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In Fact, I Can’t Believe That It Took This Long

, , , , | Related | March 7, 2018

(My dad is a terrible driver. He’s constantly speeding, texting and driving, and swerving all over the road. Heck, I even caught him BOOKING A FLIGHT on his phone while he was driving once! One day, he gets pulled over out of state, and immediately contacts his lawyer. My sister happens to work for his lawyer, and she relays this conversation between them to me.)

Dad: “You’re not going to believe this, but I just got a speeding ticket.”

Lawyer: “Actually, [Dad], I can believe that.”

It Finally Clicked

, , , , | Right | March 7, 2018

(I work client support for a software company that has a mobile app. The following conversation happens with a client:)

Client: “How do I reset my password? The email has a link that says, ‘Click here to reset your password.’ I don’t know what I am supposed to do.”

Me: “Click on the link that says, ‘Click here to reset your password.'”

Client: “That worked! Great!”

A Depressing Statistic

, , , , | Healthy | March 7, 2018

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I have severe ADD and take Ritalin. I have been seeing a psychiatrist every six months for over a decade because it’s necessary to keep my prescription up, but normally we don’t do anything else. He asks me if I’m having side effects, I say no, he asks how school, work, or whatever is going, I tell him, he writes me a new prescription, and we’re done.)

Doctor: “And how are your classes going?”

Me: “Pretty well, except for this one lab where the whole grade is based on group work and my groupmates have disappeared…”

(I’m very frustrated with my classmates, and as I explain the problem with the lab, I start crying.)

Doctor: “Here, take these tissues! I had no idea you were so depressed. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine, and I want you to come back in a week for a follow-up.”

Me: “What? No, I’m just sleep-deprived! Your office is an hour from my house, and you get behind schedule so fast that my mom insists I book an appointment at seven am. I had to get up at 5:30 to be here! I’m a night owl; I get up at 10 or 11 if I don’t have anything I have to do earlier. I always cry too easily when I’m tired.”

(He doesn’t believe me and prescribes the medication, anyway. A week later, I’m back in his office.)

Doctor: “How are you feeling? If we need to, we can adjust the dosage before your next follow-up next week.”

Me: “Fine, like I was before, when I had slept. I know antidepressants take a while to kick in, but I don’t think these are ever going to affect me, because I’m not depressed. And I really can’t afford to keep experimenting with them; you know I don’t have insurance.”

Doctor: “I tried to find the cheapest antidepressants I could. I thought these were only about $10 a bottle.”

Me: “Come here. I want to tell you a secret.”

(He comes closer.)

Me: “You know those nice ladies behind the window in your lobby? They make people give them money before we can talk to you.”

(It had never occurred to him that visiting a psychiatrist every week instead of every six months might be a little pricey! I went off the antidepressants and am fine, as long as I don’t have to get up before dawn. Doctors, I know that lots of people really are depressed and it’s a serious problem, but people also know their own bodies, minds, and situations. It helps to listen.)

Banned From Getting The Band

, , , , , | Working | March 7, 2018

(My fiancé and I have decided, two weeks prior to our wedding, to finally go to the jewelry store and pick out wedding bands. As we both dislike most jewelry, we have decided on getting plain, white gold bands to match my single-stone, white gold, 1.5-carat Moissanite ring. We decide to check out a jeweler in the department store I work at, meaning I would get an employee discount. We’d gone to another jeweler for the Moissanite, because the one at the department store doesn’t have Moissanite rings, and I am very specific about not having a diamond.)

Me: “My fiancé and I are looking for wedding bands. We want simple—”

Clerk: *grabs my hand* “Oh, what a gorgeous diamond! I have several wedding bands that will match!”

(She drops my hand and goes to a nearby jewelry case. Within 45 seconds, she brings out a gigantic onyx and diamond monstrosity for him, and a silver, three-stone, two-carat engagement ring for me.)

Clerk: “This is only $3,560! A steal at that price!”

Me: “What I was trying to say is that we would like plain, white gold wedding bands. No stones; I’d prefer my Moissanite to stand out on its own.”

Fiancé: “Yeah, those aren’t even an option based on the stones alone. And that looks like an engagement ring. Also, she works at [Department Store], so we were wondering about the employee discount?”

Clerk: “Yeah, it’s an engagement ring. It’ll work; I promise. I mean, you could always get rid of that single stone; it’s too small.”

(She briefly explains the discount. Over the next half-hour or so, she shows us about ten different options at decreasing price points that are not anywhere near what we wanted, promising each time that we’ll like her selection and that she’ll get us what we want. I clarify several times that we would really like to see plain rings. At one point, I notice a full case of plain rings right behind her, on the back wall of the store. I ask her about the case, and she ignores me. I am getting increasingly irate, and in response to her showing me a $599 engagement ring and wedding band set and sneering at me with disgust as she does so, I finally snap:)

Me:As I have stated, several times, I would love to see any of your plain. White. Gold. Rings. Don’t bother showing me another one. I’m sure that [Competitor], the place I bought my Moissanite from — with my fiancé — would be able to give us what we want.”

(She ignores me, of course, so she produces yet another diamond encrusted piece of “f*** this.” A $200 wedding band, at this point. She glares at me. I turn and walk out without another word.)

Fiancé: “You have done a fantastic job at ignoring everything we’ve stated. Goodbye.”

(Less than five minutes later, we arrive at the competitor.)

Me: “Hi! We were looking for wedding bands.”

Jeweler: “Of course! I have an entire case right here. What were you looking for? We have silver, white gold, gold, 14k, 10k, with stones…”

Fiancé: “Ah, just plain, and white gold to match her ring.”

(After a brief exchange of information to bring up my account:)

Jeweler: “Oh, what a beautiful Moissanite!”

Me: “Thank you! I get asked, ‘Is it real?’ all the time, and I’m like, ‘Yes, it does exist!’”

Jeweler: *laughs* “Very good choice, I must say. Your ring is a 14k, but I recommend a 10-carat for you, sir.”

Fiancé: “Excellent, thanks!”

(We selected our rings, and our transaction was processed within 15 minutes of our arrival in the store. We got a better deal with them than anything I was being offered at the other place, so I was quite happy. As we were walking past their shop-front, I saw the woman in her shop. She glared at me with her arms crossed. I smiled and waved at her with the hand that was holding my new ring.)

Not Even My Customer And I’m Getting Grief

, , , , | Right | March 7, 2018

(I work for a small Internet company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling B-Tape. My name is [My Name]. How can I assist you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I haven’t gotten my order, and I ordered last week. Can you track it?”

Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have the order number?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I can’t find that order. I can try with your email.”

Customer: “Sure, it’s [email].”

Me: “I can’t find it with that email. I can try with your address.”

(I cannot for the life of me find this lady’s information, no matter what she gives me. I am trying for eight minutes because she is so adamant this is an order with us.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I could not find your order or an account. Are you sure you placed it with us? Maybe it was with another company. We are B-Tape.”

Customer: “Look, you took my money. I just want my order. I placed it with you last week. YOU HAVE MY MONEY. So, where is MY ORDER?!”

Me: “I will be more than happy to give you this information, but I do need to find your account. Was it under another email, by chance? Or maybe another shipping address?”

Customer: “My billing address is my shipping address. And I only have one d*** email. I’ll find it; watch!”

Me: “Sure. If you can let me know which department it was sent from, I can confirm the order number on my end, too.”

Customer: “It says it right here, ‘Order [number], placed Tuesday, with T-Stamp.’”

Me: “Oh, I see what happened. We’re actually B-Tape. That’s why I couldn’t find your order. You ordered from another company. I can Google their call center number so you can call them directly after we hang up.”

Customer: “But I already have you on the phone. So, why aren’t you giving me my order. Are you guys a scam? Like fraud?”

Me: “No. We’re B-Tape. B like ‘boy.’ You ordered from T-Stamp.”

Customer: “Yes, T like ‘toy.’ That’s your company. I’m not stupid.”

Me: “There’s some confusion. We both have similar names. But we’re spelled B like ‘Bobby,’ T-A-P-E. You ordered from T like ‘toy,’ S-T-A-M-P.”

Customer: “Oh, wow. If you knew I had the wrong place, why didn’t you tell me?!”

(She muttered about me wasting her long distance and hung up on me after 15 minutes.)