Teachers Barely Make A Mint

, , , , , | Learning | June 14, 2018

(My classmate sees my teacher getting a mint out of his desk as he is asking to go the bathroom.)

Classmate: “Can I have a mint?”

Teacher: “No.”

Classmate: “Why?”

Teacher: “Because then I would have to give everyone a mint.”

Classmate: “Rock-paper-scissors, then.”

Teacher: “No.”

Classmate: “Best out of three.”

Teacher: “Just go to the bathroom.”

Classmate: *as he is walking out of the room, yells* “[Teacher] has mints!”

(Everyone stares at the teacher.)

Teacher: “D*** it, [Classmate]!”

Put Your Football In Your Mouth

, , , , , , | Working | June 14, 2018

(I’m a female in my mid-twenties, and have just started a new job. One of the upper managers, who is in his early sixties, has come over to my desk to introduce himself. Somehow we get on the subject of football. I’ve been watching football with my dad since I was ten.)

Manager: “You watch football?”

Me: “Yep! My favorite team is [Hometown Team].”

Manager: “So, if you know football, tell me about [My Team’s Quarterback]. What do you think of him?”

(This happened several times at my previous job; guys don’t believe that a girl can like football. I feel an evil grin spread across my face.)

Me: “Well, I think he should stop throwing to [Wide Receiver] in triple coverage. That’s just asking for an interception! We’ve got so many great wide receivers, and he never uses them. Maybe his judgement has been clouded by the number of hits he’s taken. I guess that’s not his fault. The offensive line gets overrun by opposing defenses on every play. But I don’t want to talk about our offensive line. It’s the worst.”

(The manager is staring at me, open-mouthed.)

Manager: “Um, hmm. I, uh, don’t actually know that much about football. So, I guess I can’t comment.” *walks away*

(I told my dad the story a couple days later. He got a good laugh out of it.)

Imagine If His Numbers Came Up That Night?

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(One day, an older gentleman has a medical issue causing him to lose control of his vehicle. After he loses control, his truck jumps the sidewalk, barrels through our parking lot, and crashes through one of our large windows. There is now gasoline leaking from his car throughout the store, and the crash knocked out the electricity and knocked over a large section of shelving. This conversation happens while they are pulling his truck out of the building.)

Regular: “Are you guys open?”

Me: *looks over at the ambulances, fire truck, and large tow truck, and then at the large truck jutting out from the store* “No, we can’t even enter the store to get our personal items.”

Regular: “Are you sure? I really need my lottery.”

(The older gentlemen was fine besides getting a broken ring and pinky finger, and no customers were in the store besides, luckily, an off-duty EMT.)

The Lies Flow Out Of You

, , , , , | Related | June 14, 2018

(I am about seven or eight, and my sister is a year younger. My aunt is coming over, and she always bring us treats. My sister and I are very close, and when my aunt has left the room, my sister makes sure nobody is watching and I look in my aunt’s bag. I find a small bar of chocolate. Loving chocolate, I eat all of it, not giving any to my sister. She then turns around, looking to see if I had found anything.)

Sister: “[My Name], have you found anything?”

Me: “Nope, let’s go to the other room and relax.”

(We then leave and are relaxing in the next room when my mom comes running in.)

Mom: “Who ate [Aunt]’s chocolate!?”

(Not wanting to get in trouble, I immediately blame my sister.)

Me: “[Sister] did!”

Mom: “[Sister], get up, and come with me! [My Name], you stay here!”

(I later found out that my mom had taken my aunt and my sister to the hospital. That chocolate wasn’t actually plain chocolate. It was chocolate to help with my aunt’s constipation. So, while my sister was at the hospital getting needles and shots in her, I, the idiot, was sitting on the toilet the whole time. Keep in mind that was roughly four hours. Lesson learned.)

The Pelican Yellowhammer State

, , , , | Friendly | June 14, 2018

(I recently moved to California from New Orleans. I have made a few friends who are introducing me to someone new.)

Friend #1: “Oh, yeah, and this is [My Name].”

Me: “It’s nice to meet you!”

New Friend: “Nice to meet you, too. I like your accent, by the way.”

Me: “Oh, thank you!”

Friend #1: “She’s from Louisialabama!”

(We all laugh.)

Friend #1: “What?”

Friend #2: “Louisiana. She’s from Louisiana.”

Me: “You said, ‘Louisialabama!’”

Friend #1: “I said what?!”

(We all still laugh about this.)

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