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What A Croc!

, , , , , | Related | April 8, 2018

(My family is visiting Florida and we decide to go kayaking with a group. My brother and I pair up, with my brother at the back and me at the front. My brother is infamously lazy and is just sitting enjoying the scenery while I’m doing all the paddling.)

Me: “Are you doing any paddling back there? We’re barely moving!”

Brother: *lying* “Yep.”

Me: “No, you’re not! Quit lazing around and paddle!”

Guide: “Ooh, a crocodile!” *points*

(We all look over, except my brother, who’s still daydreaming. A huge crocodile just entered the water, and we’re closest to it! I panic since I watch a lot of nature programs and know how powerful they are, and start paddling away like a madwoman.)

Me: “Oh, my God! It’ll eat me!”

Brother: “Hey!”

(I looked over and saw that while I was paddling my end away, the boat turned a 180 so that my brother’s end was right next to the croc! At least my brother finally woke up and started paddling, and we were able to get away from the overgrown lizard. Then he accused me of trying to feed him to it!)


This story is part of the Boating roundup!

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I Am Number Four… Again

, , , , , | Working | April 8, 2018

(I am a senior in college, working four jobs, because due to several incidents I have been traumatized by roommates and need to pay for a place of my own. My parents insist it be in a “safe” area, which means it will be expensive. Also, I can’t find single full-time job that works around my school schedule. This happens at my job at the university box office a few weeks before finals, when I am working an average of about 70 hours per week. The box office job is my “easy” job, where I’m allowed to do homework. I just came from three days of doubles at my other jobs, and stayed up late the night before working on a project. I’m alone in the office and dozing when the phone rings, waking me.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Drugstore] on [Street], [Drugstore slogan]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: *realizing* “Um, I mean, thank you for calling [Sporting Goods Store] at [Local Mall]. Which department were you hoping to speak to?!”

Caller: “I don’t think that one is right, either, sweetie.”

Me: *now slightly panicking* “Right! I meant, welcome to the [Non-Profit that I both volunteer and work for]! No, wait. That’s not right, either.”

(At his point, the caller is laughing hysterically, and the fog clears from my head long enough to realize it’s the woman who works in the office that oversees the box office.)

Me: *laughing, too* “I’ve got it this time! Thank you for calling [University] box office. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *no response, only laughter*

Related:
I Am Number Four

They Should Be Sent To Bootcamp

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2018

My entire family used to be avid campers. Two or three times a summer my parents, aunt, uncles, and grandparents would all rent a large, shared campsite at a local family campground for a weekend. This is the worst camping trip we ever had; it was bad enough that my grandmother never went camping with us again after that.

Normally, it would just be the aforementioned people, plus my cousins, my sister, and me. This year, we got invited to camp with the college-age son of a family friend and all of his friends. We knew this son very well, but didn’t know his friends, but since he and his father were awesome and well-known to us, we didn’t think it would be a problem. First mistake.

First day there, they stole all of the expensive beer that my uncle brought — despite being underage, and despite the fact that he didn’t bring it to share with anyone but my grandfather — then got drunk and started throwing up all over the place. I also found out, years later, that my aunt had yelled at them when she caught them smoking pot around my sister and cousins and me.

My mom always over-packed snacks because she wanted to make extra sure my sister, cousins, and I always had something to snack on if we got hungry. The friends saw me get a box of granola bars from the back of our car to share with my cousins and realized there was food in there, then helped themselves, completely clearing out all of the snacks in our car by the next morning. They never once asked for permission.

The next morning, my grandmother made eggs for my diabetic grandfather’s breakfast. The second they were cooked, the friends walked over to her stove, took the skillet, and ate the entire thing themselves without even saying a word to her. My grandfather had nothing to eat and almost had a sugar low. They didn’t even bring the skillet back when they were done, and she had to figure out where they left it; apparently someone just tossed it aside in the dirt. They then ate the cereal, cereal bars, and oatmeal my mom brought for our breakfast, so there was nothing for my sister and me to eat. We had to get breakfast from a neighboring campsite where, thankfully, we had become friends with the children of the campers in the site the day before, and they were sympathetic enough to give us some trail mix.

The friends wouldn’t stop leaving all the coolers wide open, so all the ice for our meat and drinks melted completely in the summer heat of noon. They offered to go out to a store and get more, so everyone pitched in money to pay for it. They came back with tons of raw chicken that no one asked for and not a single bag of ice, because they “forgot.” We ended up having to cook the chicken, plus all of the burgers and hot dogs everyone brought that day — otherwise it would have spoiled without ice — and it was way too much food for everyone. They then took the leftovers and threw it all into the woods, so we had tons of feral cats, raccoons, foxes, and even a freaking black bear in our camp in the middle of the night that night.

The absolute worst thing they did was forget me in a boulder field. One of the main draws of the campground is a prehistoric boulder field left behind by the Ice Age. People will go down there and climb on the rocks during the day and look at stars during the night. Our campsite wasn’t that far from the boulder field, so they decided to go climb on the rocks and brought my sister, one of my cousins, and me with them. We were only allowed to go because my parents assumed that the family friend was going with them and would watch us; they had no idea he was actually headed somewhere else on his own. When the friends left the rocks, they failed to do a headcount and left without me. I wasn’t even that far out on the rocks and was still within their line of sight, and they still didn’t notice they were leaving me. I didn’t even realize they had left and was still sitting there on a rock by myself, staring out at the rest of the field, when a father with three kids walked by and saw me alone and called to me to get my attention out of concern that I might be lost. By then, my mom and aunt were running frantically down the path, screaming my name, after they returned to the campsite without me. My parents told me we weren’t allowed to go with them anywhere, anymore, even if the one person we knew said he would be with them.

By noon the next day, they had drunk every soda, bottled water, and juice box that my mom had brought for my sister and me, ate every bit of food that they hadn’t already devoured the first and second day, drank every bottle of beer anyone brought, and not once did they ask if it was okay for them to take any of it. My sister and I were six and eight years old respectively, so we started crying because we were hungry and thirsty. My mom was furious because, even after all the food and drinks she brought, she couldn’t feed us at all due to their theft. My dad was boiling creek water so that we wouldn’t get dehydrated because of how hot it was that day.

We were supposed to be there for three more days, and already we were out of everything, so my family called it. We packed up the tents and gear. All the while, the friends couldn’t understand why we refused to stay there with them any longer, having completely ignored all of the complaints from my family members throughout the weekend. My grandmother says it was likely they assumed we’d stay and just give them more money to replace what they stole so they could steal it again, but after the chicken incident, no one trusted them to actually buy what we asked them to. If we went out and bought what we needed ourselves, they’d just take it without asking, and we’d be back to the same problem again.

We’ve been asked to go camping with them again several times since, but we have all made it clear that we’d sooner share our campsite with the black bear again than with them.


This story is part of our S’Mores Day roundup!

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Working Retail Gets You A Solid(arity) Discount

, , , , | Right | April 8, 2018

(I’ve worked multiple retail jobs in my life, but I am a customer in this case. My boyfriend and I are shopping at a local clothing store in the mall. He is looking at something across the store as I am perusing some shirts by myself when a well-to-do, middle-aged woman walks up to me.)

Woman: “Excuse me, but where are your running clothes?”

(I stop, take a pointed look down at my oversized hoodie, band t-shirt, ripped jeans, and cartoon-character-themed shoes, then look back at her with a completely indifferent face.)

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t work here, and I don’t know.”

Woman: *turning red-raced with anger* “Well, how was I supposed to know?!”

(Immediately, she turns around to the clothing display she wanted and starts angrily tearing up the display while looking for her size.)

Me: “O…kay.”

(I end up finding a few shirts that are discounted from sixty dollars each to twenty five, and make my way to the checkout in wonder that that actually happened. The checkout area is set up where the waiting person has to stand behind a sign, a few feet back from the register, until a lane is open. I am waiting for about five minutes by myself before these two highschool-aged looking girls come up and begin waiting behind me. It is another two minutes before the lane opens up.)

Exhausted Cashier: “Next!”

(I start walking up, and the two girls start to follow me. With a big, exhausted, not-again sigh, the cashier starts waving for them to step back.)

Exhausted Cashier: “One at a time, please. Unless you’re with her, you need to wait so she can have privacy while checking out.”

Teen Girl #1: “Of course we’re, like, with her!”

Teen Girl #2: “Yeah!”

Me: *turning around and done with this whole charade* “Are you stupid? I’ve never seen you before in my life! Go wait in f****** line and stop being idiots!”

(Both girls look like they just smelled something horrendous and go back to wait in line. The cashier looks at me with a relieved expression I know all too well.)

Exhausted Cashier: “Thank you.”

Me: “Don’t worry about it. I’ve worked so many retail jobs before. Long day?”

Exhausted Cashier: *waves to literal mountain of return clothes behind her, and two overflowing return racks* “Tell me about it. It seems like I’ve gotten nothing but stupid all day.”

Me: “Yikes. I don’t even work here, and I’ve had my fill of stupid here, too.”

(I start telling her about the woman who approached me earlier while the two girls behind me continue tittering about the “terrible service.” The cashier’s jaw drops when I finish, then she asks the obligatory “do you have a discount card with us?” questions, to which I say no. I let her finish up, but when I hear the total, I stop her.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t have the discount card.”

Exhausted Cashier: “Oh, no, honey. I put in your employee’s discount. It took an extra [percentage] off. That will be $40.62, today.”

Me: “But I don’t…” *dawning realization in relation to my story* “Oh! Oh, my gosh, thank you!”

Exhausted Cashier: “Don’t worry about it. Have a great day, girl.”

(I ended up saving a total of $80 between the sale and the discount! My boyfriend laughed so hard about it we ended up going out for ice cream to “celebrate my new job.” If crazy still finds me while being a customer, I’m glad I got out of the industry!)

Self-Failing College Students; What Will They Think Of Next?

, , , , , | Learning | April 8, 2018

(I am taking a forensic anthropology class. Our final hands-on exam spans over two class sessions in two days. For the first session, you collect data from an assortment of bones, using that data to fill out questions during the second session. Needless to say, if you miss one of the two final sessions, your grade will not be so hot in the end. We also have to change partners each session to mix up the data. This occurs during the start of the second session.)

Classmate: *to me* “Hey, do you want to partner up today?”

Me: “Sure.”

Classmate: *is quiet for a few seconds, until…* “I was a big dummy and I missed the first day of the exam. What were we doing?”

(Immediately, I cringe inside, as I know this can only end so well for both of us. I explain what happened as the professor hands out worksheets.)

Me: *turning to classmate* “So, where do you want to start?”

Classmate: “I have no idea; I’m so confused.”

Me: “Uh… I have no idea how to help you. You already said you missed the first day of the exam.”

Classmate: *sigh* “I’ll just leave, then.”

(I figure she’ll go talk to the professor, but instead she stands up, pulls a red ink pen from her pencil pouch, and writes a giant “F” on her worksheet. She then pushes her notes to the side of the table, grabs her backpack, and walks out. The professor and I just watch, slack-jawed.)

Me: *turning to professor, still stunned* “What did I do?”

(Luckily, the professor heard the whole exchange and reassured me I did nothing wrong. Less than 30 seconds later, another student arrived, and I got a new partner with whom I was able to complete the test.)