(I go with my friends to a fast food place that specializes in burgers, before going to the movies. There is no one in the lobby, when this interaction takes place.)

Me: “I would like to order a Bacon Double Cheeseburger meal, please.”

Cashier: “Certainly! That will be [amount].”

(My friends and I pay for our meals, and within a couple of minutes, my friends get their order, but I never get mine. I stand there for quite a while, until the same cashier who took my order makes eye contact with me and approaches me.)

Cashier: “Is there something wrong, ma’am?”

Me: “Yes, I never got my Bacon Double Cheeseburger meal.”

Cashier: “That is because we have been out of burgers all day. Would you like to order something else?”

(I wonder why he didn’t mention that, if he knew they had no burgers in stock, but not wanting to cause trouble, I order something else from the menu.)

Cashier: “Okay, with your new meal, that will be [amount].”

Me: “Aren’t you going to refund me for the other meal?”

Cashier: “Why would I do that?”

Me: “Because I paid for the Double Bacon Cheeseburger meal and you waited to tell me after I paid for it. I should be getting a refund.”

Cashier: *looks at me confused* “Well, I’m not sure if I can give you one because I don’t have proof you ordered a Bacon Double Cheeseburger to begin with. Do you have your receipt?”

Me: “You’re the one who rang me up five minutes ago and told me, after the fact, that you had no burgers.”

Cashier: “But I still have no proof you order it. Do you have your receipt?”

Me: *facepalms*

(I handed him the receipt and he went to get a manager for the refund. After telling the manager he never told me until after the fact they had no burgers, she offered to give me a new meal for free. It still blows my mind that a restaurant commonly known for selling hamburgers and cheeseburgers was out of them!)

(I’m at my annual check-up, discussing heartburn.)

Doctor: “With patients your age, I try to schedule upper GI exams with colonoscopies, to take a good look from both ends while you’re sedated.”

Me: “Makes sense.”

Doctor: “Different scopes, though, for either end! No sharing allowed!”

(My mom’s college friend is Irish Catholic, but her husband isn’t. This is during her wedding.)

Priest: “Can you bring up the gifts up after the intercession prayer?”

Husband: “Sure.”

(After the intercessory prayer, the husband brought up the wedding gifts! “Gifts” in the Catholic Church means the chalice and water!)

(A little kid understands horns, but he can’t understand how antlers fall off then grow back.)

Little Boy: “So, the animal dies, then the antlers fall off?”

Me: “No, they fall off, and then a new pair grows while the animal is still alive.”

Little Boy: “But the animal dies?”

Me: *getting frustrated* “No. It’s like losing a tooth. You lose one, and a new one grows in, but this happens to some animals once a year.”

Little Boy: “But the tooth fairy makes me lose my teeth.”

Me: “Well, the antler fairy makes them lose theirs.”

Little Boy: “And then she takes them, right?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Little Boy: “But how did you get that one?” *pointing at the antler*

Me: “Well, the antler fairy brings them to zoos so we can tell people about them.”

Little Boy: “But what about Santa?”

Me: *confused* “Santa?”

Little Boy: “Yeah, doesn’t he like to keep the antlers?”

Me: “He keeps some, but the rest he gives to the antler fairy.”

Little Boy: “Ohhhhhhhh.”

(We have been receiving calls from a scammer once a week discussing nonexistent student loans and asking for banking information. Finally, I have had enough. The phone rings from the same call center.)

Me: “Hello.”

(Pause.)

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “That’s what I just said.”

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “I think we have already covered this part of the conversation. May we move on, or shall we greet one another once more?”

Scammer: “I would like to talk to you about refinancing your student loans.”

Me: “Okay. Have fun with that, but I’m just going to set the receiver down and go start dinner, because I am 38 and paid off all my student loans years ago.”

(I set down the phone and I could hear talking for a full two minutes before the scammer realized I wasn’t there and hung up. So, I redialled the number and said we got disconnected. I did the same thing again. And again. Until supper was ready. One scammer kept off the phone for over an hour. You’re welcome, society!)