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One Gets You High Speed, The Other Just Gets You High

, , , , | Right | June 6, 2008

Coworker: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need LSD for my son. You have that, right?”

Coworker: “Uh?”

Customer: “You know, that high-speed Internet thing…”

Coworker: *trying not to laugh* “You mean DSL?”


This story is part of our dangerous parents roundup!

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They Should Also Slice, Dice And Julienne Fries

, , , , | Right | June 6, 2008

Customer: “I am looking for some heels, in white. They also have to be dressy, like for a wedding…”

Me: “No problem… we have some over here.”

Customer: “But I need to be able to hike in them because it’s outdoors.”

Me: “Uhh, maybe if we looked over here…”

Customer: “It also has be open, kind of like a sandal.”

Me: “We have some nice hiking sandals…”

Customer: “But it has to be waterproof because it rains a lot where we are and I need something to keep the water out.”

Me: “This might be difficult.”

Customer: “Oh! And it has to be super comfortable, with excellent arch support.”

Me: “We’re kind of limited here…”

Customer: “And no backstraps, because I have plantar fasciitis and backstraps will just hurt all day.”

Me: “So you are looking for a white pair of waterproof hiking sandals with no backstrap, but with heels and excellent arch support?”

Customer: “You forgot comfortable.”

Me: “I am sorry, could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I said I needed them to be super comfortable.”

Me: “And you’re serious? Have you ever seen shoes like this anywhere else?”

Customer: “Well, I would think that’s your job.”

Me: “I thought so too, but then again I am not a magician.”

Customer: “That is very offensive! I demand to speak to your manager!”

(Naturally, the manager was called, who promptly proceeded to laugh her out of the store.)

Some Questions Should Never Be Asked

, , , , , | Right | June 6, 2008

Me: “Costume Design & Rental. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, do you guys have any costumes?”

Me: “Yes, we have a 5,000 square foot warehouse.”

Caller: “And do you rent them?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “How much is it?”

Me: “It depends on what kind of costume are you looking for.”

Caller: “I don’t know… Can’t you just tell me how much it is?”

Me: “Not without knowing what you want, no.”

Caller: “Fine, whatever.” *click*

(Ten minutes later, they call back.)

Me: “Costume Design & Rental. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have any giant penis costumes?”

Me: “Uh… no. I don’t think we do.”

Caller: “Darn.” *click*

One Track Rind

, , | Right | June 5, 2008

Customer: “Yes, I’d like twenty slices.”

Me: “Would you like that thinly or regularly sliced, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, twenty slices.”

Me: “Okay, and how would you like your twenty slices sliced, ma’am?”

Customer: “Twenty slices.”

Me: “Ma’am, would you like those slices THIN or REGULAR?”

Customer: “Yes, twenty slices.”

Me: “Alright, regular it is.”

Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

, , , , , , | Right | June 5, 2008

(Standing in line behind a tourist, while she is getting rung up.)

Cashier: “Aloha, how are you today?”

Tourist: “Oh, I’m sorry; I don’t speak Spanish. Could you talk in English, please?”

Cashier: “Hello, how are you today?”

Tourist: “Fine. We just flew here from America today.”

(The cashier rings up the tourist’s few items.)

Cashier: “That will be twenty-five dollars and eighty-five cents.”

Tourist: “Do you take American money here? I only have American money. I have not been able to get to the currency exchange yet.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, we are in the United States. We take dollars here.”

Tourist: “Oh, really? You take this money?” *holds up her $20 bill*

Cashier: “Yes, ma’am. Those are dollars, and being a US state we do accept those.”

Tourist: “Well that’s very nice of you to accept foreign money.”

Cashier: *puzzled* “Mahalo. Have a great day!”

Tourist: *under her breath* “I told her I didn’t speak Spanish!”