I am the customer in this story, my father is at the hospital having open heart surgery while I am at the store getting get-well gifts, and frozen meals for my kids so they can fend for themselves for the evening. I’m checking out at a lane that has both a very happy trainer — she is demonstrating and therefore doing the work — and a trainee observing. I’ve been crying off and on all day and look like a wreck.

As the trainer is checking me out she asks, “And how is your day going, ma’am?”

Distracted, anxious, and barely hearing her, I respond, “Just fine, thank you.”

Then she says, in a very cheerful voice, “Why don’t you tell me the most wonderful thing that happened to you today?

I’d like to think that I would typically be able to answer that question, but with all of the stress, and the absurdity of the question itself, I’m a bit flummoxed. I stare at her for a minute and then say, “Actually, nothing good has happened today. My father is being operated on as we speak, and I am worried and stressed. I apologize for telling you I was fine; it’s actually been a terrible day.”

The trainee is staring at me with wide eyes, looking horrified. Meanwhile the trainer just says perkily, “Well, that’s too bad, but I’m sure something has been wonderful for you today!”

I am literally dumbstruck. Thankfully it is a quick transaction so I just pay and leave without another word.

(I’m an assistant manager at a grocery store. It’s around Christmas time, and I’m on the midnight shift. The store is packed, and the lines at the registers are long, even with every lane going. One of the cashiers calls me over to their register because the customer has an “issue” with the price of her eggs. I come over with a smile.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

(When the customer looks up from her phone after a few seconds, she says:)

Customer: “Finally. I’ve been waiting for a manager for 30 minutes!”

(I know this is a lie, because I’ve only been on the clock 15 minutes, and this is the first time I’ve come to that register. I apologize for her non-existent wait, and ask what the issue is.)

Customer: “My eggs rang up wrong, so I get these for free; I know your store policy. Take them off.”

(Our store does have a policy that if an item does not ring up at the shelf price, it is given to the customer for free. This is not one of those cases.)

Me: “What were the eggs supposed to ring up as?”

Customer: “You work here; you should know. It’s not my job to tell you the price of things.”

(I flip open the weekly ad, and find that the one-dozen store brand eggs – which she has three of — are on sale, three for $5. I look at the register, and the eggs have rung up two at $1.67, and one at $1.66, making the three dozen eggs exactly $5. I explain to the woman that her eggs have rung up correctly, and she immediately blows up.)

Customer: “You are always trying to steal from me! You never honor your store policy, and you never fix the prices that ring up wrong. It’s like this every time I come in here! I just want my d*** eggs for free like they’re supposed to be, or I’m never shopping here again! I’ve waited long enough for this s***!”

(Again, I try explaining that the $1.66, $1.67, and $1.67 she was charged for her eggs is the correct price, at three for $5, but she isn’t having it.)

Customer: “Your corporate office will hear from me immediately. I’ve never been treated so poorly by anyone at this store! I’ve shopped here for 30 years, and I’ll never set foot in here again!”

(She storms out, not paying for or taking any of her order. After she leaves, the customer behind her remarks:)

Next Customer: “I can’t believe she’s been shopping here 30 years; this store’s only been open for 22.”

(I am sitting at my desk behind the nurses’ station when one of our new patients approaches me.)

Patient: “Can you do me a favor and check my lab work for me?”

Me: “I sure can, sir. Let me get you pulled up, here. What did you want me to look over?”

Patient: “Can you check to see if there’s any diabetes in my blood?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “Diabetes. In my blood.”

Me: “Did you mean your glucose level, sir?”

Patient: *clearly exasperated* “No, I mean if the doctor found any diabetes in my blood.”

Me: “Sir, that’s… that’s not how diabetes works.”

Related:
What A Diabeetus, Part 3
What A Diabeetus, Part 2
What A Diabeetus

(I am finishing my last shift at work before taking a leave of absence, as I need to have a minor surgery on my ankle the following Monday. I’ve been working at this frozen yogurt shop for six months. It’s locally owned and very popular, so I’ve seen people I know on just about every shift I work. Everyone I know is aware I work there, as it’s a fun environment and I post about it on social media occasionally. My friend is the one who recommended I apply to work here, so she’s been working at this store for about a year longer than I have. We have just under an hour left until close, so it is slowing down a bit. An acquaintance walks in as I am sweeping up some sprinkles a kid spilled.)

Me: “Hi, [Acquaintance]! Welcome to [Store]!”

Acquaintance: “Hello, I was just at [Burger Shop in the strip mall] and was stopping by in hopes of catching [Friend].”

Me: “Oh, sorry. She isn’t in right now. It’s pretty hard to catch her since she decided to only take a couple shifts a week right now.”

Acquaintance: “That’s too bad. Hey, so, what are you doing here? Just hanging with friends?”

(I look down at my broom, obnoxiously bright tie-dye t-shirt, and hair pulled back with a headband. The broom, shirt, and headband all have the store’s logo. I’m not sure if it is a sincere question.)

Me: “I… work here?”

Acquaintance: “Oh, yeah. I guess that makes sense.”

Me: “…?”

(We have a coworker who is in the habit of playfully saying, “You’re fired,” every time someone makes a mistake. No one ever takes him seriously, since he is always smiling and laughing when he says it. That changes one day when we are training new hires.)

Coworker: “You’ll need to hold down the shift key while you make this selection so it’s a perfect square.”

(The new hire fumbles about a bit and has difficulty pressing two buttons at the same time. I can see they’re frustrated, and my coworker attempts to make a funny in order to put them at ease.)

Coworker: “You’re fired. Here. Let me take over, and I can show you again.”

(The new hire is oblivious to the second half of what my coworker has just said. They start to get a glassy look in their eyes and totally lose any color in their face. I can see that they have the first-day jitters very bad, so I step in to calm them down.)

Me: “Oh, no no no no! He was just trying to be funny! You’re not fired at all!”

New Hire: *wipes their eyes and looks at me* “You’re terrible! I quit!”

(They storm into the back room to where the time cards are and where we keep our personal belongings.)

Me: *to coworker* “I never thought that your joke would ever get that kind of reaction, but I guess you have to be more careful from now on.”

(The new hire suddenly appears behind us with a smile.)

New Hire: “Gotcha!”