(I’m working with a caller on a bug they’ve found on our website.)

Me: “Okay, I need to know what Internet browser you’re working on. Internet Explorer? Firefox?”

Caller: “I’m using Firefox.”

Me: “Great. Now, do you know what version of Firefox you’re using?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m using version 12.” *note: the highest version of Firefox is currently 3.6*

Me: *jokingly* “Firefox 12? That must mean you’re from the future! Wow! What’s the new Firefox like? In my time, we only have version 3.6.”

Caller: “It’s pretty nice, I guess.”

Me: *still jokingly* “Do you have hover-cars yet?”

Caller: “Um…”

Me: “Sorry, that was a joke. What I want you to do is email me a screen capture of the bug you’re experiencing, as well as the specific version of Firefox you’re using. I can give you instructions on how to do so.”

(Thirty minutes later I received an email with the screen captures. Turned out she was using Internet Explorer 7.)

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(I work at the front desk and am checking in a new patient. Note that I am a lesbian, wearing a clearly visible pentagram necklace, and am in a five-year relationship.)

Me: “Good morning! Go ahead and sign in, and I’ll let the doctor know you’re here.”

Patient: “Your eyes are gorgeous!”

Me: “Thanks. Have a seat while I look through your paperwork.”

Patient: *doesn’t move*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Patient: “Your eyes are really just so beautiful. I can see the power of God in you. You are truly an angel, do you know that?”

Me: “I… get that a lot?”

Patient: “Are you single?”

Me: “No.”

Patient: “Are you sure? Is it serious?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty serious.”

Patient: “Oh, but you’ll just love my son. You have to meet him as soon as he gets back from his Mormon mission!”

Me: “Uhm…”

Patient: “Are you sure you can’t consider breaking up with your boyfriend?”

Me: “I really don’t think she’d take that well.”

Patient: “What?”

Me: “I said I really don’t think I’m allowed to date patients or their family members.”

Patient: “Oh… but do think about it. Your eyes are really just so pure! He’d really be perfect for you!”

(She called several weeks later to say she’d been committed to a mental hospital.)

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Me: “Thanks for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a room next weekend. My kid has a swim meet down there.”

Me: “Okay. Rooms with two doubles are going for $135.”

Customer: “Give me a corporate rate on that room.”

Me: “Sir, corporate rates are for business travel. You just told me you were coming for a swim meet.”

Customer: “Well, uh, I sell swimsuits!”

(It is a slow night and I am working with a coworker when a guy walks in.)

Coworker: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have a room for tonight?”

Coworker: “Just tonight?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Coworker: “How many in your party?”

Customer: “Just one.”

Coworker: “Do you have a smoking preference?”

Customer: “Weed?”

Me: *just hearing the last part of the conversation* “What?”

Coworker: “We’re keeping him.”

(This is at a midnight showing of a newly released Star Wars movie.)

Me: “When the doors open, please go in and take your seats. You will not be allowed to save seats for people further back in line.”

(A customer waves his hand in the air like a Jedi.)

Customer: “You will let us save seats.”