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Eastern Standard Time Travelers

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2009

(I received this call shortly after news broke about the emergency landing of a US Airways flight on the Hudson.)

Me: “Thank you for calling customer service. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the Hudson River just a few moments ago?”

Me: “There was a plane crash? Oh, my… was anyone hurt?”

Customer: “No, they all lived. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet. Where are you located?”

Me: “Well, I don’t have access to a television to see the current news. I am in Oregon.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder you haven’t heard of it happening yet. It happened in New York, which is three hours ahead of you!”

Pinheaded, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2009

(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed; don’t shoot.” As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you okay?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital. It hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**-hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f****** idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee, as well as his $15,000 yearly dues, were not refunded.)


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More Than He Bargained For

, , , , , , | Right | April 27, 2009

(My father is manning tables at the local flea market. A man comes up to the table and picks out an item that’s priced at $8.)

Customer: “Will you take $6 for this?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(The man finds another item, this one priced at $5.)

Customer: “Will you take $4?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(After a while, the man finds another item, this time priced at $6.)

Customer: “$5?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Finally, the man gathers all of his items together and winds up for the ultimate bargaining ploy.)

Customer: “How about $20 for all three?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Dad was always an agreeable sort.)

Raising The Next Always Right Generation

, , , | Right | April 27, 2009

(This is at a soup shop where we offer samples.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I try the soup?”

Me: “Sure, but be careful; it’s very hot.”

(She proceeds to sip it without grabbing a spoon which is in her line of sight.)

Customer: “OW! That is really hot!”

(She hands it to her six-year-old son who proceeds to do the same thing she just did.)

Child: “That burned my tongue!”

Customer: “You should warn people that your soup is hot!”

Me: “Would you buy the soup if it was cold?”

Customer: “Absolutely not.”


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Brazen Overtures Like Mints On Pillows

, , , | Right | April 27, 2009

(It is my first night on the job. A woman checks in and complains that there is “man hair” in her bed. I can tell she is tired, so I put her in a new room and even offer to carry her luggage for her, to which she declines. Two hours later, I write a short note saying, “I apologize for the hair in your bed. Please enjoy a free breakfast in the morning on me and I hope you enjoy your stay.” She approaches the front desk moments later.)

Customer: “Um, excuse me. What is this?”

Me: “Well, I felt bad about the problem with your room so I was just trying to show some extra hospitality. I figured you would get it when you woke up in the morning.”

Customer: “No! That’s not what this is. This is sexual harassment!”

Me: “Excuse me? I was trying to be nice and hospitable because I felt bad about your situation.”

Customer: “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a female traveler, and to be harassed by employees and other male travelers?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, this is his first night working here. I assure you that he used his best judgment, and meant nothing sexual by his nice gesture.”

Customer: “I’m sure he’s nice, but you need to tell him how to interact with female customers. Offering to help carry luggage and putting notes under doors is sexual harassment! I will not be staying here ever again!” *leaves*

Me: *to Coworker* “Note to self: Don’t offer to carry luggage for a woman again or offer her a free breakfast coupon.”

Coworker: “I think she just wanted to think you were sexually harassing her.”


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