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Why Hello, Pheven

, , , | Right | February 4, 2009

Me: “I’m here to help, sir. Now, can I start with your name?”

Caller: “Yeah. It’s Steven.”

Me: “Is that ‘Steven’ with a V, or ‘Stephen’ with a PH?”

Caller: “No, it’s Steven with an S, idiot!”

Problem Exists Between Bottle And Hand

, , | Right | February 4, 2009

(I work for a popular coffee chain that sells bottled drinks at the counter. The bottles have a tamper-evident pop-top feature. One day, a customer approached the counter after purchasing one of these drinks.)

Customer: “Hey, I just bought one of these things and when I opened it the cap popped up.”

Me: “Yes, they do–”

Customer: *interrupting* “It says ‘Do Not Drink If Button Is Up.'”

Me: “Yes, it’s a tamper-evident button to–”

Customer: *speaking very slowly* “I want you to understand what I’m saying here! I can’t drink this — it’s been tampered with!”

Me: “When you opened the container, the button popped up–”

Customer: “I’M NOT SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE!”

Me: *headdesk*

Bad News On Laundry Day

, , , , | Right | February 4, 2009

(A creepy old man with dirty clothes and a scraggly beard walks into the bank.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Bank]. How are you today?”

Customer: *stares, saying nothing*

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I need to take $150 in quarters from my checking account.”

Me: “Okay, I can do that for you, no problem.” *taking out a withdrawal slip* “If you can just fill this out for me, I–”

Customer: “I can’t do that.” *pushes slip across the counter*

Me: “…pardon?”

Customer: “I said, I can’t do that. Do it for me.”

Me: “Sir, unfortunately, I cannot do that, for security purposes.”

Customer: “Why can’t you?”

Me: “It’s to protect your identity.”

Customer: “My what? Just fill out the d*** slip for me!”

Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but you have to fill out the withdrawal slip. At the very least, I need you to put your name down.”

Customer: “I can’t do that.”

Me: “If you pardon my asking sir, why not?”

Customer: “I don’t want to.”

Me: “I’m… sorry sir, but–”

Customer: “What kind of bank makes people do things?!” *storms out*


This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!

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As Easy As 1, 3, 2

, , , | Right | February 4, 2009

Customer: “Hi. I ordered a movie a while back and I was wondering if it’s in yet.”

Me: *checking the order history* “Unfortunately, it hasn’t arrived yet. We’re still waiting on the distributor to send it to us.”

Customer: “Oh, well how long is it going to take? I’ve been waiting for three months.”

Me: “Actually my records indicate that you ordered the movie in October.”

Customer: “Exactly. October, September, November. Three months!”


This story is part of the Telling Time roundup!

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They Might Want A See A Doctor About That

, , , | Right | February 4, 2009

Elderly Female Customer: “Hello, I’m looking for DVDs by Andre Rieu. Can you help me?”

Me: “Sure… we have Andre just here on this end rack, then we have him in this stand as well. And we also have a huge section of him in our Easy Listening section, but if you head that way, give me a yell and I’ll help you out.”

Elderly Female Customer: “My, you have a lot of him, don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, he’s rather popular at the moment. Are you going to his tour?”

Elderly Female Customer: “Yes, I got my ticket first. Most of my friends like him as well. Well, except for two… but they don’t have souls.”

Me: “…”