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Methinks His Digital Mistress Was Sabotaged

, , | Right | February 19, 2009

Customer: “My husband spilled a milkshake on his laptop’s keyboard.”

Me: “Okay, well, it appears that you have our accidental service plan, so let’s get you squared away and get this laptop fixed.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s great! When will it be back?”

Me: “Two to four weeks.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s not good.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Do you give loaners?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid we do not.”

Customer: “Great! You mean he won’t be able to watch his p*rn, then?!”

Me: *blank look*

A Bag Of Chipocrisy

, , , | Right | February 19, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “Yes, miss, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I just found this opened bag of chips sitting on the counter.”

Me: “Oh, thank you, I’ll take that.”

Customer: *still holding the bag* “Isn’t it so inconsiderate of people to just open up the food and eat it in the store?”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, it really is.”

Customer: “Oh, well, here you go.”

(She then stuck her hand in the bag, pulled out a handful of chips, handed me the bag, and then walked away.)


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It Burns When I Download

, , | Right | February 19, 2009

Caller: “I’m having trouble downloading pictures in your program. My camera doesn’t appear in the list.”

(I ask him some questions and determine that his camera is not compatible with our software.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks as though you’ll have to download your pictures using the software that came with your camera. What program do you normally use?”

Caller: “Chlamydia.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Caller: “I usually download my pictures in Chlamydia.”

Me: *stifling laugh* “Go into your start menu and read me the name of the program very carefully.”

Caller: “Okay, it says cam-ee-dee-uh.”

Me: “Oh, Camedia…”

(I keep it together and manage to wrap up the call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Technical Support]. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “Nope, I’ll just download my pictures in Chlamydia then. Thanks!” *click*

I Hear The Gossip Columns Are Juicy

, , , | Right | February 18, 2009

(A customer walks in with a very full backpack.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade you.”

Me: “Um, we don’t actually trade things; we sell food.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve got this whole bag of stuff for you.”

(He opens the bag and shows me magazines, forks, and spoons.)

Me: “Sir, you have to use money to buy the food.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

(I call the manager, who walks over.)

Customer: “Come on, man. This magazine must be worth at least… carrots.”

Manager: “Here’s a trade for you: money for food.”

Customer: *walks out*

The Queen Has Left The Building

, , | Right | February 18, 2009

Customer: *To a female employee.* “You know who you look like? Elvis…”

Female Employee: “…Thanks?”