Santa Has Needs That Mrs. Claus Can’t Provide

, , , , , | Working | December 26, 2017

(My credit union coworkers and I are doing Secret Santa. We all have a very sarcastic sense of humor that jives well with the group. [Coworker] unwraps gift to reveal a garment box.)

Coworker: “I wonder what it is…”

Manager #1: *loudly and excitedly* “That’s S&M!”

(Everybody stares at manager with shocked expressions.)

Manager #1: “Right? That’s S&M isn’t it?”

Me: “I sure hope not!”

Manager #1: “What? It’s nice! I go there all the time!”

Me: “We don’t want to hear what you do in the bedroom!”

Manager #1: “I don’t understand…”

Manager #2: “Do you mean H&M?”

(Everyone laughs uncontrollably.)

Coworker: “Oooh! How lovely! A scarf!”

Manager #2: “I guess it could be S&M.”

This Customer Needs A Punch

, , , | Right | December 26, 2017

(On Mondays, my ice cream shop offers double punches on our punch cards. After five visits, you can get three dollars off your total purchase. I’ve had many people complain that we don’t give them a punch per item, even though it’s only five visits, but this story takes place on a Tuesday.)

Customer: “I want two medium cones of black raspberry.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be $4.21.”

(The lady hands me the punch card and the money, and I give her a single punch since it isn’t a Monday.)

Customer: “Wait. I need two punches.”

Me: *expecting that she thinks it’s one punch per item* “Actually, ma’am, we give one punch per visit. Next time you come you can get another punch!”

Customer: “No, I need two punches! On Monday people got them. I want it!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s not Monday, so I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU! I AM A CUSTOMER!” *continues to rant, swearing in addition* “OBAMA WANTS ME TO HAVE TWO PUNCHES!”

Me: “Well, then, ma’am, ask him to give us a call and plead your case, but Obama doesn’t own this ice cream stand. Look forward to seeing you again!”

Customer: *still yelling, furious* “I’LL BE HERE NEXT MONDAY!”

(Sure enough, she was, and had a smug look on her face when I gave her two punches.)

They’re A “Special” Case

, , , , , | Right | December 26, 2017

(I work at a well-known craft and hobby store. This exchange happens between a customer and my manager.)

Customer: “I have a ceiling fan and I want to paint the part of the light fixture that houses the light bulb. What spray paint would you recommend for that?”

Manager: “Um… I wouldn’t recommend any spray paint for a light fixture. Spray paint is highly toxic and when the fixture heats up, it will smell and release chemicals into the air.”

Customer: “I know, but it’s either this or spend $200 dollars on another ceiling fan that I actually like. What about this one for appliances? It says, ‘special purpose.’”

Manager: “Yes, this one has a stainless steel finish. It will have the same problem, though.”

Customer: “But it says, ‘special purpose!’”

Manager: “It has actual metal in it. That’s why it’s special. It’s still not safe for what you want to do with it.”

Customer: “But it says, ‘special purpose.’”

If I Leave It’s Your Floss

, , | Healthy | December 26, 2017

(I am at the same dentist I’ve been going to for the past five years without issue. I brush my teeth twice a day and frequently use dental floss wands. While I do take really good care of my dental hygiene, my teeth aren’t bright white, as whitening toothpaste hurts my sensitive teeth. However, I’ve gotten nothing but glowing reviews from my dental hygienists and dentists the past few years. I haven’t even had a cavity since I was in elementary school. As the dental hygienist is looking at my teeth, she asks me various questions about my dental hygiene.)

Hygienist: “How often do you brush your teeth?”

Me: “Twice daily.”

Hygienist: “Oh, good! Do you floss?”

Me: “I don’t use dental floss, but I use floss wands.”

Hygienist: “Oh, that counts! Good on you for using those.”

(The dentist stops by to do his inspection of my mouth. I have never seen this dentist before, but I’m not worried, since I’ve had nothing but good experiences with this dental practice. It is an uneventful few minutes, until he jabs me unnecessarily hard in one of my back molars with his sharp tool. Keep in mind, I’ve been going to the dentist twice a year for 25 years, so I’m used to the mild pains of getting my teeth inspected and cleaned. This pain is far out of the ordinary and almost feels deliberately hard. I have never had a dental professional cause that kind of pain in my mouth, even from cavities.)

Me: “Ow!”

(I begin to taste blood, which has me really concerned.)

Me: “I taste blood.”

(I say this with his tools still in my mouth, as he has not stopped his inspection at all.)

Dentist: “Well, that wouldn’t have happened if you actually flossed. See, this is why flossing is so important.”

Me: “I do floss.”

(Again, I mumble, as his tools are still in my mouth and I don’t want to be hurt again. He then finishes his inspection, stands up, and quickly speaks to the dental hygienist. While this is happening, I sit up to check on my tooth. I reach into my mouth and pull out a finger with blood on it.)

Dentist: “Schedule a follow-up appointment in one month, due to her poor flossing habits. It would seem she’s caused herself extremely sensitive teeth and gums. She’ll have permanent dental damage if she doesn’t start taking better care of her teeth.”

(The dentist then walks away, leaving me completely speechless.)

Hygienist: “I’m so sorry about that, honey. Let me get you some cotton balls for that blood. I’ll clean that up and try to finish your teeth cleaning.”

Me: *as I’m fighting back tears* “I swear, I do floss! I even have a pack of floss wands in my purse right over there!”

Hygienist: “I’m so sorry, sweetie. You’re fine; I promise. I didn’t see any inflammation or signs of apparent sensitivity. You also didn’t react to my inspection at all, so I don’t think you have overly sensitive teeth from poor dental care. Again, I’m so sorry. He’s the head dentist’s son, and he’s right out of dental school. He’s only temporarily hired until he finds a job at another dental practice. From what we’ve seen so far, he likes to give an excuse why a patient needs an immediate follow-up appointment so he can try to make more money through more appointments. His father has promised that he won’t be here much longer. I’m so sorry you were here on a day that he was scheduled to fill in for his father.”

(The nurse gave me an over-packed goodie bag with stickers, a new toothbrush, three new toothpastes, a small toy, and a new set of floss wands. She also continued to apologize many more times. She told me I wouldn’t need to come in again until my next dental check-up in six months, when she assured me the dentist’s son wouldn’t be employed there anymore. I’ve never had an issue with this dental practice, but if he’s still there when I come back in six months, I’ll be finding a new dentist.)

Overeating: It’s What The Holidays Are For

, , , , , | Working | December 26, 2017

(It’s a few days before Christmas, and it’s one of our VP’s birthdays. We all hear an announcement over the PA system that there is breakfast in our lunch room to celebrate the birthday and holidays. As I’ve already eaten, I remain at my desk. Multiple coworkers have already asked me why I’m not going, and I’ve told them I already ate. Most of them just keep walking, satisfied with my answer, but not this one.)

Coworker: “[My Name] let’s go! There’s food!”

Me: “But I already ate breakfast.”

Coworker: “So? Overeating! That’s the [company] way!”

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