(A female customer orders three six-foot-long boards. When she leaves, she looks happy with her purchase. She returns around an hour later, very angry, hitting her boards across the doorway.)

Customer: “DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MEASURE PROPERLY, DUMBA**?”

Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered three six-foot-long boards for my shelving, not three twelve-foot-long boards! I want a d*** refund and my new boards free!”

(I look at the boards. There is no way they could be twelve feet long.)

Me: “These look like they’re the correct length.”

Customer: “NO, THEY’RE NOT, YOU LITTLE S***. LOOK!”

(She pulls out a smartphone and opens a photo of a ruler in her gallery. She slides the phone across the board, counting.)

Customer: “SEE? SEE? IT’S DOUBLE WHAT I ASKED FOR!”

Me: “…”

(I’m in Spanish class, and my teacher is having us form words into grammatically correct Spanish sentences.)

Teacher: *pointing to some words with a picture of a girl blowing bubbles with a bubble wand* “This sentence should translate to, ‘She blows them.'”

(A woman and two small children come up to the counter with a cardboard box.)

Woman: “Hello. My children found this turtle in a nearby pond and I want to know how to take care of it.”

Me: “I normally recommend leaving wild animals where they are.”

Woman: “They really want to keep him. Will you help us or not?”

Me: *groaning internally* “Okay, let me get a look at the little guy.”

Woman: *removes the lid* “What do you suggest?”

Me: “Yeah, you’re going to want to put him back.”

Woman: “What? My boys are attached to him and you want me to take him away from them?!”

Me: “That’s a snapping turtle. He’s going to move from feeder fish to fingers really fast.”

Woman: “Any recommendations on where to release him?”

(A mother comes up to my register with her young daughter, who looks no more than two years old. Everything is going normally until the customer’s daughter starts to wander toward a candy display a few feet away.)

Customer: “Hey! Do I hear a skeleton?”

(The little girl freezes and turns to her mother with a look of terror.)

Customer: “Do you see any skeletons? You’d better stay by Mommy!”

(At this, the little girl runs back to her mother and clings to her leg, on the verge of tears as her eyes keep darting around the store looking for “skeletons.”)

Customer: *laughs and turns back to me* “She got really scared by a Halloween decoration a few weeks ago. It’s the best for keeping her from misbehaving!”

(I looked back at the shaking toddler and had nothing to say… That poor, traumatized little girl!)

(I live in downtown, about two blocks away from our county fairgrounds. It’s Saturday night during a fair, and I have my windows open to let in the cooler air. I’m watching a Harry Potter movie. With my window open, you can see the television from the street. There’s a knock on my door. I open it to see a boy of about ten standing there.)

Me: “Um… Hello.”

Boy: “I want to watch the movie! Mom says to stay here while she goes out.”

Me: “Sorry, kid. I don’t know you. You need to go back to your mom.”

Boy: *pouts but leaves*

(Ten minutes later, there’s a pounding on my door.)

Mom: “I TOLD HIM HE COULD WATCH YOUR MOVIE! Just let him hang out here while I visit the bars! It’ll only be a couple hours.”

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you people, and you don’t know me. How do you know I’m not a child sex offender? If you want a free babysitter, call a friend or family member.”

Mom: “NO! It’s tourist season, and you all have to make us feel at home! Now, do your part and let him in!”

Me: “Yeah… No. Get out of here before I take your picture and send it to the cops. We’re a small town. They love hearing about neglected kids.”

(She scowled at me but finally left. The boy was still whining about wanting to watch my movie. There a lot of sickos out there, people! Keep an eye on your kids during big events.)