Customer: “I need to return these bladder control pads. They won’t work for me.”
Me: “Sorry, you can no longer return anything of that nature to this store.”
Customer: “Why?!”
Me: “Not only has it been opened, but you used a pad and put it back in the package.”
Customer: “I didn’t use it! I only tried it on!”
(I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)
Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”
Male Caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”
Me: “All right, what would you like to know?”
Male Caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with eight women for six hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”
Me: “Would I… What?”
Male Caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”
Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”
Male Caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”
Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”
Male Caller: “Would you?”
Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”
Male Caller: *click*
Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”
Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”
Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”
Customer: “Well, this is bull-s***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”
Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”
Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”
Me: “Again, I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”
Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”
Me: “…all right, then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a [Empresa] que tenga un buen dia.” *click*
Me: “Thank you for calling [office]; how can I help you?”
Caller: “I need a driver’s license.”
Me: “Okay. You can come to our office; as it is Saturday, we are open until 12:30 pm.”
Caller: “I can’t make it in time; can you fax me one?”
Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s a plastic card, and it can not be faxed or emailed. We also have to take your photo, so this can be done only in person.”
Caller: “It was my birthday yesterday, so my license is expired. Can’t you do it over the phone?”
Me: “Sorry, sir, I can not send you a plastic license over the phone.”
Caller: “F*** you!”
Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t do that over the phone, either.”
This story is part of the DMV roundup!
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(Four elderly men enter the store. They are all at least 70, balding, and at least one has a cane.)
Manager: “Hi, what can I get for you?”
Elderly Man #1: “Are those bagels hot, young lady?”
Manager: “They’re pretty hot. They’ve been out about ten minutes.”
Elderly Man #2: “But are they as hot as us?”
