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No Debit, But Plenty of Loonies

, , , | Right | October 26, 2008

(At the gas station where I work, a young woman staggers in drunk and tries to buy a bag of chips on debit.)

Me: “Okay, that will be $1.35 on debit.”

(The customer picks up the pin pad and proceeds to swipe a quarter through the slot.)

Me: “Um… ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “That’s a quarter.”

Customer: “Yes, I know. For some reason, it won’t work. Is this thing turned on?”

Me: “But… that’s… that’s not a debit card. Do you have a debit card?”

Customer: “I’m TRYING! But it won’t work!”

Me: “It’s plastic? Kinda rectangle-shaped? Has your bank name on it?”

Customer: “Why won’t it work?”

Me: “You know what? I don’t think that one is working. Do you have another one? Sometimes these machines won’t like a card for no real reason. It happens.”

Customer: “Oh ya? I get that at my work too…”

(She proceeds to put away the quarter and pulls out a loonie instead.)

Me: “Ma’am, I think I see the problem now. All of our card systems are down. They must have crashed with all the people buying things today. Do you have cash instead?”

Customer: “Sure, no problem.” *pulls out 20 dollar bill* “Keep the change. It’s only a few dollars anyway. I don’t want it….”

Me: “Sure, thanks!”

(She wanders off to pass out in the bathroom for three hours but I just couldn’t bring myself to call the cops on her.)

Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 3

, , , | Right | October 26, 2008

Me: “What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I want a small popcorn, and don’t try to upsell me a medium!”

Me: “Can I interest you in a large then?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”


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Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reindeer

, , , | Right | October 23, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name] in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My left boob popped.”

Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

Customer: “The water kind.”

Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

Customer: “My boyfriend and I were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

Me: “…a diode?”

Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… He uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

Me: “…and this is the implant’s fault, how?”

Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

Customer: *click*

My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy

, , , | Right | October 23, 2008

(This is before same-sex marriage had been legalized.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiancé to my insurance.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiancé to your coverage until you get married.”

Customer: “So… those f****** f****ts can get benefits, but I can’t?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married; they don’t.”

Customer: “Those f****** f****ts, f****** us over anyway they can!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the option to get married; they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

Right Next To The Special Chinese Gefilte Fish

, , , | Right | October 23, 2008

Customer: “Miss, I need some ranch for my crab rangoon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am, we don’t serve ranch here.”

Customer: “What kind of god-d**ned Chinese restaurant doesn’t have ranch? What? You don’t have barbeque sauce either?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. I’m very sorry. I could walk down to the pizza place next door and get you a container of ranch.”

Customer: “NO! I WANT YOUR SPECIAL CHINESE RANCH!”

Me: “Ma’am, we do not serve ‘special Chinese ranch.’ I’m very sorry, but like I said, I ca–”

Customer: “WHATEVER, YOU G**D**NED C**T!” *storms out*


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