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Paint By Dumbers

, , | Right | February 6, 2009

(I work in the crafts department of a very large retail store. A customer walks over and hands me a small bottle of white craft paint.)

Customer: “Excuse me, is this white paint?”

Me: “…yes.”

Customer: “Oh. How can you tell what color it is?”

Me: “The bottle is see-through. The color you see on the bottle is the actual paint.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I’ve never done crafts before.”

Me: “That’s fine; I understand.”

Customer: “So, how do I use this? Is the brush inside the bottle?”

Me: “No… you have to buy the brush separately.”

Customer: “So it’s not in there?”

Me: “No. Paintbrushes are a lot bigger than that bottle.”

(I show her where the paintbrushes are and help her pick one out.)

Customer: “So… I just, like… brush the paint on what I want to paint?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the general idea.”

Pre-Pre-Pre-School

, , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is [School].”

Caller: “Hi, I need to see if I can get my son into your school?”

Me: “All right, that’s easy. Come over anytime next week, when we’ll be taking applications.”

Caller: “Can you fax it to me?”

Me: “No, I can’t, but you can print it out from our website, along with all the information there. Is that okay?”

Caller: “Yeah…”

Me: “We only accept applicants for 7th through 9th grade from this school district, just to let you know.”

Caller: “Oh, what is your district?”

Me: “[Name] high school district.”

Caller: “Oh, where is that?”

Me: “[Name] and its neighboring cities.”

Caller: “Oh. That’s where we’re moving.”

Me: “You don’t live in the district?”

Caller: “No, we live in New Jersey. We’re going to move to California so my son can go there.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m afraid that you need to live within the district to put in an application.”

Caller: “Yes, we’re moving there.”

Me: “You need to be in the district when you put in the application.”

Caller: “When are applications due?”

Me: “They’re due the third week of January through the second week of February.”

Caller: “Oh. We’re not moving for a little while.”

Me: “Yes… you need a copy of a gas or electricity bill so we can verify your address is in the district. If I may ask, ma’am, what grade is your son in?”

Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t go to school.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “My son will be one year old in a few weeks!”

With Thought, Care And Testosterone

, , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Female Conference Attendee: “Where’s the cook? This food is amazing, and I want to give my regards to the cook.”

Me: “That’s great to hear; if you wait a moment, I’ll get him out of the back.”

(I return with the cook.)

Me: “This is [Cook], and he is our head cook.”

Female Conference Attendee: *looking behind the head cook* “No, seriously, where’s the cook? I need to talk with her.”

Cook: “Ma’am, I am the cook. How can I help you?”

Female Conference Attendee: *looking askance* “You are NOT the cook. You cannot BE the cook. The food here is so wonderful, so full of love it MUST be cooked by a woman.”

Cook: “All right, you caught us. The real cook has her day off today. We’ll thank her when she gets back tomorrow.”

Female Conference Attendee: “Yes, you will.” *muttering as she walks away* “Men who cook… sheesh.”

On The Bright Side, She Never Gets Brain Freezes

, , | Right | February 5, 2009

(The lunch rush has just come and gone, and now the early release seniors from the local high school are trickling in.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Smoothie Shop].”

Blonde Customer: “Mmm… I think I’ll try the Mahalo Mango today.”

Redhead Customer: “Oooh. I heard mangoes are kinda bitter.”

Blonde Customer: “Ew… like, can I get that without mango then?”

Me: “Would you rather the Power Pineapple? It’s the same smoothie, just pineapple instead of mango.”

Blonde Customer: “No, I want to try something new… so, yeah. Mahalo Mango without the mango.”

Me: “Okay… what would you like instead of the mango?”

Blonde Customer: “Um… can I get pineapple?”

An Inconvenient List of Truths

, , | Right | February 5, 2009

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need you guys to fill a prescription for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are a hospital pharmacy. We only prepare medications for patients of the hospital.”

Caller: “Well, that’s simply discrimination. You ought to fill for everyone.”

Me: “You see, sir, we’re very different from a retail store. We issue individual, bubble-packed pills in one-day supplies to the nurses to give to their patients. We don’t have bottles, and we don’t do 30-day supplies like a store does. We don’t have a cash register, or any kind of means to ring up customers. We’re also located in an employees-only area of the hospital, near the morgue. You can’t really get to us that easily.”

Caller: “Well, those are all excuses.” *hangs up*