Regular: “Hey, I have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what can I help you with.”

Regular: “Do y’all have homeless people come in here often?”

(Indicates couple reading newspaper in the corner. I can’t see their faces.)

Me: “Umm, no. Why?”

Regular: “Oh, they just came in sat down like they wanted no one to see them and took your newspaper.”

Me: “Well I can’t ask them to leave unless they are bothering you. Do you want me to ask them for the newspaper? I can since they aren’t paying cust–”

Regular: “Oh no, I was just wondering if homeless people came in here often.”

(I look back to the corner again and I can see their faces now.)

Me: “Um, sir, those are my parents.”

(He did not come back for about six months.)

(I am working in the pet department, refilling betta containers, dressed in company attire and name tag clearly displayed.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I do. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I was standing here for ten minutes, waiting for someone to help me.”

Me: “Oh, well, I have been here for the last twenty minutes.”

Customer: “Could you help me find this [Competitor’s Brand] cat food?”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, we do not sell that brand here.”

Customer: “DO NOT TELL ME THAT! I WAS JUST HERE LAST WEEK AND BOUGHT IT! I KNOW YOU SELL IT!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t.”

Customer: “FINE! THEN PROVE IT!”

(I turn to the back of the can and read it.)

Me: “‘Marketed and sold by [Competitor].’ Anything else I can help you with?”

(The customer turned and walked away. I just smiled.)

This story is part of the Very Wrong Customers roundup!

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(This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “It’s black.”

Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

Me: “Is… is there a message of any kind?”

Customer: “Yeah, it says ‘searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

Me: “Well, sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”

Me: “…”

(A lady walks into the cafe. I just happen to be standing by the counter with my coworker.)

Woman: “I’ll have *order* please”

Coworker: “Okay, that’s $1.47.”

(I make the coffee.)

Woman: *leans in and whispers to me* “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “What exactly is an ‘Emo’?”

Woman: “My screw fell out of my glasses. Can you replace it?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

(I go in the back, replace the woman’s screw, and bring it back.)

Woman: “This is all wrong.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “This screw is silver. My screw was gold!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only screws I have are silver.”

Woman: “But my screw was gold. This thing is cheap.”

Me: “To be fair, your screw wasn’t gold. It just had gold paint on it just like your frames.”

Woman: “How do you know?”

Me: “Well, I looked at the other screw.”

Woman: “I thought this frame was solid gold.”

Me: “I’m afraid not. This is a $120 frame. It’s not going to be made of gold with gold screws for $120.”

Woman: “Can you give me a gold-painted screw?”

Me: “I only have silver, ma’am.”

Woman: “Well, I don’t want it.”

Me: “Would you like me to take it out and give you back your broken glasses?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Then I suggest you take this screw.”

Woman: “I don’t want it!”

Me: “Then I’ll take it out for you.”

Woman: “No! I need them to see.”

(I hand her back her frame, still fully repaired.)

Woman: “I DON’T WANT THAT SCREW!”

Me: “Well, if you find the screw that fell out, I will be happy to put it back in for you.”

Woman: “I’ll never find it. It fell out a week ago!”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

This story is part of the World Sight Day roundup!

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