(A client is on the phone. They are well-known for calling several times a day.)

Client: “Is [Attorney] there? I need to speak with him. It’s urgent!”

Me: “He is unavailable, but he told me he will call you as soon as he can.”

(Fifteen minutes later…)

Client: “I need to speak with [Attorney] right now!”

Me: “He can’t talk with you right now. He will call when he can.”

(Fifteen minutes later…)

Client: “Can I speak with [Attorney] now?”

Me: “No, he is in the middle of something, but he will call you when he can.”

Client: “You know, you are starting to sound like a broken record!”

This story is part of our Bad-Listener Customers roundup!

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(A customer pays at the window and continues to sit there.)

Customer: “We could run away together.”

Me: “Uhm…”

Customer: “But we wouldn’t get very far. I don’t have any legs.”

Me: *noticing the handicap tags on the mirror* “How are you driving?”

Customer: “It’s a secret.” *drives away*

This story is part of the Even-Stranger-Customers roundup!

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Customer: “Excuse me, why do you sell live crickets?”

Me: “They’re bought as food for Jackson Chameleons, birds, and other animals. They have to be sold live because Jackson Chameleons have poor eyesight and can only see their food if it’s moving.”

Customer: “That’s terrible! So they’re just going to die?”

Me: “Well, chameleons have to eat, too. But it’s okay. It happens so fast that the crickets won’t see it coming.”

Customer: “That’s so cruel! Why doesn’t someone tell them?! If I was going to be eaten, I’d certainly want to know!”

This story is part of the American States roundup!

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(I work in the barn, where I explain the rules of our corn maze. There are usually two or three horses in there as well, one of which is white.)

Customer: “That is a beautiful unicorn.”

Me: “He’s a handsome boy all right. Just missing the horn. You can pat him if you like.”

Customer: “But he is white, and strong like unicorn! They are very strong.”

Me: “He would make a very nice unicorn. He’s a Percheron, though, so no horn.”

Customer: “He must hide his horn, to protect! He cannot always be a unicorn!”

This story is part of our Unicorn roundup!

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Me: “So, are you looking to upgrade your phone?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Any model of phone in particular?”

Customer: “Well, I had an LG Erection, and I want to get another one because the first one died.”

This story is part of our Smartphone roundup!

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