(Note: I help callers with connection problems with our wireless zones along train lines.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

Caller: “I’m traveling in between [City] and [Other City].”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait twenty minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

Caller: “What can I do?”

Me: “Just wait until the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, it’s four am, so I’m the only one working.”

(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the Internet?”

Me: “If you just wait ten minutes sir, your Internet will work again.”

Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no Internet?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have Internet?”

Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “Um… Well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA, and they’re very busy these days.”

Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

Me: “About ten minutes.”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

Customer: “Why do I see another charge on my card from you?”

Me: “Well, according to your account, you were automatically renewed about a month ago.”

Customer: “That’s an outrage! Can I have a refund?”

Me: “We do let you know that we renew on our upgrade page, and we sent you a renewal notice two weeks before you were charged. Since you’ve used our services since, I can’t give you a refund.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy. This is such a scam. How dare you! What are you going to do to make me happy?”

Me: “I can give you a pro-rated refund.”

Customer: “Fine. But make a note that I don’t like it. These automatic renewals are such a scam!”

Me: “I can assure you it’s not a scam, though. Most Internet companies use renewals, too.”

Customer: “I know how it works! I’m in marketing. I set these up in my company!”

(Our store phrase is “filled with love” and is printed on all of our products.)

Customer: “So, if I bite into this… will love pour out?”

Me: “No, it’s solid love.”

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Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A pack of cigarettes.”

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

(He hands over an ID of an obvious relative, but not him. The ID says he’s 6’1” and 238 lbs, but this kid is maybe 5’7” and 180 lbs.)

Me: “This is you?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(I proceed to quiz him on everything on the ID and he gets it all right, without hesitation.)

Customer: “Um, I’ve been sick.”

Me: “So you lost some height, then?”

Customer: “I need you to send me a return label for this lamp. I just opened it and I don’t like it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not pay for return shipping, ma’am, but you are more than welcome to send it back to us.”

Customer: “Well, that is just unethical. I know you’ve sent me a return label before.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it is our company policy that we do not pay for return shipping unless an item is damaged or defective.”

Customer: “Well, it can be!”