Alligator Caught You Later

, , , , , , | Learning | January 1, 2018

(My neurobiology class is going over autonomic nervous system regulation. It’s late in the day, and everyone’s starting to drift a little bit as the professor explains the different homeostatic mechanisms and reflexes.)

Professor: “…and then we have the baroreflex, which is when an alligator clamps its prey in its jaws and does a barrel roll, and it turns out humans are wired for this, too!”

(He looks around at the class, which is now wide awake, and grins.)

Professor: “…which is totally not true at all. But now that I have your full attention…”

(I’ve taken three classes with him, and I’ll take as many more as he teaches. Gotta love a professor with a sense of humor!)

Isn’t Really Selling Their Innocence

, , , , , , | Working | January 1, 2018

(I’ve been searching for a job for a while and have gotten hired at a place that does at-home presentations. It’s my first day, and I’m paired with one of the senior trainers who’s been told to take me around his assigned territory.)

Trainer: “So, just to let you know, I got a DUI last week, so forgive me that I have to do the stupid breathalyzer thing every time I start my car up.”

(We get into his car, which is overloaded with trash, and the trainer grumbles about how it wasn’t his fault, his friend spiked his drinks, the police were bullying him, and so on, as he blows into the ignition interlock that’s been fitted. I try to ignore this, telling myself I need this job, I’m a good salesman, and once I get the gist of this I can drive my own car from place to place. For most of the day, the trainer just runs me through the gauntlet of what to say for each presentation, how we receive calls from potential customers, the sheets we have to fill out for each house we visit, etc. Every so often he brings up again how he’s not to blame for the DUI, and curses the police whenever he has to blow into the ignition interlock; however, things don’t go south until later in the afternoon, when the trainer suddenly stops in the middle of telling me something and looks at his rear-view mirror.)

Trainer: “D*** it! No, please, not now!”

(I look behind us and notice a cop car with their lights flashing. The trainer keeps cursing as he pulls over and turns to me.)

Trainer: “Okay, look. I need you to do me a favor. Tell the officer this is your car and you’re just letting me drive it!”

Me: “What?”

Trainer: “I have expired license plates! I can’t let that be added to my record, too!”

Me: “Wait, what about your registration?”

Trainer: “It’s expired, too! So is my license! Look, just tell this guy it’s your car! I’m begging you!”

Me: “I can’t do that!”

Trainer: “You don’t understand! I can’t go back to jail again!”

(The cop knocks on the window.)

Trainer: “Remember, this is your car!”

(He rolls the window down and repeats the same thing he just told me. The cop looks at me questioningly.)

Me: “This isn’t my car.”

(The trainer ended up being arrested on the spot, because his expired license meant he shouldn’t have been on the road at all. The cop let me go after confirming my identity and my statement that I did not own the car, and I ended up having to catch the bus back to the office, since I’d left my own vehicle there. I quit that job shortly after.)

Their Golden Years Are Going Swimmingly

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 1, 2018

(I’m volunteering at a clinic, currently working in administration. I handle calls and schedule appointments. It has been raining throughout the whole month, so there are puddles outside. An elderly couple around their 70s come out from their appointment.)

Husband: *to his wife* “Let me move the car so you won’t walk in a puddle.”

Wife: “No, it’s all right. Just unlock the door.”

Husband: “Fine. If you fall, it’s not my fault.”

Wife: “Don’t worry; I can swim.” *walks out the door*

That’s Now You Start A New Year!

, , , , , | Working | January 1, 2018

(This was about ten years ago on New Year’s Day. It was my then-boyfriend’s birthday and I was out with his family for dinner at a well-known Chicago-style pizza place. We had ordered three pizzas and were waiting for our food talking when our waitress came walking towards our table with a tray of food. The waitress tripped and dropped the whole tray of food on the table next to ours.)

Waitress: “F***.” *leaves the food and tray where it is and storms out*

Boyfriend’s Mom: “Was that our food?”

Me: “Do you think she’s coming back?”

(After a few minutes, another man comes out.)

Manager #1: “Hi folks, I’m sorry to tell you that was your food. I’m the manager; your waitress has walked out. If you would tell me what you ordered, I’ll re-order it for you. It’ll be on us.”

(We reorder all our food and a few salads in the meantime. We are waiting and talking for about five minutes when another employee comes up to us.)

Manager #2: “Good evening folks. I’m so sorry about this. I’m the assistant manager. What was your order? I’ll go check on it.”

(We repeat everything we had just told the first manager including the two salads that we’d recently ordered. We continue to talk for about ten minutes when a new waiter comes out with four salads.)

New Waiter: “Hello, I will be your waiter. Here are your salads. What pizzas did you order?”

Boyfriend’s Dad: “We only ordered two salads.” *he then repeats our pizza order*

New Waiter: “Oh, keep the salads. I will check on your pizza.”

(About twenty minutes later, NINE pizzas came out. They told us to keep them, and it was all on the house!)

Going Absolutely Peanuts For Attention

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 1, 2018

(My friend is severely allergic to peanuts.)

Waitress: “What would you like? Our specials are [list of specials].”

Friend: “I’ll have [meal], please. But does that have peanuts?”

Waitress: “Let me check.”

(She runs to the kitchen to ask someone.)

Other Customer: “Pasta doesn’t have peanuts, idiot.”

Friend: “Actually, some foods have traces of peanuts that you can’t taste. I happen to be allergic, so if I eat it, I could wind up in the ER.”

Other Customer: “That’s made-up!”

Me: “Actually, allergies are real things that really happen. And yeah, they can be life-threatening.”

Other Customer: “No, they are not! Allergies are sneezing. She’s making this up to get attention!”

Me: “Umm…”

Waitress: “No, it’s peanut-free.”

Other Customer: “I told you, you dumb b****! You want attention!”

Me: “Um, you’re the one making a spectacle.”

(The offending customer was removed and my friend got a free meal. Thanks, idiot customer, for the free pasta.)

Page 856/1,504First...854855856857858...Last
« Previous
Next »