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If Puns Bug You, Steer Clear Of This One

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 31, 2023

When my youngest son was a senior in high school (just last year) he took a Zoology class, where they worked on a bug collection project. My husband was asking our youngest about said project after it had been turned in.

Husband: “When are you going to know what grade you got? Did you get all the categories you needed?”

Son: “I don’t know. [Teacher] has three or four Zoology classes, so she’ll be looking at bugs for a while.”

Me: “Well, she’ll be pretty bug-eyed, won’t she?”

There’s Such A Thing As Caring Too Much

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | January 31, 2023

In July 2016, my friend and I were visiting another friend’s house to drop off a birthday present and arrange a birthday celebration dinner for later in the evening.

We just so happened to have a dog with us, a Bichon Frisé by the name of Rocky and, unfortunately, we had to park on the street because there were no visitor stalls.

Upon realizing we didn’t have a leash in the car, I volunteered to stay in the car with the dog so my friend could safely leave the ignition on to run the air conditioning. While he went off and did the tasks we arrived for, I dozed off, only to be awoken by a woman rapping against my window as hard as she could muster with her ring hand.

I wound down the window.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “You can’t leave a dog in a car like this! How dare you?! I have half a mind to call the police!”

Me: “What? Ma’am, I am in the car with him and the air conditioning is running. Do you not hear the engine?”

Woman: “DON’T SASS ME! THIS IS ANIMAL CRUELTY!”

Me: “The air conditioner is on, ma’am. And I am in the vehicle; the animal isn’t unattended.”

Woman: “IT DOESN’T MATTER!”

Me: “It really does, actually.”

Woman: “What is your name? Where do you live?!”

Me: “Who the h*** are you to be asking me questions like that?”

Woman: “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!”

Me: “Yeah, and I don’t care.”

I started to wind the window up but she put her hand on it so I released the switch. (I didn’t know if a 2009 Nissan could remove fingers.) 

Woman: “I asked you who you are! I am going to report you for animal cruelty!”

She proceeded to slam her hand on the roof of the car. 

At this point, I opened the door and got out of the car. At six feet even and about 270 pounds, I was far above her size in every measurable sense.

Me: “I suggest you jog on because if anyone is going to call the police, it’s going to be me, and I can guarantee you their response will not be in your favor.”

She stared up at me for a moment before hustling away. 

About twenty minutes later, my friend came back with apologies for taking so long. 

Friend: “Sorry, did I miss anything?”

Me: “Nah.”

Let Me Give You My Harassment Card!

, , , | Right | January 31, 2023

It’s a rather slow day. My male coworker is on his break so it’s only me working up front. A middle-aged man pops into the store.

Me: “Hi! Welcome! What can I get started for you?”

I am a young adult woman with many facial and ear piercings. Normally, people don’t make any comments, but the man seems intrigued by my piercings.

Customer: “Hey! I wanted to get a coffee ice cream. Woah! Those are some cool piercings!”

Me: “Oh, haha, thank you! What size can I get you?”

Customer: “You look really sexy with those earrings. Are you doing anything after your shift?”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m closing, so I won’t be out anytime soon. What size can I get you, sir?”

Customer: “You should let me take you out. I bet I can show you a good time.”

This goes on for the whole transaction until we reach the register where I try to give him his total.

Me: “All right, sir, your total is [amount].”

Customer: “Well, if you ever change your mind, I’d love to take you out or even wait until you’re off shift. Have my card and call me if you want a real man.”

Me: “Uh, okay, thanks. Have a good day, sir.”

I had to run to the back to go show my coworker the business card. The man had handed me a business card with not only his full name, phone number, and email, but his Instagram, Facebook, Kik, Snapchat, and even his AOL and Yahoo Messenger account name! The card even said, “Let me show you a good time,” on the edges. I guess some people never give up!

He Was A Very Convincing Rolfe, Apparently

, , , , , , | Learning | January 31, 2023

After my high school performance of “The Sound of Music”, the student actors are mingling with audience members in the lobby. An elderly man is approaching various actors.

To the actor who played the lead role of Maria:

Man: “You were amazing! So talented! I hope you pursue a career in music.”

To the actor who played Gretl, the youngest of the von Trapp children:

Man: “You were fantastic, sweetie! I bet your parents are so proud of you.”

To the actor who played Rolfe, still in a Nazi costume from his final scene in the show:

Man: “The last time I saw a man wearing that uniform, I shot him!”

A Gross Response To Gross Behavior

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 31, 2023

This story is honestly disgusting. It happened at my husband’s workplace at a liquor store, before the global health crisis. Some of his coworkers smoked. They would leave their cigarette butts in a corner, on the ground, and at the end of the day, one of them would clean up the mess.

There was a middle school about a block away, and a few “brilliant” teenage boys started to notice that some of the cigarettes weren’t fully smoked. They would PICK THEM UP OFF THE GROUND and light them up and smoke them.

They did this a couple of times before my husband caught them in the act and chased them off. He kept tabs on them, and they came by every school day to see if there were any they could salvage. When my husband called the cops, they told him they couldn’t do anything.

After pondering a bit, my husband got an evil idea and set out a sign that said the following:

Sign: “Attention, kids! One of my employees has hepatitis and is one of the smokers here. You need to talk to your parents so they can go get you tested.”

It wasn’t long before he got calls from a couple of angry parents demanding to know why he had “infected [their] little angel[s].”

Hubby simply told them exactly what they had done, smiling an evil little smile the entire time and even offering to show them the camera evidence of the disgusting behavior. The line would go quiet before they thanked him for bringing that to their attention and hung up.

One man even brought his son in to apologize. 

It never ceases to amaze me the things that some dumb teens will do to smoke.