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Steam Cleaner On Elm Street

, , , , | Right | February 10, 2009

Customer: “Can you show me where the carpet cleaning stuff is?”

Me: “Sure, right here.” *leads him to the aisle*

Customer: “Which one is good for getting blood out of carpet?”

Me: “Well, this brand works well for spots. How much blood are we talkin’ here?”

Customer: “About a bucket full…”

Me: “You may want to rent a carpet cleaner…”

On The Politically Proper Placement of Puzzles

, , , | Right | February 10, 2009


Me: *confused* “Um… why?”

Customer: “Your Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf! I demand to speak to your manager!

Me: “Okay, go ahead. I’m the manager on duty.”

Customer: “This is an insult to me that your Native American puzzles are on the lower shelf. This is racism!”

Me: “So, I’m a racist because the Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf…”

(I look at the shelf and notice some animal puzzles on the very bottom shelf.)

Me: “Well, I hope PETA doesn’t find these puppy puzzles down here then.”

Customer: *storms off*

Books On Surveillance Tape

, , , , , , | Right | February 9, 2009

Me: “[Library], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have some books that are due tomorrow, but I need to keep them longer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ll need your name so I can renew the books.”

Caller: *scandalized* “You need my what?”

Me: “Your name, ma’am. So I can call up your account on my computer.”

Caller: “You have my account?! How did you get that? Do you have my Social Security number?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I mean your library account. When you came in to get your library card, you filled out a form with your name, address, phone number, and email, so that we can contact you if you ever have overdue books. We don’t have your social security number.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not giving out my name to a complete stranger over the phone!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Perhaps you could give me the titles of the books?”

Caller: “Why do you need to know what I’m reading?! The books are due tomorrow! Just renew them!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s no way I can look up books by the due date. Without your name or the titles of the books, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “You’re trying to steal my identity! I’m calling the cops.”

Me: *giving up* “You do that, ma’am.” *hangs up*

Coworker: “You should have told her we put cameras in the books.”

This story is part of our Identity Theft roundup!

Read the next Identity Theft roundup story!

Read the Identity Theft roundup!

Coming Soon: Laptop Loofas

, , , , | Right | February 9, 2009

Customer #1: “This cell phone doesn’t work anymore. I want you to replace it.”

Me: “When did it stop working?”

Customer #1: “After I brought it in the shower.”

Me: “If it got wet, it’s probably not going to work at all, and it won’t be covered by the warranty.”

Customer #1: “I don’t understand. If it doesn’t work anymore, you’re supposed to replace it. It should work in the shower.”

Me: “Well, no. Like any piece of electronics, it’s not going to work if you get it wet. Would you bring your laptop in the shower?”

Customer #2: *interjecting* “I bring my laptop into the shower all the time.”

Me: *facepalm*

Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

, , | Right | February 9, 2009

(I’ve just served the customers their unlimited salad bowl…)

Customer: “Well, where’s my salad?”

Me: “The bowl on the table is for everyone to share. That’s why I brought everyone their own salad plates.”

Customer: “Yes, but where is my bowl of salad? Don’t I get my own?”

Me: “Well, it’s supposed to be served family style where everyone eats from the same bowl.”

Customer: “So, they are trying to cheat me out of my salad.”

Me: “Well, it’s an unlimited salad bowl so you get unlimited free refills.”

Customer: *turns to his wife* “See, that’s where they get you. There’s always a catch…”

Me: “Just let me know if you need more salad…”