Customer: “Where is your mad cow cheese?”

Me: “Mad cow cheese, ma’am? Do you mean Laughing Cow cheese?”

Customer: “No! Mad cow cheese! Everyone carries it.”

(At this point, I’m trying really hard not to laugh even though other customers are. I ask her to follow me and I show her the laughing cow cheese.)

Customer: “Yes! Mad cow cheese!” *takes cheese and continues shopping*

(I walk back to the area I work in, where another regular customer is waiting.)

Another Customer: *laughs* “It’s okay, you can laugh now.”

This story is part of the Customers-Who-Can’t-Hear-Themselves roundup!

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(A customer comes in to return a phone she bought in June. Our store has a strict thirty-day return policy on electronics and it is now September. I explain this to the customer and she leaves, only to return a few minutes later.)

Customer: “You said it was thirty days for electronics, but this is a phone.”

Me: “A phone is an electronic device.”

Customer: “Really? I didn’t know that.”

Me: “The policy is actually for all items from the electronics department. Even a TV stand would have a thirty-day return period.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *walks away shaking head* “I didn’t know phones were electronic.”

(I work at an all-you-can-eat buffet. My job is to bring drinks to the table and take away the dirty plates.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]! I’ll go ahead and get your drinks. The buffet is ready when you are.”

Customer #1: “Thanks!”

(I bring their drinks to the table and see that they are still there and have not gotten up to get their plates. I go about my business. About 10 minutes later, I see they are still sitting at their table with no food in front of them.)

Me: “Are you waiting on someone?”

Customer #1: “There you are! We’re starving! I’ll start off with chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes.”

Me: “Okay, well, the buffet is over there and you can help yourself.”

Customer #1: “You mean we have to get it ourselves?”

Customer #2: “Can’t you get our food for us?”

Me: “Are you disabled?”

Customer #1: “No, we’re not.”

Me: “The buffet is self-serve. The plates are up at the buffet.”

(I didn’t get a tip.)

(I work in the fish department of a pet store. A customer walks up to me with a bag of 3 dead goldfish.)

Customer: “I’d like to return these fish.”

Me: “No problem, would you like to replace them?”

Customer: “No! This the third time I’ve bought fish from you people and they keep dying on me! I want my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything set up properly in your tank?”

Customer: “Of course it is! I set it up last week. I have the gravel in there and everything!”

Me: “Do you have a filter running?”

Customer: “No, they’re too expensive.”

Me: “How about an air-stone?”

Customer: “Why would I need an air-stone? Fish breathe underwater.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but they still require oxygen. An air-stone or filter dissolves oxygen in the water so the fish can absorb it through their gills.”

Customer: “What kind of idiot are you? Everyone knows fish don’t need oxygen! That’s why they live in the water!”

(The customer throws the bag of dead fish to the ground and storms off. She’s never come in the store again.)

(My boyfriend and I are at a local video rental store when we overhear a conversation between a couple about what movies to rent.)

Husband: “What about this movie? I heard it was a good movie.” *points to ‘Twilight New Moon’*

Wife: “We’re not renting that.”

Husband: “But we each get to pick one movie.”

Wife: “We’re not renting that! It’s for teenage girls.”

Husband: “We each get a movie. That’s the movie I want.”

Wife: “That movie is for teenage girls. I will not watch that movie! If you rent it, you will be watching it alone. I am not going to watch that!”

Husband: “It’s supposed to be good. I should be able to pick what I want since we each get a movie.”

Wife: “Fine. I’m going to tell everyone you work with that you watch movies for teenage girls!”

(He didn’t get the movie.)