Me: Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How may I assist you?

Customer: “Yes! Finally! There is something wrong with my cellphone.”

Me: “All right, ma’am. I’ll be more than glad to help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I can’t call out.”

Me: “Ma’am, it appears that everything is working just fine from both ends. What exactly is happening when you try to call out from your phone?”

Customer: “Absolutely nothing! Jesus, are you stupid! I already told you that.”

Me: “Right… let’s try this: turn your phone off and then back on. Maybe you just need to reset it.”

Customer: *resets phone* “Okay, that’s done… and it’s still not working.”

Me: “This is very strange. I can’t imagine why it would not be working. Try this for me, dial a number out and let’s see if you get an error message now that the phone has been reset.”

Customer: “You stupid little b****! THERE IS NO F***ING DIAL TONE!”

Me: “Erm, excuse me?”

Customer: “How can I dial a number if I don’t have a dial tone?”

Me: “Ma’am, the phone you’re using is wireless. It’s not going to have a dial tone.”

Customer: “You really think I’m that stupid? My last cell phone had a dial tone!”

Me: “I assure you, it did not.”

Customer: “Listen to me, I have been around a lot longer than you. I think I know how to work a g**d*** phone! Who the h*** do you think you are?!”

Me: “Humor me, please! Just dial a number, any number, and see what happens when you hit send.”

Customer: “Whatever!” *presses buttons on phone*

(She has the phone on speaker, and I can obviously hear that the call has gone through.)

Customer: “Well… I… the last… F*** YOU!” *click

Customer: “What do you have to eat here?”

Me: “Whatever you see in the pastry case is to eat; we mainly serve drinks.”

Customer: “What’s that up there? ”

(He points to one of the boards behind me and I turn around to see what he’s pointing at. I hear a rustling noise; when I turn back around all the money in my tip cup is gone.)

Me: “Sir? Could you do me a favor?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Look up.”

Customer: *looks up*

Me: “Okay, wave!”

(I start waving at him and, completely confused, he starts to wave back.)

Me: “Sir, that’s a camera up there.”

Customer: “Uh… and?”

Me: “You better put the money back.”

Customer: “What money?”

Me: “You know very well ‘what money.’ Now, put it back and leave.”

(He put the money back and pouted the entire way out the doors.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Lady: “I’d like a half-pound of ham.”

(I slice the ham, wrap it, and hand it over.)

Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

(She opens up the package, sniffs the ham, and makes a face).

Me: “Is there something wrong with the ham?”

Lady: “Yes. It smells very hammy.”

Me: “Am I to understand that you’re complaining that our ham smells like ham?”

Lady: *walks away in a huff*

This story is part of the Peculiar Customers roundup!

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Me: “Welcome to [Bank]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to check my balance on my account.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Can I get your customer number?”

Customer: *gives number*

Me: “Okay, sir. You have a balance of $513.26, and we need to get $360.00 of this paid off immediately to avoid referral to debt collection.”

Customer: “Screw you. I’m no over-stayer. Unlock my d*** account!”

Me: “Sir, we can’t unlock the account until we’ve received some form of payment.”

Customer: “F*** you, man. I’m going to call your head office and have you deported.”

Me: “Um, I was born in this country, so I can’t really be deported to another country. This still won’t get your account unlocked. If you can pay–”

Customer: “Get the f***ing account turned on or I’m coming around there, and I’m going to eat you!”

Me: “Eat… me?”

Customer: “D*** right! I’m going to have you eaten and deported. We’re going to claim back our land and eat all you b**tards, then have you kicked out of the country!”

Me: “Please pay your bill. I’m terminating this call.” *click*

(I work for an Internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. What can I do to assist you today?”

Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

Me: “Well, sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

(There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@***.com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

(At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get ten of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir…”