Unfiltered Story #97721

, , | Unfiltered | October 16, 2017

My high school was having an anti-violence week, filled with pep rallies, keynote speakers, hallway decorations, after-school events, etc. After one of the pep rallies we returned to English class. My English teacher was an insufferably prideful and arrogant woman who flaunted her anti-male, women-uber-allies third-wave feminism to us almost daily. Boys were torn down for being male, girls were praised and given a pass on everything. She shared a story with us about how violence affected her. She told us about a student she’d had eight or nine years prior, and how this young woman was brilliant and ambitious and kind. Apparently this girl got into the University of Chicago after she graduated and was near the top of her class, getting ready for med school, when she was walking home one night and was mugged, shot, and killed.

Our teacher had tears in her eyes as she told us about this, and I kept thinking about how human this made her seem. This viciously mean teacher with uneven standards across her classroom based on her personal biases was having this moment of real humanity as she told us about how someone she deeply cared about met such a horrific end. After she told us what had happened to this girl, she wrapped up the story as she wiped away a couple tears, “I just wanted to share that, about how I’ve experienced violence in my own life. I just think what happened to her was a terrible waste of brains, and her loss was a blow to the progress of women.”

“Ah,” I thought to myself, “there it is.”

Their Vegetarianism Is Total Turkey

, , , , , , | Working | October 16, 2017

(It’s mid-November, and everyone and their cousin is in the store buying food for their Thanksgiving dinner. I’m manning the register, desperately trying to keep up with endless line of people, when a customer comes up with one of our frozen turkeys in his cart.)

Customer: “Hi, can I ask you a question?”

Me: *glances at the five person line* “Sure.”

Customer “Great. I’m having some friends over for Thanksgiving, and two of them are vegetarian.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your question?”

Customer: *he points to the frozen turkey* “Is turkey vegetarian?”

Me: *blinks a few times* “Well, I imagine it WAS vegetarian, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

(He turns and heads back into the store.)

Customer Behind Him: “Did that—?”

Me: “Yes. Now, how can I help you?”

Wisdom Teeth Do Not Make You Wise

, , , , | Working | October 15, 2017

(I am getting my wisdom teeth taken out, but have elected to have it done with just Novocaine and nitrous oxide, laughing gas, so I am awake during the procedure. This takes place immediately after the oral surgeon has injected Novocaine into the base of one tooth and is about to pull it.)

Oral Surgeon: “Jesus f***, what is this?”

Assistant: “What’s wrong?”

Oral Surgeon: “There aren’t enough teeth!”

Assistant: “What?”

Oral Surgeon: “She’s missing teeth!”

(I was born with two less teeth than normal on my top jaw, which allowed those wisdom teeth to come in just fine.)

Me: “Yup.” *lifts up my hand and taps the area where the teeth would have been* “Missing these. Thought you knew.”

(I probably should have mentioned it at the consultation, but I would have thought that the guy who had my x-rays for a few weeks and looked in my mouth during the consultation would have noticed something that strange! On the plus side, I only had to get the bottom teeth removed!)

Chips Trump Love

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 15, 2017

(My fiancé and I are eating Mexican takeout at home. He holds out his hand, and I take it.)

Fiancé: “No, I wanted chips, not your hand.”

Distraction In Action

, , , , | Right | October 15, 2017

(After a recent switch from full-time to part-time, I have been downsized from a private office to a cubicle that faces the main lobby. I’ve had the same conversation several times a day since the move.)

Client: “Hey, you moved!”

Me: “Yep, I did. Smaller job, smaller space.”

Client: “Oh, that’s too bad. I bet you get a lot more distracted out here.”

Me: “Not really; I’m good at focusing on my work.”

Client: “Oh, but don’t all the people walking by distract you?”

Me: “Only when they ask me if I get distracted a lot.”

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