Yes, Because Heterosexual Porn Is Okay

, , , , | Right | April 24, 2019

(My husband told me this story from his time working at a video game store. He is working with a male customer to trade in their PS2. He plugs in the unit to make sure it powers on and ejects the disk drive to find an adult film DVD in it with an obvious title referring to busty women.)

Customer: *laughs nervously* “Well, at least I’m not gay, right?!”

Husband: *has seen it all and wordlessly hands the customer the DVD and finishes the trade-in as usual*

 

Should Have Seen That Date Coming

, , , | Romantic | April 24, 2019

(My roommates convince me to go to my first college party with them. Inevitably, I meet a guy. While we’re making out on the couch:)

Guy: “What’s your major?”

Me: “Psychology.”

Guy: “Woah, you’re psychic?! Are you gonna read my mind?”

(I haven’t been to another party since.)

Parking And Wreck-reation

, , , , , , | Right | April 24, 2019

(I work security at a condo building. The building has several levels of parking for the residents who live there. One parking level also includes a section of guest parking. One night, a group of men and women in their late 20s or early 30s stops by the front desk.)

Guests: “Where is guest parking?”

(I point them in the direction of guest parking and continue monitoring the front desk. About a minute later, this group returns to the front desk.)

Guests: “Where is the real guest parking?”

Me: “I already showed it to you.”

Guests: “You’re lying! We parked our car in guest parking and it’s not there! Where is the real guest parking?”

(I know there is only one section of guest parking, so I know these people are confused. I decide to take a different approach.)

Me: “Who are you guys visiting?”

Guests: “[Person] in [unit].”

(I look for their host’s assigned parking spot and realize that is visible on one of the cameras in the parking ramps. I review that camera and vividly see these guests and their host getting out of a minivan several hours earlier. This is allowed in the building. Now I know that their vehicle is parked in a ramp that is different than guest parking.)

Me: “I know where your car is parked; please follow me.”

(The guests follow me to the correct parking level, and as soon as we walk from the elevator lobby into the ramp:)

Guests: “This is not where our car is parked!”

(We are at least 100 feet from the vehicle, so I tell them to just keep following me. As soon as we get to the minivan, the men respond.)

Guests: “May you have seven [women] tonight.”

(I did not respond, but I made sure they left the parking garage safely.)

A Bit Of Blind Luck

, , , , , | Related | April 24, 2019

(My dad is colorblind. He asks me to help him make his bed one day, and as we’re making his bed, he starts talking about his sheets, which are a slightly dull green.)

Dad: “This is Egyptian cotton. The same stuff they made the pharaohs’ wrappings out of.”

Me: “Cool. When you’re done with it, I can make a mummy costume.”

Dad: “You’ll be the first gray mummy.”

Me: “Um… These are green.”

Dad: “What? Dang it. I bought them to match the comforter.”

Me: “The comforter is green, too.”

Mr. Potato-Head Is A Little Empty

, , , , , | Friendly | April 24, 2019

During college, I lived next to an apartment full of guys. My roommates didn’t give two hoots about neighbors, but I got on well with them and hung out at their place fairly often, as sort of the token chick.

They were fairly excited to finally be on their own in an apartment, and one day they decided they were going to have a “cookout” — really more of a cook-in since it was campus housing and an actual grill would have given the housing office a heart attack, but it sounded like fun, and I offered to help out and make a dessert in exchange for free booze.

I went over fairly early to help set up. One of the guys came out of the kitchen with a look like a kicked puppy. I asked him what was wrong and he held up two things — a raw potato and a masher — and told me forlornly, “I can’t mash it.”

He was astonished by the news that you had to actually cook the potato first. I ended up helping with a lot more cooking than I’d intended that day… but I got first dibs on drinks for the rest of the night, so the boys were forgiven.

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