(I work in the call center for my movie theater.)

Me: “Hi! Thank you for choosing [Theater]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Hi. Your showtimes aren’t showing up in today’s paper. Can you fix this?”

Me: “Um… Sir?”

Caller: “It’s still not saying any showtimes. Did you fix it? Do I have to buy a new newspaper?”

Me: “Um, sir, that’s not how the newspaper works.”

Caller: “Well, that’s stupid. It’s 2018 already; can’t you just fix it?!” *click*

(I’m not sure what he wanted me to do, but I can’t believe that I had to explain a newspaper to an adult.)

(During one of our weekly phone calls, my mom tells me about various friends of hers who have bad health situations. I don’t know every person she is talking about, but it’s sobering news, anyway. Then, she tells me that a family friend died, and I’m speechless. My mom and I have another phone conversation several days later.)

Mom: “I really need to get back in contact with [Family Friend]. The last time we talked on the phone was–“

Me: “Wait, wait. You’re trying to call [Family Friend]?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Me: “You told me last week that she passed away!”

Mom: *pause* “Did I really say that?”

Me: “Yes! I just heard about her cancer last month, so I was really surprised when you said she already passed.”

Mom: “Oh. Well, I’m sorry for the misinformation. She’s resurrected now.”

(It turns out a different person had passed away. With so much bad news flying around, it seems she mixed up the names… but what a mix-up!)

(A female customer orders three six-foot-long boards. When she leaves, she looks happy with her purchase. She returns around an hour later, very angry, hitting her boards across the doorway.)

Customer: “DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MEASURE PROPERLY, DUMBA**?”

Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered three six-foot-long boards for my shelving, not three twelve-foot-long boards! I want a d*** refund and my new boards free!”

(I look at the boards. There is no way they could be twelve feet long.)

Me: “These look like they’re the correct length.”

Customer: “NO, THEY’RE NOT, YOU LITTLE S***. LOOK!”

(She pulls out a smartphone and opens a photo of a ruler in her gallery. She slides the phone across the board, counting.)

Customer: “SEE? SEE? IT’S DOUBLE WHAT I ASKED FOR!”

Me: “…”

(I’m in Spanish class, and my teacher is having us form words into grammatically correct Spanish sentences.)

Teacher: *pointing to some words with a picture of a girl blowing bubbles with a bubble wand* “This sentence should translate to, ‘She blows them.'”

(A woman and two small children come up to the counter with a cardboard box.)

Woman: “Hello. My children found this turtle in a nearby pond and I want to know how to take care of it.”

Me: “I normally recommend leaving wild animals where they are.”

Woman: “They really want to keep him. Will you help us or not?”

Me: *groaning internally* “Okay, let me get a look at the little guy.”

Woman: *removes the lid* “What do you suggest?”

Me: “Yeah, you’re going to want to put him back.”

Woman: “What? My boys are attached to him and you want me to take him away from them?!”

Me: “That’s a snapping turtle. He’s going to move from feeder fish to fingers really fast.”

Woman: “Any recommendations on where to release him?”