(A customer hands me an empty, smelly meat package that once held a value pack of steaks.)

Customer: “I would like to return this steak. It was awful and grainy.”

Me: “Ma’am, there must me a product to return in order for me to process it. There are no steaks in this package.”

Customer: “I know. We ate them. But they were awful.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you did not like the steaks, but we must at least have a significant unused portion to process a return.”

Customer: “But we ate them. We didn’t like them and I want my money back. I don’t know why you are giving me a hard time. I am a customer and I am not satisfied!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I cannot process a refund based on an empty food wrapper.”

Customer: “Who is the manager here? I want to speak with a manager!”

Me: “I am the manager.” *points to name tag*

(The customer struggled for a moment with what to say.)

Customer: “I’m calling corporate!”

Me: “Okay. Have a nice day.”

(Upon check-in a guest is expressing that he is going to need a special type of room.)

Guest: “Do you have WiFi?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we do!”

Guest: “Is it in all of the rooms?”

Me: “Yes, sir, if you need to use it in the lobby or in the comforts of your room.”

Guest: “Well I need a room with the least amount of radioactive waves from the WiFi.”

Me: *drawing a blank*

Guest: “My wife is allergic to the WiFi signals so we need a room with the most complaints of dropped signals or poor connection. That’s the room with the least radioactive waves.”

(In my history class we have just finished reviewing the hunt and assassination of Osama Bin Laden. The class discussion went sort of like this.)

Classmate: “But why did they bury him at sea though?”

Teacher: “They usually do that so people don’t find the remains and build memorials to them and whatnot.”

Me: “My goal in life is to be so famous that the U.S. government buries me at sea when I die.”

Teacher: “When I said famous, I kinda meant infamous. Like, only the most horrible and cruellest people have had to have their remains be made untraceable.”

Me: “Whatever it takes.”

(I work in a store that specializes in reselling used, vintage, and high end products. This leads to many people trying to sell us their used junk that they either do not know is worthless, or are trying to con us into buying. I’m working in my office when I see a customer come in with an old and used product in his hand. I overhear him trying to strong-arm my coworker into buying the item from him. My coworker and I are both proficiently knowledgeable in our field.)

Customer: “Hey, man, this is a one-of-a-kind item! You’ll never find anything like this! You have to buy it from me!”

Coworker: “Well… It’s just, that isn’t something we’d be able to sell.”

Customer: “Trust me, your boss will be mad if you let me leave without you buying this! You’d have to be an idiot to let this go! It’s been in my family for generations and is a priceless antique. You need to buy this!”

Coworker: “Well, what were you looking to sell it for?”

Customer: “This? Are you kidding? It’s got to be worth at least $1,500! I mean, I told you, it’s a vintage, one-of-a-kind piece! You’ll never see one of these again.”

(At this point, I can see the item in the customer’s hand over the security feed and I know it’s not worth more than maybe a few hundred dollars from first glance. Surely not as much as the customer is claiming. So I walk up front to intervene.)

Me: “Hey, do you guys need any help up here?”

Customer: “Oh, yes! A woman will be able to tell how priceless this item is! Can’t you see how exquisite the details are on this?! It’s worth at least $2,000!”

Me: “And, I couldn’t help but overhear; did you say this has been in your family for generations?”

Customer: “Yes! Very priceless heirloom!”

Me: “Huh… That’s funny. I’m pretty sure I saw this exact item at Goodwill the other day when I was browsing. Look, it even has the small mark on the back where they had the price sticker!”

Customer: “How dare you! This is an antique! It is worth thousands of dollars! You know nothing, you ignorant little cow! What could a woman possibly know about something as valuable as this!”

Me: “Sir, the detailing that you are mentioning is actually a decal, as we can see by the corners where it is beginning to peel off, and is not in fact the level of craftsmanship you’re trying to make us believe. Not only that, but this particular model only came out about 20 years ago, and it was a knock-off version of a very expensive model from around 80 years ago. I know this based on the misspelling of the brand name pictured on the front. With all that taken into consideration, this item would have been worth about $200. However, it has been damaged profusely and not taken care of, which is probably why someone simply donated it to Goodwill, as you could only expect to get about $30 for this particular item in its current state.”

(By this point other customers have begun to watch the exchange.)

Me: “Now, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

(And with that the customer stormed out, thankfully never to be seen again in our store.)

(I work at a company that specializes in property management software, and I help answer calls and emails regarding issues specifically with the software.)

Customer: “Hey, I have a question for you.”

Me: “Okay, what’s going on?”

Customer: “The UPS guy is here right now in the office, and he brought in a bunch of sodas. Like, a bunch. Should I sign for them?”

Me: “Did you order the sodas?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you know if someone else did?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. He is waiting for me to sign for them. Should I?”

Me: “…sure.”

Customer: “Okay, great. Thank you.”

(I’ve talked to this manager before and I still think he has no idea that I am tech support for the software they use. Not sure who he thought he was calling.)