Fun Fact: They Don’t

, , , | Working | June 5, 2017

(I am seeing my doctor again after a trans-abdominal ultrasound where I was given something I had assumed was a painkiller, as I was in pain before the exam. I am an abuse survivor, so gynecological exams are hard for me, but it’s worse when I don’t know what’s happening. I’m in my early 20s.)

Me: “Doctor, do you know what the nurse gave me before my ultrasound? It made me feel like I was spinning, and I saw colors and patterns on the ceiling.”

Doctor: “Let me look in my notes. I’m sorry that it made you hallucinate; we were just trying to make sure that, if the ultrasound had to be transvaginal, you would be calm and not remember it very well. Oh, I see. It was [Drug].”

Me: “Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind next time a nurse tells me that they’re giving me [Drug].”

Doctor: “Anyway, I thought people your age do that sort of thing to themselves for fun.”

(I’m not a doctor, and maybe that’s the professional thing to do, but it sounds eerily similar to date rape to me. And I’m also not a drug user, but I’m pretty sure they like to know what they’re doing to themselves beforehand.)

Cheesy Statements Of Love

, | Related | June 5, 2017

(While talking on the phone.)

Me: “You know, [Sister], you’re probably the person I most care about.”

Sister: “Mine’s probably cheese.”

(She’s lactose intolerant.)

Mourning The Morning

, , , | Right | June 5, 2017

(I work at a popular gas station in a small town. Since we cater mostly to farmers and harvest is over we have switched to winter hours. We open an hour later and close an hour earlier than the rest of the chain due to lack of business. This happens during my morning shift around 5:30 am.)

Customer: “I can’t believe ya’ll aren’t gunna be open at five anymore. Why?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t get enough business in the winter to make being open that early viable.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I come in here every morning on my way to work to get my energy drinks and I might just have to take my business to [Other Gas Station].”

(He continues rambling on about how this is going to ruin his mornings and how he comes into my gas station almost every day and he thinks owners of the company make enough money where they shouldn’t worry about an extra hour at this one store. By the time he gets up to the front I’ve had just about enough and he starts talking about what kind of discounts he could get since we are “inconveniencing” him.)

Me: “Sir, I apologize for possibly making your morning routine a bit more difficult. I understand how frustrating that can be. But please understand that I do not make the rules. I only follow them, therefore I cannot give you any kind of discount.”

Customer: “But I come in here every morning!”

Me: “I open almost every morning and I’ve never seen you in here before at this time ever.”

Customer: *silence*

He’s Got This Scene Nailed

, , , , , | Working | June 5, 2017

(I am stage managing a rehearsal, and the lead actor has come in with some form of food poisoning. Because we’re close to opening, he has decided to tough it out instead of going home, but he has been spending most of the time he’s not onstage in the bathroom. At this point in time, I’m rounding up the actors to run the final scene, in which this actor’s character dies.)

Me: “Hey, [Actor], are you going to be able to run this scene?”

Actor: “Which scene are we doing now?”

Me: *not thinking, on autopilot* “You’re dying.”

Actor: *looks up at me, completely deadpan* “I’m well aware of that fact. But which scene are we running?”

Posting A New Romance Update

, , , , | Romantic | June 5, 2017

Boyfriend: *whispering in my ear* “I love you with all of my heart.”

Me: “I love you with all of my heart, too.”

Boyfriend: “You know why I whispered it?”

Me: “No, why?”

Boyfriend: “Because I wanted to tell the whole world and you’re my world.”

Me: *playfully hits him in the arm* “You’re so sappy, it’s sweet.”

Boyfriend: *ruining the moment* “I found it on Facebook.”

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