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Destroying America, One Backwards Part At A Time

, , , | Right | May 5, 2009

(I’m working the returns desk when a man comes in carrying a half-assembled bookshelf and its box and slams it on my counter.)

Me: “Hi, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve had it with this.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ve spent six hours. SIX HOURS! I’m trying to get this together; my kids are crying because it doesn’t look cool. I’ve tried it every way, and I’m not incapable, but this is impossible!”

Me: “Hmm, it looks like some of the pieces were manufactured wrong. This appears to be upside down and this one the holes aren’t on the right side.”

Customer: “That’s not the problem. The problem is someone pissed off an employee in China and he’s taking it out on me!”

Third Time’s A Charm For A Two-Faced One Track Mind

, , , | Right | May 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Phone Company]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Um, yeah, my phone stopped working. I need you guys to fix that for me.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. May I ask what exactly is the problem?”

Caller: “Well, the Internet on my phone quit working a few days ago.”

Me: “Okay, I can definitely help you out with that. I do need your mobile phone number, please…”

(The customer gives me his number, and I discover that his phone is not compatible with the Internet plan on his account. Furthermore, he can not change it because the account is not in his name.)

Me: “…okay, so you understand why we cannot change that, right?”

Caller: “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks anyway, man.”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. Thank you very much for choosing [Phone Company]. You have a wonderful day, sir.”

(This is where things get interesting. Instead of hanging up, I immediately hear the following…)

Female Voice: “Aw, baby, what’s wrong?”

Caller: “This f****** douchebag won’t fix my god-d*** phone! I’ve had this d***ed thing for three years, never had a problem with it, now this f*** wont help me out!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir? You never actually hung up the phone. Might I suggest we do that now before anything else is said?”

Caller: *brief pause* “…oh, my God! I am so sorry! Oh, my God, sir, please don’t turn off my phone! PLEASE!”

Me: “Not a problem. Just please remember to hang up the phone, okay?”

(I wait for him to hang up a second time, but again, he doesn’t…)

Caller: “I can’t believe that f****** p***k stayed on the phone! What was he trying to do?! A**hole! I mean, can’t he freaking help a guy out?!”

Female Voice: *quietly* “I think you’re on speakerphone…”

Me: “Excuse me, sir? You forgot to hang up again.”

Caller: “S***! GIMME A BREAK!” *click*

Why Guidance Counselors Shouldn’t Drink

, , | Right | May 4, 2009

(I am running a bocce ball tournament, and this guest starts talking to me while I am trying to watch the game and keep score.)

Guest: “You make a lot of money?”

Me: “I make enough.”

Guest: “You know, strippers make a lot of money. I heard of one who makes a thousand dollars a night.”

Me: “Wow.”

Guest: “How old are you?”

Me: “18.”

Guest: “Yeah, you should start now, before s*** starts to sag.”

Me: “…thanks for the advice.”

Guest: “No problem.”

What You See Is What You Can’t Comprehend

, , | Right | May 4, 2009

(The hotel was hosting a conference. At lunchtime, I was serving at the dessert table which had a variety of different desserts and a large fruit bowl with a pineapple as the centerpiece.)

Man: “Is that pineapple real?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, yes it is. We put it there just as decoration, but I could get the chef to cut it up for you if you’d like.”

Man: “No, I just wondered… How about those apples, are they real?”

Me: “Yes they are; all the fruit is real. Actually, we aren’t allowed to use fake fruit in decorating here anymore.”

Man: “Really? Why not?”

Me: “Because people kept trying to eat them and hurt their mouths.”

Man: “You’re joking! How could they not tell the difference?”

Me: “I… don’t know, sir. Did you want any dessert?”

Man: “Um… are the strawberries real?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Man: “Hmm, they look pretty real. I’ll have some of those.”

Consideration Is Key

, , | Right | May 4, 2009

(A customer comes through the drive-thru two minutes before close and orders seven blended drinks. She starts talking to me through the window as I’m working on her drinks.)

Customer: “Isn’t it so annoying when people come through ordering blended beverages right before close?”

Me: *politely* “Well, it’s not too much of a hassle. It just takes a while to make each of them, that’s all.”

Customer: “Oh. Then I’d like to order four more, please. And can you hurry? I’m late for work.”

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