(I’m in PE with a substitute teacher. He’s told us all to sit on the floor near him, and he starts talking loudly and angrily. It is the week of the shooting in Parkland, Florida.)

Teacher: “What I’ve seen here is ridiculous. You are all seriously out of shape. It’s not your fault, but this school is the worst school I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to a lot. You’re out of breath after jogging for just a few minutes?! I’m going to see what I can do to become your permanent teacher, since your current one might have a job somewhere else. This is awful. It’s because of classes like this that people get the idea to shoot up a school. You get the students that no one likes, no one will talk to… PE teaches collaboration, teamwork, and it gets everyone involved. Exercise is necessary for the brain to work. I bet if they looked at that school shooter’s life, they’d see he rarely exercised. Did you see that picture of him? He looks like a kid who’d shoot up a school. People avoided him and ignored him, and look what happened. People who don’t exercise are the ones who go and shoot up schools. I have to say, this class has disappointed me. You deserve better.”

(To make matters worse, that was the first I’d heard about the shooting. For the rest of class, he acted like nothing had happened, so I decided to let it go. But sure enough, the next time he subbed for our class, he went on a similar rant. The whole thing scared me to death, since I’m not able to exercise much due to several medical conditions. Plus, the way he told it made no logical sense and only served to scare the crap out of us. I don’t know what he hoped to achieve with that rant.)

(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)

Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”

Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”

(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)

Me: “Well, not good good.”

Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”

(It is maybe thirty minutes before we close the drive-thru, and the inside has been closed for the past hour. This customer has been rude the whole time and has been demanding fresh chicken, fries, etc., so we have to cook everything. Finally, she leaves with her food. Five minutes later, one of my coworkers cleaning the inside walks up.)

Coworker: “Hey, there is a lady banging on the locked door and screaming.”

(We look outside, and it is the same customer.)

Manager: *walks up to the locked door and says through it* “I can’t open this door. The inside is closed. Pull around to the drive-thru.”

(She screams in rage, demanding to be let in as my manager walks away. Eventually, she pulls up to the window.)

Customer: “You have some nerve! I ordered a twelve-piece, and you did not give me two of my pieces of chicken, and then you treated me so rudely! I demand both pieces be breasts, and I demand a full refund!”

Manager: “Let me have the box of chicken, please, so I can put in the two breasts for you.”

(He takes the box THAT HE PACKED and counts it. He then realizes that he DID, in fact, make a mistake. He accidentally put fourteen pieces in, instead of twelve. So, he takes out the two extra pieces, packs everything up, and hands it back to the customer.)

Customer: “You’re still short!”

Manager: *opens the box and audibly counts the chicken* “You ordered twelve, and you have twelve pieces of chicken. Please leave.”

(The thing is, if she had been nice, we would have just believed her and put two pieces in a bag for her without checking if she was right. By being a jerk, she actually lost chicken)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes, I can’t believe this item is on sale! And then there is another 25% off coupon on top of that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that coupon is not good on [Sale] items.”

Customer: “This is not a [Sale] item!!”

Me: “Here is the ad; it does show that this is a [Sale] item.”

Customer: “Well, the ad I got in the mail does not say that it is a [Sale] item! This is false advertising! I will never shop here again, and I am going to contact your corporate office!”

Me: “Let me find the mailer and double-check; if it is a misprint they will accept it.”

(I dig in the trash to find a mailer and realize that the item she has just happens to be on the opposite side of her coupon. I flip her coupon over, and the item is pictured on the back of her coupon. Sure enough, the item has a banner across it saying, “[Sale], no further discounts or coupons apply.”)

Customer: “Well, that is just ridiculous, and I will not be back!”

Me: “Would you like me to remove the item?”

Customer: “No, I’ll take it!”

Me: “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “That is just f****** crazy!”

Me: “I can still remove it with no problem.”

(The customer swipes her card, cussing and muttering the entire time. I bag her purchase, thank her, and hand her the receipt.)

Customer: “You really enjoyed that, didn’t you?!” *throws her coupon at me and storms out*

(I am living by myself for the first time in my life. I have a really close friend; we’ve known each other since we were 12 and are like family. We also work together and have keys to each other’s houses. This takes place at 4:00 am while I’m showering to get ready for work. I hear the bathroom door open and the unmistakable sound of someone using the restroom.)

Me: *from the shower* “Good morning, [Friend]!”

Friend: *in a very much not-awake voice* “I’m sorry, [My Name]; I didn’t realize you were already in here.”

(They finish, wash their hands, and leave. I keep showering. A few minutes later, they are back.)

Friend: *sounding more awake* “Wait a minute! This is my bathroom! Why are you in my shower?”

Me: “Sorry, I needed to shower.”

Friend: *as if this explains everything* “Spider?”

Me: *because it does explain everything* “Spider.”

Friend: *sighs* “I’ll go over before work and save your bathroom from the big scary spider.”

Me: “Thank you! Now, can you go away, so I can finish getting ready for work?”

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