be notarized to my coworker, with instructions as to who will be in to sign it and where it needs to be signed. She and I are the only notaries in the company. I also have a habit of answering urgent messages on my days off, something that I’m constantly urged not to do by coworkers. The next morning, I get a phone call from our supervisor, who is a lawyer.)

Supervisor: “Hey, [My Name]. [Person who needs to sign the documents] is here and says that you have some forms for him to sign. Where are they?”

Me: “I gave them to [Coworker] before I left yesterday. She should have them and can notarize them.”

Supervisor: “I haven’t seen [Coworker] at all today. Do you know where she would have put them?”

Me: “I really have no idea. She assured me that she would be in today to take care of them, and I don’t know what she did with them.”

Supervisor: “Oh, okay. Well, [Person who needs to sign] is here right now and can’t stay for long. I’ll print off a new copy and just have him sign the document. You can notarize it next week when you get in the office.”

Me: “Uh, no. I can’t. It’s illegal for me to notarize something I didn’t see signed. I’ll be in the office next week, and while the document is important, it can definitely wait until then, because it’s not due for a few weeks.”

Supervisor: “Well, [Person who needs to sign] is here right now. Can you come in to notarize this?”

Me: *in my pajamas and watching movies with my son* “I really think this can wait until next week.”

Supervisor: “Yeah, but he’s here right now and we might as well just get it done. Can you come in to take care of it?”

Me: “Sure. Can you give me half an hour?”

Supervisor: “I can give you 20 minutes. He has to be somewhere soon.”

(I live about 15 minutes from the office.)

Me: “Um. Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”

(I got dressed with record speed and somehow made it to the office right on time. After taking care of the paperwork, we found out that my coworker had come into the office bright and early that morning, super sick with the flu. One of the executives saw her, took one look at how sick she was, and told her to go home, promising to inform our supervisor what happened. He then waited to tell my supervisor until he overheard us worriedly discussing what could have happened to her, which was half an hour after I got to the office. They let me cancel my PTO for the day and count it as a day worked, especially once my supervisor found out that I had been casually answering emails before he called anyway.)

The Badly Behaving One? It Is Definitely Not You

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 11, 2017

(I share a name with a few other girls in my grade.)

Girl #1: “Hey, [My Name]!”

Me and Girl #2: “Yeah?”

Girl #1: *staring me directly in the eyes* “It’s not you, you f****** attention w****. Why do you think it would ever be you? It’s always you! Just this once, it’s not you, and you can’t f****** deal with that, can you? You little b****, you just do whatever you want to do and grab whatever measly bits of attention you can scrounge up. Well, you know what? I don’t care. I truly don’t. You can go die in a hole, because it will never. Be. You.” *turns to [Girl #2]* “Anyway! [Classmate #1] is apparently dating [Classmate #2] now! Isn’t that fantastic?!”

Girl #2: “What the living f***, [Girl #1]?”

(I more or less walked away with my jaw on the ground. There’s gotta be a nicer way to tell a person you’re not talking to them.)

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