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Dude, Where’s My Brain

, , , | Right | July 23, 2009

(Two guys walk into our video rental store, find their video, and come up to pay.)

Coworker: “What’s your phone number?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s [phone number].”

Coworker: “Okay, so, [Customer]?”

Customer’s Friend: “Holy s***, man, he knows your name!” *turns to my coworker* “Dude, what’s my name?!”

Coworker: “…”

Customer: “Dude, I have an account here.”

Customer’s Friend: “Oh. I’m going to go wait in the car…”

Haute Cuisine In A Value Meal

, , | Right | July 23, 2009

Me: *in the drive-thru* “Hello, welcome to [Fast Food Place]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, hi, I was just wondering, what are your apple slices?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand the question. Are you asking for the price?”

Customer: “No, I want to know what they are. On the menu it says ‘apple slices’. What are they?”

Me: “They’re… slices of apple, sir.”

Customer: “That’s it?”

Me: “Yes sir.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought maybe they were something fancier than that. Never mind.”

Jingle H*lls

, , , | Right | July 23, 2009

(An older woman and her husband approach me during the Christmas season.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a baby Jesus for my nativity scene.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We’re currently out of baby Jesus.”

Customer: *to husband* “You hear that?! They’re all out of d*** baby Jesuses!”


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Betsy Ross 2.0

, , , , | Right | July 23, 2009

(A customer has been staring doubtfully at one of our wall maps of the United States. I witness him frowning speculatively and then counting each state slowly.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “It seems your map of the U.S. is out of date. There aren’t enough states.”

Me: “Hmm. That’s odd. Let me see.”

(I examine the map, but can find nothing amiss.)

Me: “Nope, it looks perfect to me. Is there something I’m missing?”

Customer: “Yeah, there’s only fifty states on this map.”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “But there are fifty-two states. Alaska and Hawaii were fifty-one and fifty-two. They’re on the map; I just can’t figure out which ones are missing…”

Me: “…none of them are missing, sir. The United States has only fifty states. Look, we have flags too. For every state, there’s a star.”

(He proceeds to count every star on the flag. In disgust, he puts the flag away.)

Customer: “Your flags are out of date, too! I’m telling you there are fifty-two states in the USA! You need to update your merchandise and learn about your country!” *storms out*

Butthead, The Incontinence Years

, , , , | Right | July 23, 2009

(I notice a customer is standing in front of a freezer. After remaining there for several minutes, I get concerned.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

(At this point, I notice that he’s urinated in the freezer. The customer turns around, zips up his fly, and then pulls his shirt over his head.)

Customer: “I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR ME BUNGHOLE!” *runs away*

Coworker: “They don’t pay us enough for this.”