(A user calls because he isn’t able to login.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I checked your account and unfortunately your account was disabled. You will need to contact your manager, [Name], and ask him to send a re-enabling request.”

Caller: “Oh. Can’t you just reset my password? I really just need to check few things really quickly.”

Me: “That is not the problem. Your account is disabled. I cannot do anything. Your manager has to send the request.”

Caller: “But I just need this few things and I do not have the number.”

Me: “No problem; I may send email to your manager or call him if you want. I recognize his name; he does this all the time.”

Caller: “But I’m not in the company anymore. He wouldn’t do it.”

Me: “Oh. Do you see the message saying this system is only for employees?”

Caller: “So? I was an employee.”

Me: “But you aren’t anymore. I cannot let you in.”

Caller: “Can you find the information I need?”

Me: “Well… I’m not supposed to do it but okay. What do you need?”

Caller: “I need phone numbers and emails for everyone in [Department].”

Me: “I see. Sorry, I cannot provide this. But you know what? I will send email to your former manager and ask him. Maybe he will send it to you.”

Caller: “No, he wouldn’t. Just let me in for few minutes or I will make sure you will be fired.”

Me: “For doing my job? Okay, have fun with it.”

Caller: *click*

(The summer of 2013 was pretty tough on my family. My dad lost his job and was unemployed for three months (April through July), and when I graduated college in May, I had nothing lined up. I had to apply anywhere I could get some work; this ended up being the local burrito place. Dad no longer had a vehicle as his transport had been the company vehicle, and I had no car of my own, so we were heavily dependent on public transportation. Sometimes my dad would walk up to the nearby bus stop to meet me so he could get some exercise. One afternoon, I called him as I left the shop.)

Me: “Hey, Dad, you walking up to meet me today?”

Dad: “You’re a big girl, honey; I think you can manage it yourself for this time.”

Me: *rolling my eyes but not letting it come through in my voice* “Okay, then I’ll see you at home in about 90 minutes.”

(The bus ride was uneventful, but as we drove, I began to notice the sky getting more and more gray. No worries, I thought, surely I would beat the storm home. I got off the bus at the closest stop to my house (about 30 minutes by foot) — and within five minutes, the sky opened up. My purse wasn’t large enough to carry an umbrella, so I trudged home with the rain soaking me to the skin. When I got home, my father at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself.)

(I represent a major telecommunications firm, known primarily here in the USA as being one of the most popular cell phone service providers in the nation. I am currently talking to a customer about setting up a new phone line on her plan.)

Me: “It seems that before we can provide you with a new phone and phone line, we need you to pay your outstanding balance of $656.29.”

Customer: “What?! Why can’t you just add the line now, and I’ll pay my bill later?”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am, but our systems won’t let me add any new lines or equipment to your account until you’ve paid this past-due bill. If you like, I can process a payment with you here over the phone right now.”

Customer: “No way! I can’t afford to pay that right now, and I need this phone for my son!”

Me: “I apologize again, ma’am, but until you pay on your bill, there is nothing more I can do to help you with that.”

Customer: “You bunch of crooks! I’m gonna tell all my friends to stop using your s****y service! I’ve got enough friends that you’re gonna go out of business! I’LL SHUT YOU DOWN!”

Me: *calmly* “So just to be clear, you have enough friends to get the millions of customers we have to leave us and cause one of the world’s largest, international telecommunication firms to go out of business, but you can’t leverage any of that tremendous social influence you possess to raise a few hundred bucks to pay your bill?”

Customer: *click*

(I have a rather fluffy cat, so for sanitation purposes I take her into a pet groomer about once a month to get her backside shaved. After one session, I am putting her back in her carrier while the groomer cleans the cat hair off the table, only to have a clump get stuck to her sleeve.)

Groomer: “Is there anything cat hair doesn’t stick to?”

Coworker: “Cats.”

(I am at the register when a woman approaches with a large bag of dog food.)

Me: “Hi, do you have a [Membership] card?”

Customer: “No, and I don’t want one. Just ring me out.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I scan the UPC but it comes up as another item; a $4 cat food dish instead of a 35lb bag of dog food. I peel the sticker off and rescan.)

Customer: “Excuse me; what are you doing?”

Me: “Someone seems to have placed another tag over the original UPC. Your total is $58.29.”

Customer: “It rang up $4 so I’m not paying $60, and the shelf said $45!”

Me: “Well, since you didn’t buy a food dish, I can’t charge you for one. I can have someone check the shelf but if it said $45 for the [Membership] price, I can sign you up in, like, 30 seconds.”

Customer: “I want your manager.”

Me: “Sure.”

(While we wait for the manager to arrive, the woman huffs and complains that I should just give her the bag for $4 because that’s what I scanned, peppering her rant with insults about my job (“so easy a goddamn monkey could do it but somehow you’re too r******d”). I am looking at our website to see if the price she’s mentioned is an online sale.)

Manager: “What did you need?”

Me: “This cat dish tag was right over the UPC and I—”

Customer: “This b**** is trying to overcharge me! The sign says $45 but she’s charging me $55!”

Manager: “Okay, can you show me where you found it? Sometimes people put things in the wrong place. If that is the case, we can override the price for $45.”

Me: “It’s the [Membership] price.”

Customer: *to me* “No one is talking to you. Just shut up.” *to my manager* “She also scanned it once and it said $4! Are you going to honor that or do I have to call corporate?”

(I hand the $4 sticker to my manager. She looks at it, at me, and back to the customer.)

Manager: “Ma’am, did you put this sticker on the bag?”

Customer: “Are you accusing me of theft?!”

Manager: “No, ma’am, but I am asking if you know how this cheap item sticker from the other side of the store ended up perfectly aligned over the original UPC.”

Customer: “F*** ALL OF YOU! I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE!”

(After the customer stormed out, my manager went back to the aisles and sure enough, there was a cat food dish matching the UPC without a barcode sticker… sitting where the dog food would have been on the shelf.)