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Live Culture Club

, , , , | Right | March 18, 2009

(A man walks up to the service desk and wants to return his yogurt.)

Me: “Sure, is it expired?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you just need a different flavor or something?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “All right, what’s the reason for returning it?”

Customer: *shakes the yogurt* “Listen to that!” *shakes it again near my ear* “Doesn’t sound right!”

Me: “I see…”

Customer: “Yogurt shouldn’t sound like that.”

Allergy Season Nightmare

, , , | Right | March 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My Internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your account number?”

Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”

Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s [number].”

Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”

Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”

Me: “Okay, it’s coming up now…”

Customer: *sneezes*

(About ten seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)

Customer: “Excuse me…”

(I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”

Customer: “YES, YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”

Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”

Customer: “I SNEEZED AND YOU DIDN’T BLESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ATHEIST?! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BLESS SOMEONE WHEN THEY SNEEZE?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F****** HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”

Customer: “YES! THAT’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN DOWN! WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT?!”

Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”

Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*

The Aircraft Carrier Kind of Gives It Away

, , | Right | March 17, 2009

(This was at a government office on a Navy base.)

Me: “[Program Office], [My Name] speaking. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Can I speak to the homeowner?”

Me: “Sir, this is a naval base, not a residence.”

Caller: “Are you sure?!”

Our EQ Just Ate Your IQ

, , , , | Right | March 17, 2009

(Our restaurant is within walking distance of an assisted living center so many of our regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)

Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”

Special Needs Customer: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)

Customer #2: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

Special Needs Customer: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my god!”

Me: “So if I got this right, you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

Special Needs Customer: “Yes, that’s right!”

Me: “You know what I think you need? A high-five!”

Special Needs Customer: “You know I do!”

(I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high-five.)

Customer #2: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*


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Getting Your Priorities Straight, Part 2

, , , , | Right | March 17, 2009

(A customer comes in with four very young kids.)

Customer: “Does [R-rated Police Drama] have any nudity in it?”

Me: “No, but it’s incredibly violent.”

Customer: “…but there’s no sex or nudity, right?”

Me: “No, it’s just really violent and bloody.”

Customer: “I’ll have one adult and four kids, please!”