A Heart-worming Tale

, , , , , , | Related | February 26, 2021

My teenage son and I have just finished checking out. He takes the receipt and starts to toss it in the trash.

Son: “I should just throw the receipt away, right?”

Me: “No, we have to keep it.”

Son: “Why? You can’t return food.”

Me: “You can if there’s a worm in your celery.”

Son: “…”

Me: “I once got some celery, and when I cut into it, a worm had eaten all of the inside parts. I put the worm in a jar, took the celery back, and asked if they wanted the worm, too. They exchanged the celery but didn’t want the worm.”

Son: “So, did you keep the worm? Love it? Nurture it? Raise it as your own?

Me: “Well, this wasn’t how I wanted you to find out, my little celery worm.”

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She’s Playing Hardball

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2021

I am working at a retail portrait studio. A woman brings her young son in for an appointment and I’m going over the details of their session.

Customer: “…and then I want a picture of him throwing a baseball at the camera.”

I know we have a foam baseball available, so I agree, and we get started. I hand the little boy the foam baseball.

Customer: “No! It has to be this one!”

She hands the ball to her little boy.

Me: “Ma’am, that is a real baseball. I can’t let him throw that toward the camera.”

Customer: “Oh, relax, it’ll be fine! Throw it, [Child]!”

He throws it, but I have to put the camera down and duck out of the way.

Customer: “You missed it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m serious. I could get hurt, you could get hurt, the equipment could get damaged… I can’t let him throw the baseball at the camera.”

Customer: “He’s not even three yet; he can’t throw that hard! It’ll be fine!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we cannot do it. He can hold the ball, but if you want him to throw a ball, it has to be the foam one.”

She calls me a name under her breath, but I choose to let it slide.

Customer: “Fine. I guess you don’t care about serving the customer. We can let him hold it only, but you can bet I’ll be leaving a negative review!”

She hands him the real baseball and I pick the camera back up and get ready to photograph again. She waits until I’ve taken a couple of pictures of him holding it.

Customer: “Okay, now throw it, baby!”

He throws the ball at me as hard as he can, and his little aim is dead on. He breaks the lens hood on the camera, sending it flying back into my face and giving me a black eye.

Customer: “Did you get it? Tell me you got it!”

Me: “No, ma’am, our session is over.” 

Customer: “What?! I had a whole other outfit!”

Me: “No. The camera is broken and now I have to fill out an incident report.”

I get up and exit the room, and she follows me, screaming.

Customer: “I’m not leaving without my pictures! I want to finish the session!”

I am trying really hard to stay calm, but I’m literally shaking as I speak.

Me: “I am ending the session. Your images will be sent to our corporate office so they can assess this violation of our safety procedures. They will contact you if they can release the photos.”

Customer: “You f****** b****! I will have your job!”

Me: *Putting my hand on the phone* “If you don’t leave, I’ll have to call security.”

It turned out that I didn’t have to call them. The woman started screaming bloody murder — seriously, horror movie loud — and the optical department next door called for me. Security escorted the woman and her bewildered son out of the store. She never got her pictures. I felt so bad for the poor kid, who didn’t do anything but try to listen to his mother’s directions. I hope he turned out okay.

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Having Some Men Problems

, , , | Right | February 26, 2021

I am talking to a female mall security guard when a stranger comes up.

Stranger: “Hey, there are a couple of guys in the ladies’ toilet. One went into a stall and the other is hanging about the sink, apparently waiting for his friend. But he’s creeping us girls out!”

Guard: “All right, let’s have a look.”

Stranger: “They’re in costume, heads completely covered, so we have no idea what they really look like.”

Guard: “Hmm…”

The guard turns to me.

Guard: “Sorry, give me a moment.”

After a while, the guard returns alone.

Me: “What was that?”

Guard: “They were girls! They were just dressed as male characters. Told them to keep their heads out so nobody sees them as men.”

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Wary Of The Warehouse

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2021

The company I work for has five warehouses in five different states. While the overwhelming majority of orders ship around the world, each warehouse also has a will-call where local customers can pick up their orders.

I work in the call center where we often get calls asking for directions. The caller ID and area code will usually tip off which location I have to give directions to, but not every phone number will show up.

Caller: “I’m having trouble finding your will call. Can you help me?”

Me: “Sure. Let me just confirm which warehouse you’re trying to reach.”

Caller: “The warehouse with the will call.”

Me: “Yes, each of our warehouses has a will call. Which state are you in?”

Caller: “I’m by the glass doors.”

Me: “We have five different locations in five different states, and I need to know which one you’re trying to reach.”

Caller: “I see a lot of trucks.”

If anyone can tell me how I can possibly be clearer or more straightforward, please let me know!

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Baja Backroom Blah Blah

, , , , | Right | February 25, 2021

While I usually just handle the inventory, I occasionally deal with customers in the morning and answer the phone when we’re short-staffed.

Me: “[Bookstore], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hey. I’m looking for a travel guide to Baja, but the latest edition doesn’t come out until February. Do you guys get things in before the official release date?”

I am thinking she’s probably asking if it’s a hard restriction, which it is, or whether she can reserve a copy.

Me: “Yep, we’re just not allowed to sell them before the release date.”

Caller: “What about a backroom deal?”

Me: “Ma’am, are you asking me to illegally sell you a book?”

Caller: *Very cheerfully* “Yes!”

I ended up having to explain to her that we could get in VERY serious legal trouble with the publishers if we sold a book before its release date. She was very polite but seemed shocked that there would actually be serious consequences for breaking the rules.

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