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A Wing And A Praline Conveyor

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2009

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, my daughter is right outside her flight but they won’t let her on. She has a pet bird she’s taking with her as her carry-on, and I KNOW we have it cleared so she can do that!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, one moment while I pull up your daughter’s flight information.”

(I look through the information, and it’s all there. She has permission to take the little pet bird onto the plane as long as she keeps it in her lap. Curious about what the issue could be, I call up the person at the desk at her flight. After a moment of talking, I return to the caller on the phone.)

Me: “Ma’am, I found out what the problem is.”

Caller: “There shouldn’t be a problem! My daughter has permission to take her bird on the plane with her!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take a pet bird on a plane in a cookie jar…”

There’s No Time Like The Present

, , , , | Right | October 14, 2009

(I’m finishing a transaction for a supermarket customer; she’s just handed me her check but I notice an error.)

Me: “Um, ma’am, if I could just have you fix this part right here–”

Customer: “What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “Well, this is 2009, ma’am.”

Customer: “So what?”

Me: “Well, you wrote the date as August 29, 3009, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re telling me! I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Me: “No, of course you didn’t. It was an honest mistake. If you just cross out the ‘3’ in ‘3019’ and write a ‘2’ over it, that’ll do just fine.”

Customer: “You know, every time I come in here I do EVERYTHING right! Every time! You’re the new girl! You think it’s a coincidence that I suddenly start getting the year wrong?! Every time!”

Trial By Hire

, , , | Right | October 14, 2009

(I’ve just been hired as a cashier and it’s my first day. Halfway through my shift, I get called to go to the manager’s office. In the office is another man.)

Manager: “Ah, there you are. Thanks for coming over so quickly.”

Me: “No problem, what’s up?”

Manager: “This here is Henry. I’d like you to help him find the items on his grocery list and help him with whatever he may need.”

Henry: “Hello.”

Me: “Hey. Well, shall we get started?”

(Henry holds up a fake mustache and begins speaking in a British accent.)

Henry: “This the best you could hire?! This place is becoming worse every week!”

Manager: *to me* “Can I talk to you outside for a second?”

Me: “Sure…”

(We go outside and my manager explains to me that when Henry holds up his mustache, he is British and his name is Hensley.)

Manager: “Just take him around and help him get his stuff.”

Me: “Will do…”

(We start off finding him tea.)

Me: “All right, our tea is right over here.”

Henry: “Let’s see… green tea… green tea… ah. Here it is!”

(The mustache goes up as he reaches for the tea.)

Hensley: “I don’t want green tea.”

(The mustache goes down.)

Henry: “Must you be so picky?!”

(The mustache goes up.)

Hensley: “It isn’t my fault you have such terrible taste!”

(The mustache goes down.)

Henry: “Fine, what kind of tea do you want?!”

(The mustache goes up.)

Hensley: “I’m not sure.”

(This goes on for a grueling, long, painful 37 items. After two hours of this and a full cart, we head for the checkout.)

Henry: “Thank you so much for being so patient with us.”

Me: “Glad I could help you two out!”

(The mustache goes up.)

Hensley: “Yes, thank you ever so much for the assistance. Don’t let us hold you up, dearie. Off you go… shoo, shoo!”

Me: “All right. Take care.”

(I head to the manager’s office, where several coworkers are also waiting.)

Me: “What the h*** was that for? Some sort of hazing?”

Manager: “Nope, he comes in every four days and buys the exact same stuff. Good way to test new employees!”

(So far they’ve tried this on five other new people while I’ve worked here. They all lost their temper and were fired. Henry/Hensley asks for me every few visits and he is a regular customer of mine now. Well, a not-so-regular customer…)


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Miss Diagnosis

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2009

Me: “Welcome, how can I be of assistance?”

Patient: “I think my son has Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Liza Minnelli?”

Patient: “Yes! I think he has Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Um… how did he contract it?”

Patient: “He ate the raw chicken on the counter! I’m telling you, it’s Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Oh, you must mean salmonella.”

Patient: “No, I mean Liza Minnelli!”

Me: “Right, then. The doctor will see you now.”

(The doctor sees the patient’s child and tells her that it is salmonella and not Liza Minnelli. On her way out…)

Patient: “I still think it’s called Liza Minnelli.”

Sometimes On The John But Always On The Job

, , , | Right | October 13, 2009

(I’m taking a restroom break in one of our single-person restrooms. I am also male. A female customer breaks the flimsy lock and barges in.)

Me: “Whoa! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to use the restroom. Your door handle was broken.”

Me: “Ma’am, it was locked, and there is another restroom for women to use right next to you!”

Customer: “Huh? I didn’t notice that before.”

(She continues to stand there for a bit, while I’m still covering myself up.)

Me: “Um, I was hoping to use the restroom. Can you please close the door and let me finish?”

Customer: “Actually, I was wondering if you could help me find the baking stuff?”

Me: “I can’t; I’m using the restroom. Can’t you see that?”

Customer: “Good Lord, I’m never coming back here! Your service is awful!”


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