(A customer has just finished placing a rather large and pricey order of several large popcorns loaded with butter, large drinks, and random candies.)

Me: “That’ll come to $55.75, sir.”

Customer: “Oh… I have cancer.”

Me: “Um… I’m sorry.”

Customer: “So, I don’t have to pay, right?”

Me: “No, you still have to pay.”

Customer: “Why? I’m a cancer patient!”

Me: “You’re also trying to walk away with nearly $60 in concession items. I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you because you have cancer.”

Customer: “Oh, come on! What if I told you I had heart disease?”

Me: “I guess I’d have to ask why you’re in such a rush to kill yourself?”

(I’m 19 and a customer in his mid-twenties comes up to me with a six-pack of beer and some beef jerky.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, since I’m underage I can’t sell you this beer. Would you mind waiting for my coworker?”

Customer: “Oh, sure no problem. Can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “You’re of Indian descent, right?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Customer: “But you were born here in America, right?”

Me: “Uh, no actually. I was born in India, but I moved here pretty young.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me, you don’t have an accent! I’ve seen all the movies! Any Indian character who works at a gas station always has an accent!”

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Customer: “Hi, I just bought this machine. I hooked it up as per the manual, and it won’t turn on.”

Me: “Did you plug it in?”

Customer: “Of course. I’m not an idiot.”

Me: “Did you turn off the surge-master?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Double-checked all the wires?”

Customer: “For God’s sake, YES! It was fairly simple; it’s all color-coded. You’d have to be a moron to make a mistake.”

Me: “Okay… why don’t you tell me what you did?”

Customer: “I unpacked it, plugged all the wires in, and then plugged it into my outlet.”

Me: “Then?”

Customer: “Then I put the accelerator on the floor and stepped on it.”

Me: “Ma’am… there is no accelerator on your computer.”

Customer: “Yes, there is! It’s that thing that has two buttons on either side, and that little wheel on the bottom!”

(In case it wasn’t obvious, she had stepped on the mouse.)

Me: “Would you like paper or plastic?”

Customer: “Oh, I’d like one of those nice canvas bags, please.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, one of those reusable canvas bags. Like the ones that she’s got!” *points to the next customer in line*

Me: “Uh, well, we don’t have those here, unfortunately. All we’ve got is paper or plastic. If you want a canvas bag, you’d have to buy one and bring it yourself.”

Customer: “What a load of crap! Why should I want to save the environment if I have to pay to do it?!”

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Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, can you tell me how to get to your store? I’m coming from the north end of the city.”

Me: “Okay, you’ll need to head south on 14th Street–”

Caller: “Whoa whoa whoa… slow down, you’re going too fast.”

Me: “Okay, sorry. You will need to head south–”

Caller: “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice! Now explain it to me like a civil human being, and tell me how to get to your f****** store!”

Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am. If you just head south–”

Caller: “What in God’s name is wrong with you? All I want to do is get to your f****** store so I can get some f****** music! Is that so d*** much to ask for? Look, young lady, I just got out of brain surgery and I can’t deal with your bull-s*** right now. You need to talk slowly to me. Okay, forget it, you’re wasting my time. I’ll find my way there myself! *hangs up*