(I am a clerk at a local mom-and-pop gas station and convenience store. A couple with a young child walks into the store after I’ve already cleaned out our warmer of prepared food items, as we do when it’s late in the shift.)

Man: “So, no food?”

Me: “Not in the warmer, no, but we do have sandwiches in the cooler.”

Man: “Aw, but I wanted something hot!”

Me: “Well, we have a microwave you are welcome to use to heat up any of the sandwiches.”

Man: “Don’t you know those things give you cancer?”

Me: *under my breath* “So, just stand back, then.”

Man: “Never mind.” *turns to woman* “Do we need any cigarettes today?”

Me: “…” *blinks*

(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

(I see a job that isn’t in my field and apply. It has a note saying they will train and that no experience is necessary. I call their number.)

Me: “Hello, I’m calling about the job?”

Guy: “Yeah… Do you have experience?”

Me: “No, but it said you will train.”

(He let out a mocking laugh and hung up. I sure wish I could report him for false advertisement, to warn others!)

(I work for a community-oriented weekly newspaper company that owns multiple publications, but all of them come from the same office. One of our publications has a similar name to a rival newspaper that gets delivered daily, which sometimes causes confusion. It’s a free publication that we deliver to some neighborhoods and businesses each week, but specific homes can call to request not to receive the paper.)

Me: “Hi. This is [Company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I have called you five times in the last month, and you still keep delivering your paper to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. There must be some confusion with our distribution department or our drivers. Could I get your address, so I can make sure our distribution manager has it? He’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Caller: “If you don’t stop delivering the paper to my house, I’m going to sue you all. I’ve already called the city, and they’re looking into taking action against your company.”

Me: “Sir, if you give me your address, I can make sure it doesn’t happen.”

Caller: “It gets delivered to me every day.”

Me: “Sir, are you sure you’re not receiving [Rival Newspaper]? I know it has a similar name to ours.”

Caller: “No, it’s you guys!”

Me: “Sir, we only deliver our paper once a week.”

Caller: “You tell your distribution manager that if this doesn’t stop, I’m going to find out where he lives and dump all the newspapers I’ve acquired on his lawn.”

Me: “Okay! Go for it, sir!”

When I was in high school Spanish class, we had progress sheets that we would mark every day. They used one- and two-letter codes, depending on what we had done that day: “ME” (“mucho esfuerzo,” much effort) for going above and beyond in class; “V” (“voluntario,” volunteer) for volunteering, A (“ausente,” absent) if we weren’t in class that day, and PP (“poca participacion,” little participation) for doing poorly in class. The word for, “give yourself,” in Spanish is “date,” (pronounced “DAH-tay”), so the teacher would say “Date [Mark]” to students who had earned a certain mark.

He told us of one time when he wrote the phrase out on the board in order to tell a student to give themselves an “ME” mark. When he realized he’d written, “DATE ME,” on the board, both he and the student were embarrassed. At least they got a good laugh out of it.